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  1. #1
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    Default I’m struggling on what to do!

    Hi, apart from friends I don’t have anyone to bounce ideas off so I need some advice. I’m really struggling at the moment. I haven’t seen my Mum for nearly a year so she hasn’t seen my kids. She yelled at me and called me a horrible person amongst a few swear words in front of my 3 kids - 6, 4, 2 1/2 years old at the time. She criticised my now diagnosed Autistic son and myself for 9 months when I’d get home from work (she looked after the kids 3 days a fortnight). She’d roll her eyes when I’d say I was watching a video on autistic behaviours (my son was in the middle of 3 long sessions for an autism assessment). She also compared myself as a parent to my friends and say their kids came from nice parents so that’s why their kids are nice and mine are miserable! Of course they were out of sorts, we had to move out of their Dad’s house because their Grandma was emotionally manipulating me and told me to make a decision to leave. My son was also being told things by his Grandma that were making him really anxious. Anyway, I’d had enough and told my Mum to get out of my house when she yelled at me. It stemmed from me selling my rental property she was living in for 9 years (I couldn’t afford it anymore). She told me her friend thinks I should have found her another place to live. I was also told by my Mum that my SIL said I’m using her to look after the kids. Bloody hell, I’m a single parent and if you can’t get some help from your parent for 3 shifts a fortnight there’s something wrong! My kids still don’t want to see her. Ok so if you got this far this is my actual dilemma. Recently, my Mum dropped off toys and clothes to my ex’s house and spoke to my ex MIL. She told the kids they HAVE to see their Nanna (she is very controlling). Now, I know how my Mum works and I think this move is manipulative even though I know she just wants to see the kids. When my son’s Psychologist called me to tell me how well my son is going she thinks it’s a very manipulative move by my Mum. She wondered why she wouldn’t just drop it off at my door and thinks it’s not a good idea to bring her back into the kids lives right now. I’m sick of feeling like I’m the bad guy. Everything I do is for my kids and I’m so depressed because I feel like for a long time no one is on my side and I’ve just been ganged up on. I’m hanging by a thread and now cry a lot but still need to pull myself together and get to work. My brother’s feel the same way about Mum too so it’s not just me. The stupid thing is I was about to text my Mum when this happened and say she can see the kids but this makes me not want to contact her to see the kids anymore. Thanks if you got this far!

  2. #2
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    Your children need you, their caregiver, to be happy and healthy.

    They need you stable more than they need the odd visit from their grandmother. Your mother sounds manipulative and is not within her place to swear at you. It also concerns me that she is dismissive of your son's autism diagnosis - Children on the spectrum need support, and I worry she will respond to him according to her outdated thought processes on child behaviour.

    If you and the children don't want to see her, then what she wants is irrelevant. Being their grandmother does not grant an automatic right to be a part of their lives.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Happymummy5 View Post
    Hi, apart from friends I don’t have anyone to bounce ideas off so I need some advice. I’m really struggling at the moment. I haven’t seen my Mum for nearly a year so she hasn’t seen my kids. She yelled at me and called me a horrible person amongst a few swear words in front of my 3 kids - 6, 4, 2 1/2 years old at the time. She criticised my now diagnosed Autistic son and myself for 9 months when I’d get home from work (she looked after the kids 3 days a fortnight). She’d roll her eyes when I’d say I was watching a video on autistic behaviours (my son was in the middle of 3 long sessions for an autism assessment). She also compared myself as a parent to my friends and say their kids came from nice parents so that’s why their kids are nice and mine are miserable! Of course they were out of sorts, we had to move out of their Dad’s house because their Grandma was emotionally manipulating me and told me to make a decision to leave. My son was also being told things by his Grandma that were making him really anxious. Anyway, I’d had enough and told my Mum to get out of my house when she yelled at me. It stemmed from me selling my rental property she was living in for 9 years (I couldn’t afford it anymore). She told me her friend thinks I should have found her another place to live. I was also told by my Mum that my SIL said I’m using her to look after the kids. Bloody hell, I’m a single parent and if you can’t get some help from your parent for 3 shifts a fortnight there’s something wrong! My kids still don’t want to see her. Ok so if you got this far this is my actual dilemma. Recently, my Mum dropped off toys and clothes to my ex’s house and spoke to my ex MIL. She told the kids they HAVE to see their Nanna (she is very controlling). Now, I know how my Mum works and I think this move is manipulative even though I know she just wants to see the kids. When my son’s Psychologist called me to tell me how well my son is going she thinks it’s a very manipulative move by my Mum. She wondered why she wouldn’t just drop it off at my door and thinks it’s not a good idea to bring her back into the kids lives right now. I’m sick of feeling like I’m the bad guy. Everything I do is for my kids and I’m so depressed because I feel like for a long time no one is on my side and I’ve just been ganged up on. I’m hanging by a thread and now cry a lot but still need to pull myself together and get to work. My brother’s feel the same way about Mum too so it’s not just me. The stupid thing is I was about to text my Mum when this happened and say she can see the kids but this makes me not want to contact her to see the kids anymore. Thanks if you got this far!
    Sounds very controlling- how is it your problem to find somewhere for her to live? You have enough on your plate as it is without the added drama. Your children don't need her they need a stable and happy environment, I have three kids and none of them see their fraternal grandparents because they are too controlling so I pulled that out from under them so they can not use my children against me. It's tough, seems as though your brother thinks the way therefore there would have to be a problem. Could you ring help line etc for additional support?

  4. #4
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    Involving the ex-MIL, and "my friends think..." sounds like textbook narcissistic triad behaviour.

    I'm so sorry if your mother is a narcissist, they're hell to have in your life. They don't change. You can't change them.

    I can completely understand why you would double-down on your efforts to keep her away from your children with this latest stunt.

    You are doing an amazing job holding everything together (even if it feels like you're not) with everything you have been through and are still going through.

  5. #5
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    100% agree with the previous posts.
    They need you to be happy healthy. If seeing your Mum causes stress and anxiety and causes you to question yourself and your decisions, kids pick up on this. I stopped contact with my mother because I didn’t like the person I was when she was in my life.
    In Covid it’s incredibly hard to “build a village” but surround yourself with people who support you and the amazing Mum you are. Just because she’s your mum, doesn’t mean she’s right.
    Best wishes

  6. #6
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    Hi. First time posting.

    I read you post and I just had to respond. I am in a very similar situation. All my life I have felt that I am not good enough for my mum. It all started as a very young child. My mother was never there for me. I recall as an 17 year old who had just finished school ringing on the phone to enquire about a job, my mother was calling out in the background “who would employ you” Over the years there has been many times when she has said I need to loose weight. I remember the day I was booked in to have my son by c section. Mum had to get dressed up to take me to the hospital and had the must uncomfortably shoes on. Once we parked the car she took ten shoes off and was walking bare foot. As we approached the hospital entrance I said to her that she would need to but the shoes back on. Well for this comment I received I few choice words. Let’s just say that as I was booking in I was in tears. There has been times when she has said that she wouldn’t go out with me unless I changed my dress. These are just a few examples. The last straw was a little over a month ago when I had lost my father, my mothers ex husband. I was crying in my bedroom and could hear her mocking my crying. I went and told her that it was totally unacceptable. I was grieving for my father and the one time I needed my mother the most she couldn’t be there for me. I said she needed to get on a plane and go back home as I didn’t want her here. As this moment it felt like I had not only lost my father but my mother too. In hindsight I probably never really had mo mother. The sad part is she will not take responsibility and doesn’t recognise the damage she has done.

  7. #7
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    If your kids were adults and had their own kids, would you treat any of them like your mum treats you? Probably not. You're allowed to have the same expectations of your mum. Most of us are reasonable people - we know our parents aren't perfect - but getting yelled at, sworn at, berated and insulted is not within the realm of acceptable. If having her in your life causes you/your kids stress and she's not willing to budge and make some simple changes... she's made the decision for you.

    You're a single parent who has enough on her plate - you don't have to cut her off permanently but if, as it stands, she's making your life more complicated than it already is...time away is your best option.

  8. #8
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    I am so sorry you are going through this tough time. You are stronger than you think and you love your kids fiercely, and you will get through this.
    I know it is difficult to distance yourself away from your parents, as I had to do the same. And it was the best decision ever, as I am calmer, and happier since I had done so.
    But, it must be hard to not have any support and feel so alone.
    We are here for you!
    Sending big hugs xx

  9. The Following User Says Thank You to Sirena89 For This Useful Post:

    Phia (27-08-2021)

  10. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Happymummy5 View Post
    Hi, apart from friends I don’t have anyone to bounce ideas off so I need some advice. I’m really struggling at the moment. I haven’t seen my Mum for nearly a year so she hasn’t seen my kids. She yelled at me and called me a horrible person amongst a few swear words in front of my 3 kids - 6, 4, 2 1/2 years old at the time. She criticised my now diagnosed Autistic son and myself for 9 months when I’d get home from work (she looked after the kids 3 days a fortnight). She’d roll her eyes when I’d say I was watching a video on autistic behaviours (my son was in the middle of 3 long sessions for an autism assessment). She also compared myself as a parent to my friends and say their kids came from nice parents so that’s why their kids are nice and mine are miserable! Of course they were out of sorts, we had to move out of their Dad’s house because their Grandma was emotionally manipulating me and told me to make a decision to leave. My son was also being told things by his Grandma that were making him really anxious. Anyway, I’d had enough and told my Mum to get out of my house when she yelled at me. It stemmed from me selling my rental property she was living in for 9 years (I couldn’t afford it anymore). She told me her friend thinks I should have found her another place to live. I was also told by my Mum that my SIL said I’m using her to look after the kids. Bloody hell, I’m a single parent and if you can’t get some help from your parent for 3 shifts a fortnight there’s something wrong! My kids still don’t want to see her. Ok so if you got this far this is my actual dilemma. Recently, my Mum dropped off toys and clothes to my ex’s house and spoke to my ex MIL. She told the kids they HAVE to see their Nanna (she is very controlling). Now, I know how my Mum works and I think this move is manipulative even though I know she just wants to see the kids. When my son’s Psychologist called me to tell me how well my son is going she thinks it’s a very manipulative move by my Mum. She wondered why she wouldn’t just drop it off at my door and thinks it’s not a good idea to bring her back into the kids lives right now. I’m sick of feeling like I’m the bad guy. Everything I do is for my kids and I’m so depressed because I feel like for a long time no one is on my side and I’ve just been ganged up on. I’m hanging by a thread and now cry a lot but still need to pull myself together and get to work. My brother’s feel the same way about Mum too so it’s not just me. The stupid thing is I was about to text my Mum when this happened and say she can see the kids but this makes me not want to contact her to see the kids anymore. Thanks if you got this far!

    Your mum is off the rails, for whatever reason. You’re following your gut because your instincts to protect your children are louder than any voice.

    You are brave and devoted. And your kids will thank you when they’re older that you held up a shield for them.

    Maybe one day your mum will get back on track, soften her ways. Maybe she won’t. They are Her choices and Her consequences.

    Hold your ground. Go on with your life. Find happiness. Be true to you. You deserve and your kids deserve to live peacefully as you wish and to block out toxicity. Let go of your angry mum and hopefully she will reflect on it. It may take years.

    Stay safe. ❤️

  11. #10
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    I’m sorry you had to go through that with your Mum fami2006. It really knocks your self esteem for life doesn’t it. Even though we know what our Mums say isn’t true, the little voice inside likes to remind you what was said about you and we almost believe it for a second! In the past my Mum told me I’m not a ‘warm’ person when I told her it was nice that my friend’s husband gave a nice speech at her party saying she was the warmest person he knows. It’s almost like she enjoys tearing me down.

    I have enough on my plate without her criticism but I feel guilty that she hasn’t seen the kids for nearly a year.

    It sounds like she will visit them at my ex partner’s house now after her last manipulative move. Ex mil said she can go over to see them. I’ve never felt so alone and it took me back to before I left my ex with my ex mil’s emotional crap and no one sticking up for me. Anyway, not much I can do.


 

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