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  1. #1
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    Default First and only fight with my mum eva.. pretty long sorry..

    Hi there

    I am hoping I can lend the ear of a few bubhubbers!

    I have had this huge falling out with my mum over xmas time and its really caused a huge problem which I don't know how to fix.

    The issue initially was mine and that was me coming to terms with my mum not being a sickly sweet doting nanna like for some reason I thought she would be. She loves dd but doesn't really want to do much with her like bathing,feeding,playing etc. We do live away from her which I know makes it hard too. She is the best she can be given she doesn't see dd all the time. I can't expect them to be the best of friends and I don't know why I thought it would be any different. My mum in the same instance though confused me everytime we visited etc by sending sms's or when talking to her saying how much she missed us and that she wished she spent more time with us.

    Xmas day came and she had a whole week off work so I thought that she and my younger sister would come up and stay for at least a few days but mum ended up staying xmas eve,xmas day and went home on boxing day. It was like she couldn't get out quick enough.

    I was a little upset by this and thrown by this unexplained behaviour so I started sending a few sms messages to my sister on their way home. She agreed with her seeming like she couldn't wait to get out and that she really didn't seem to care less about dd.

    My mum decided when they got home that night for some reason to read my sisters phone and of course read all my messages about me saying that she wasn't the nanna I had conjured up in my mind that she was going to be and that I was upset that they left so early.

    Mum hit the roof and went off at my sister for agreeing with me and basically told her to leave the house. My poor sister copped it and to me she did nothing wrong. Mum however was the one who read the phone that wasn't hers. Mum then started sending messages to me saying how upset she was about what i had said about her.
    I got on the phone then and spoke to her then hung up in her ear after she told me that we were not welcome to stay with her anymore.

    The next day she turned off her phone and disappeared all day. My sister was hysterical all day and didn't know what to do. I ended up speaking to mum the following day and it turns out now that she has a problem with my hubby and feels tense and uncomfortable around him which is why she left. Upon further conversations she let on that she has more or less felt that way since we got together 5yrs ago. My hubby who never had a prob with her now is upset and angry and never wants to see her again pretty well and I will never feel the same when they are together as I know things will be uncomfortable for everyone now. Its not fair it shouldn't have happened and I am to blame for alot of it due to the original sms's. I just don't know how to fix it now and can't see a solution other than me seeing her without hubby and not as a family anymore.
    Hubby respects that I still will need to spend time with mum but he prefers he now have nothing to do with that anymore.
    Its all a big messs..
    Haven't spoken to mum for almost a week now and not sure I can say anything more to fix it that i already have..

    ahhhhhhh

  2. #2
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    wow thats big. i dont know what you should do, if it was my mum i would be devistated too, which you obviously are.
    your poor hubby, what did he do wrong. he must feel awful. tell him that i know how he feels, my mil hates me too.
    i think you should give her some space for a week or two. let her clam down adn then talk about it. and tell her that she needs to apologise to your dh coz he didnt do anything wrong.
    as for you sister, is she still in school. call her adn ask her if she might want to come and stay with you for the rest of the holidays so that she doesnt cop all of your mums emotions right now.
    i think something else has happened, coz you and your mum sounded really close. maybe she is going throught smething else, and has just taken it out on you.
    sorry if it didnt make much sense. i hope that you can work through whatever is going on.
    btw, i still see my mil even tho i really dont want to, but it took me a few months before i got to that point, so i think your dh will come around eventually.
    good luck

  3. #3
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    ohhh you poor thing! I agree with what The_Original_duchess said. maybe she's got something going on and she's taking it out on you. PM me if you like. There's more I want to say but I'm being used as a trampoline at the moment



    I hope you guys work it out soon.

  4. #4
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    Firstly..

    I know the stress and worrying about how to fix this would eat me up. I had the exact same feelings about my Mum, that she'd be more involved with DS. She only sees him when I go out and visit her (she's 15-20 min drive away) Dad isn't really "baby friendly" so I didn't expect much from him (even though I love him to bits!!). But for some reason, I wanted (want) more from Mum.

    Although I would never voice this! I'm a big scaredy cat, and I think we'd be in the same boat if I ever did..

    I'm really sorry for your situation, I do know where you're coming from, but I don't know much about where you are right now... Especially as DP was pulled into it aswell. Sending lots and lots more

    I hope this gets sorted soon.

    When I was growing up, my Mum was my rock. Now my DH is my rock. I think this helps me get through the above feelings.

  5. #5
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    Thanks heaps for your kind thoughts on this matter.

    Its such a hard thing. It has been a week to the day since I have last heard or spoken to my mum so not sure if thats good or bad.

    My sister is ok and she has told me that mum reckons she is leaving things settle for a while before contacting again.

    I just don't know what to say when we do contact.

    I am all the more concerned as we have booked and in the final stages of a 50th surprise birthday for my mum and we I have booked the family into, is units within a resort and I booked for us all to stay together ... yippee thats gunna be fun...

    Oh and its in 3weeks time.............
    Last edited by june05isttimer; 04-01-2007 at 20:03. Reason: forgot to add a sentence

  6. #6
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    That's really nice of your sister to let you know..

    Have you seen your Mum react to a fight/confrontation before? Maybe she's just as upset as you, and doesn't know where to start. Maybe she's feeling guilt for the things she said about your DP.

    How long can/will you go without talking to her? Is it best to wait for her to come to you, or should you make a call to say "how are you"? Or even a text, to break the ice.

    It'll be hard not to spoil the surprise - I'd be dying to tell her. Even if it was just to let her know that I still think of her and love her as my Mum.

    Hopefully things would have cooled off by then, and she'll appreciate your effort - sounds like it'll be a nice event!

    Good luck with it, 3 weeks will feel like eternity, but it'll come around soon enough.

    Feel free to PM me!


 

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