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Saying ‘NO’ to sex

saynotosex - isiahIt’s a problem we’re probably all familiar with: one partner wants sex more than the other, which leads to tension and arguments.

He might not hint at wanting sex with a whole lot of tact these days. Maybe he gropes you while you’re washing up? Maybe he ‘asks’ in his huffy tone “Can we have sex tonight?” perhaps including evidence of the number of days since it last occurred. Or perhaps he just starts poking you in the back once you get into bed?

Yep, very romantic!

Understandably, you probably ‘reject’ his offers without a whole lot of tact either.

Do you roll over and pretend to be asleep?

Do you wear your least sexy, full length pajamas to bed?

Do you avoid any physical intimacy so he ‘doesn’t get the wrong idea’.

You can live without it, right? You don’t understand why it’s so important to him. And his constant advances annoy you.

As a general rule – Men want sex to feel loved.

‘Feeling desired’ is important to his feeling wanted and connected to you. Having his requests for sex turned down (again), makes him feel unworthy and less of a man.

He wants to be close to you, he wants to feel loved and appreciated. His anger is covering up the hurt that he feels.

So what can you do to avoid the arguments and re-establish your closeness without you just ‘giving in’?

Changing the way you turn him down is a good start. 

Keep in mind that when he’s asking for sex, he’s also asking to feel close to you. You might not feel like sex, but is there something else you’d be happy with? Turning him down gently will do wonders for your relationship.

Try these suggestions:

  • “Honey, I still find you sexy and I appreciate that you still desire me! What about we make a date for Friday night when I don’t have to get up early?”
  • “Honey, I know sex is important to you, could you make do with a BJ tonight?”
  • “I love feeling close to you and I want you to know how important you are to me, can we kiss and hold each other tonight?”
  • “I love to see you satisfied and I’m tired. Would it work for you to masturbate while I kiss you?”

Also think about why you’re not interested in sex. Do you want to feel closer to him before you have sex? Do you want to be wooed and romanced? Do you need him to help more around the house? Do you need to get your own ‘mojo’ back so you feel sexy again?

Bringing these up in bed or when he’s asking for sex is probably not a good idea. Make time when you’re both relaxed and comfortable to talk about it.

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