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    Default Grief and TTC

    I got my 'fertility tip' e-mail from http://www.sharkeyshealingcentre.com.au/ today (feel free to sign up, they got some REALLY helpful TTC info and free temp charting!)

    Stacey talks about grieving;

    Recently a friend of mine lost a close relative and I was reaching out to help her so I wanted to brush up on the grieving process and give her some support through her loss.

    As I was reviewing the different stages of grieving I realised that this is exactly what you may be experiencing month after month when you haven't created a viable pregnancy yet.

    Let's have a look at the 5 stages of Grieving by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross one of the (now deceased) gurus of grieving. She was an incredible woman and such a wonderful patient advocate.

    The Grieving process steps include Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Any of these sound familiar?

    What I have seen with couples dealing with fertility is theses stages tend to happen, but not necessarily in this order:
    Denial,
    Depression,
    Anger,
    Acceptance
    Bargaining

    I can imagine that as your period is approaching, you may have a few cramps or heaviness in your lower abdomen, the familiar headache occurs, the PMS sets in, and the breast soreness starts. The little voice in the back of your mind may be saying, "Well, maybe that's not my period, maybe I could be pregnant." After all, you timed intercourse correctly, everyone is telling you to stop worrying about it, it will just happen, and yep, this could be the month."

    Or you begin to slide into sadness/depression but grip on to the one glimmer of hope that the period hasn't started quite yet so may be this time...

    The period starts and you feel deflated, as if someone has pulled the carpet out from underneath you both, wrenched out your gut or somehow defeated you again. Everything seemed right that month. What am I/we doing wrong? What is wrong with me/us? Sadness and DEPRESSION even ANGER sets in.

    The period is in full swing. The temperatures have dropped and you come to ACCEPT that you weren't pregnant and its time to start all over again.

    This time you think, "I will eat better, exercise more, and stay on track this cycle." If I do this then maybe this month it will happen, right. (Bargaining)
    Or you may think, "ah, what's the use, one more wine or beer won't hurt." See, I told you giving up cigarettes wouldn't make a difference." "What's the use?" ANGER/APATHY

    Ovulation approaches and you know its time for "baby making" again, at times you both almost dread it but you know if you want a child it has to be done. Much different is your attitude towards sex than maybe just a few years ago. A fight may break out around ovulation or you have no sex drive or desire whatsoever. (see Fear of Disappointment Fertility tip)

    After intercourse, if you had it, the glimmer of hope returns, and you think, "maybe this month". The two weeks pass while you try your best not to pay attention to every twinge and every sensation your body feels (which is now magnified about 1000 times) that might mean that you are pregnant. BARGAINING can come into play here. You may promise your God, the universe, or whomever to allow you to have a child. You will give up drinkging, smoking, stop being so crabby. You promise to be a better person, if only you could be pregnant, everything else will be okay.

    Have you felt any of these feelings? Thought any of these thoughts? Gone through any of these stages? If you have you are not alone. You are grieving the loss of another month without a child. It's normal. Whether you or your spouse experince just one of these thoughts or not, remember you are not alone. People are programmed to want to express themselves fully and our society has linked this full expression to having a child for many many years.

    This grieving process that you go through each month can take its toll. But at some point, just like when you have lost a person that you love, like my dear friend has, there comes a time when focusing on the loss must change to appreciation of life, like your own. Appreciation of what you have versus focusing on what you lack.

    Shifting the focus doesn't take the desire away or the fact that you will at any moment welcome a child into your life, it only makes the waiting and preparing more bearable and more productive (and more beneficial to your body and mind) before it happens for you.

    And if it doesn't and you decide to draw the line then you know you have done everything in your power to work together to make it happen. And then you have done the one thing that you may have forgotten about until now, that is, you have accepted yourself for the beautiful person that you are with or without a child.

    At the end of the day, that is true acceptance. Whether deciding to draw the line or continue trying, accepting you and your partner for who you are, not defining yourselves and beating yourself up because of what you don't have is the path that will bring life to you in the most abundant ways
    Hope you guys find this as interesting as I did!

    Amy

  2. #2
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    bambino is offline Autistic Today, My Genius Tomorrow
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    Wow....what to say. It hits quite close to home for some people hey?

    Thanks for the article Amy. An interesting read.

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    Amy- that article was a relive to read! and it was amazing how true it was, i try to "bargain " with myself, and i thought i was just being silly, but it goes to show that when we a desperate to have a baby will try anything to make it happen.

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    Wow Amy that is so true, and so well written. Thanks for sharing.

  5. #5
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    Thought you guys would like that one! Made me feel like I wasn't going mad so I wanted to share it with you guys because I know you feel the same

    Amy


 

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