I have felt a little nauseous for a couple of weeks now. I am going back to work. The real world.
The world where I can’t wear trackies all day and have a sneaky nap in the afternoon when the baby sleeps.
No long lonely days with the company of a baby that cannot speak or talk back (perhaps this is a good thing??)
No more days where you have been spewed on so many times that you get to the point you don’t bother to change.
When you just want to have a break for just one hour, ONE HOUR! But unfortunately with no family around it is just her and me. 🙂
Don’t get me wrong, there are so many wonderful parts to this past year. When she first learnt to crawl, to pull herself up, and those moments when she can’t stopping giggling. Oh how I love those moments.
I have been so lucky to have this time with my precious daughter but now I do feel ready. Ready for something more.
But how can I leave my baby? She has being literally attached to me her whole life. She comes shopping, lunching, even my waxing appointments (I know I know!)
Is this where mother’s guilt starts? Is this what it is? Guilty for wanting to go back to work? Guilty for not being at home?
I do wonder whether I can do it all – be a successful parent, wife, and a corporate mover and shaker?
Someone once said to me you can have it all but just not at the same time. Can you? Does this mean you can’t have a career until your kids grow up? Christ, I’ll be in my 50s!
I don’t want to be superwoman, but then deep down I do want it “all”! I want to try at least. It is at this point mothers shake their heads at me and say “No chance love”.
I have been brought up that with a little hard work and patience the world is your oyster. Will this mantra work this time? It has worked up until now.
I think back to those mothers in the office leaving at 5pm to pick up their kids and I remember thinking that they were slacking off . Hmmmph leaving the work for the rest of us that don’t have an excuse of “I must pick up the kids”. Oh how your perspective changes when the shoe is on the other foot.
But can I say how ridiculously excited I am to have:
- coffee in peace without a child wanting attention or telling them not to get away from “that cord”.
- adult conversations about “stuff” that does not involve poo and vomit.
- getting my brain into gear and to start working again (oh god I hope it works!! And fast!!)
But I also feel like my daughter may forget me. My influence will be more limited now in her life and I’m handing her over to others than won’t love her like I love her.
The constant internal conflict. The guilt.
So a whole new chapter for us as a family begins. It is a little sad to say goodbye to my precious time with my daughter. Yes this will be a change in life for our whole family and I hope it all works (even though I know there will be days when it won’t and it will be very hard). Wish me luck!