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  1. #1
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    Default Possibility of having an only child

    Hi ladies,

    I wrote the below post in Aug 2020. Since then I have had a hysteroscopy and D&C with my gyno and basic chromosome testing for my husband and myself with all results coming back normal.

    Straight after my procedure in Nov 2020 we fell pregnant straight away and was on low dose aspirin. Something felt different and positive about this pregnancy.

    We had a positive dating scan with a nice strong heartbeat of 123bpm in the new year. A few days ago i started spotting, which turned into cramping and bleeding. I had a telehealth app with my GP and have a scan booked for Monday, however I know it isnt going to be good news. Ive been here too many times to know that this much blood and cramping can only mean 1 thing.

    I am once again feeling so incredibly lost. So lost with what path to take.

    I would love anyone’s input on having an only child and the positive and negatives that go with that. Any advice on how to come to an decision on which path to take.

    Hubby and I keep questioning whether the universe is trying to tell us something. We aren’t religious, but seriously 5 times, this now can’t be classified as just ‘bad luck’ or ‘unfortunate’ surely.

    Our DD is absolutely this light of our lives, she is our little best buddy and we want to do right by her as much as doing the right thing for us.


    ———————————————— ———————

    I never thought I would be in this situation again. Currently going through my 4th miscarriage. All happening before the 12 week mark.

    I feel so incredibly lost.

    We have an amazing utterly perfect DD who arrived after our first DD who was still born.

    She is the absolute light of our lives and we have been trying to give her a sibling and complete our little family for the past 2 years.

    I know 2 years is not very long compared to the long journey others have had. But when do you call time on things and accept how lucky and blessed we are to have 1 living amazing child?

    When we first started trying, i wanted another child to complete our family so badly. But now after every single loss, i get more and more unsure. I dont know whether its just my brains way of trying to protect myself from more hurt.

    I feel like im waiting for a sign from the universe to show me an answer one way or another. I feel so lost and i just dont know what to do anymore.

    I’m afraid of losing another baby, but im also afraid of making the decision call time on our journey.

    Has anyone been in the same situation or can offer any advice at all?

  2. #2
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    You have been through so much hon, so firstly hugs

    I have an only child who is now 10, but this was our/my choice. I had a complicated pregnancy and had to have DS delivered in an emergency CS prematurely. Whilst this was a big factor in not rolling the dice and chancing another complicated pregnancy, I have honestly just felt like DS is enough for us and I have never had a solid urge to add to the family. I do think my DH would have liked another child, but he is also content being a dad of 1.

    I'm 41 now and don't regret choosing to have an only child. Some positives are:

    - No fighting/competing with siblings
    - They get to be your sole focus in parenting
    - Financially appealing - holidays and outings are more affordable
    - They can entertain themselves well and don't rely on having kids to play with all the time
    - You are never outnumbered by children when it comes to supervision
    - More time to spend with them one on one

    I know DS would like a sibling, but he's only asked about it a handful of times. This will be a negative if he feels we robbed him of having a larger family when he gets older, but it is what it is.

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  4. #3
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    Default Possibility of having an only child

    I only have one, DD who is now 7. I guess I had always planned to have 2, but that’s not how things worked out. Now though I am more than happy with one, and have no regrets.

    We did IVF for 8 years before finally falling with DD. Then my pregnancy was awful and both DD and I almost died.

    By then I was almost 38 and I just couldn’t go through more IVF and another pregnancy.

    DD is amazing and I love that it’s just us. We don’t have precedents, it doesn’t matter if she has a party every year (or not), gets more (or less) for Christmas etc. also it’s easier to travel with just one.

    I read a great book called One and Only by Lauren Sandler. It’s worth a read.
    Last edited by Mod-DJ Nette; 05-02-2021 at 13:53.

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    Having siblings is good if you get along with them.

    Me and my brother have a terrible relationship and I spent much of my childhood wishing I was an only child.

    Not sure if that helps, but don’t automatically think that giving your kiddo a sibling is always the “best way”.

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  8. #5
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    We stopped trying for a second after 4 years.

    I read a great book recently called "One and only" by Lauren Sandler. She dispels a lot of the myths of only children and explains the benefit (e.g., more parental focus/undivided attention). I found it very reassuring as I never set out to have an only child. I always thought I'd have at least 2. I also realised the only reason for having a second was for a sibling for ds.

    Now I am ok with my decision to stop trying.

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    I am an only child and it has never bothered me, as a child or now as an adult.

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  12. #7
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    My nephew is an only child. My sister had a traumatic birth with him so from that point was only going to have one. She was diagnosed with cervical cancer just over a year ago and she and her DH were told that if she wanted another baby, the cancer was slow growing that they had time for another baby if they wanted but it had to be NOW. They started toying with the idea. Within a month, the advice changed and she had a total hysterectomy at the ripe old age of 36. Despite that month of almost going for a second baby, they still feel happy in their earlier decision to just have the one. He gets a lot of one on one time with both my sister and my parents. Not sure how much one on one time my BIL has with him though. BIL has some health/MH issues and I’m just not sure my sister could go through the baby stage again with BIL the way he is. I think there is some moments of regret, but only because there’s no cousins around for him to grow up with. BIL has a poor relationship with his sister, so they’re not in contact with her 4 kids and we live in a different state. I think if we all lived near each other, the lack of siblings wouldn’t be an issue because he’d be growing up with my kids. BUT by all accounts, I don’t think my nephew ever feels like he’s missing out by being an only child. He’s a happy kid with lots of friends and he doesn’t have to share his things!

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    I have one child, at times I think we should have had another child but the reality is that it’s not going to happen so I had the choice of either being miserable and constantly thinking about it and how things could have been different OR make the best possible life I can with my one child. I don’t want to be flippant about it and it took a LOT of soul searching to get to this point and be ok with things.

    I think the pros are as others have said that you have more time, energy and resources to support your child. I think DD does get a bit lonely and at times would like a sibling close in age to her (she has two much older half siblings) but I put a lot of effort into arranging play dates etc with children her age. I also play with her a lot trying to fill that void and I hope this will make us closer in the long run.

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    I have an only child. I had planned for two but about a year into motherhood, I realised I wasn't cut out for more kids. My 2 year old is high energy and always has been and I think...well, I can be a stressed out, mentally and physically drained parent of 2 children, or a better parent to one. She'll miss out on some things but she'll gain in other areas. I didn't want to have another just for her sake because there are no guarantees on what kind of relationship they'll end up having despite our best efforts. If I was going to have a second, it would be out of strong personaldesire to go through it all again. And I definitely don't have that.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mod-Degrassi View Post
    You have been through so much hon, so firstly hugs

    I have an only child who is now 10, but this was our/my choice. I had a complicated pregnancy and had to have DS delivered in an emergency CS prematurely. Whilst this was a big factor in not rolling the dice and chancing another complicated pregnancy, I have honestly just felt like DS is enough for us and I have never had a solid urge to add to the family. I do think my DH would have liked another child, but he is also content being a dad of 1.

    I'm 41 now and don't regret choosing to have an only child. Some positives are:

    - No fighting/competing with siblings
    - They get to be your sole focus in parenting
    - Financially appealing - holidays and outings are more affordable
    - They can entertain themselves well and don't rely on having kids to play with all the time
    - You are never outnumbered by children when it comes to supervision
    - More time to spend with them one on one

    I know DS would like a sibling, but he's only asked about it a handful of times. This will be a negative if he feels we robbed him of having a larger family when he gets older, but it is what it is.
    Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I completely understand your thoughts, i guess there never is a ‘right’ decision only what you feel is right for you.


 

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