Do you have a good relationship with your mother?

[Mason98]

I have an awesome relationship with both my parents, there was a period it wasn't so good but they always intended the best.
Mum and I see eye to eye on most things she does a lot for me week to week I help her where ever I can.
Both my parent deal with depression, so do I, so we all help each other out as much as possible in that.

[Mamasupial]

I have a great relationship with my mum. She was pretty strict when I was a kid and teen. But I always knew she just wanted the best for me and would be there when I needed her.

It was when I became a mum that we really became close. She never judged my parenting but only helped and supported.

[bada]

We did not have a good relationship growing up, and now it is better at a distance. The issue for me was being made to feel like every single negative or challenging thing in my childhood was my own fault/caused by me, despite the fact my parents had a traumatic seperation and divorce when I was very young, my mum was unstable and barely present, and both my parents live with mental illness that affected we children. She's a perpetual victim and rarely has any insight to how her own behaviour affected her kids.

This sounds so much like my mum, but relationship still not great...

OP, my DD is nearly 13 and I have spent her whole life worrying about this. I feel like I could be speaking too soon since I know we’re only on the cusp of the teen years everyone complains about but all my friends have been having issues with their tweens for the last year or so and so far it seems I actually have little to worry about... DD and I are very close. We share the same sense of humour and many interest, she’s very open with me, she actually wants to spend time with me and with her family, she’s very loving and affectionate.

Maybe she’s just a great kid but I feel like these things have helped us (and funnily enough my mother did the opposite of these things). Maybe they’re not for everyone, but these things I feel help us personally, being who I am and who my daughter is:
-show compassion: even when they’re having ridiculous meltdowns about trivial things, treat them as you would want to be treated in your moments of upset
-pick your battles very wisely: basically where possible choose your relationship with them over your desire to be right/the boss etc
-set boundaries but be open to negotiation within reason
-keep up to date with what they’re into especially online, know how to use the technology they’re into like atm it’s tiktok, snapchat etc
-build them up in every way, be supportive of their sense of style, taste in music etc. encourage them into activities that make them feel good about themselves
-never shame them
-talk to them fairly openly about life, engage them in discussion by regularly asking them for their opinion on things (and showing that you value their opinion)
-model kindness to others
-openly admit and apologise for your mistakes and failings
-build a strong sense of family: we personally schedule family activities like family movie nights, family Nintendo sessions, family bike rides, family camping trips (which I feel is what normal families probably do anyway? but growing up I never had this)
-make time for one on one time, special outings and long talks

Ultimately though I think the biggest difference between mine and DD’s relationship and my and my mother’s relationship is that... I am not my mother! Somehow I seemed to overlook this important part when I spent 13 years worrying about mine and DD’s relationship turning out the same

[wobblermummy]

We have always been very close, my mum says ive always reminded her of her mum from smell to looks. When i was little she could never smack me as i reminded her too much of her mum, i was the good kid so never needed lol. We are still very close and message at all hrs of the day. Mym was diagnosed with terminal nhl 2019, i don't want to think of my life without her in it

[ciaomamma]

Thank you to everybody for the replies!
It’s giving such anxiety! It’s so nice to hear it’s achievable to have a good mother-daughter relationship. ❤️
I am just afraid that it’s me, my mum wasn’t terrible, there was no abuse or poverty or anything worthy of saying she was a bad person but as I analyze my childhood I can’t remember any warm and fuzzy memories, all my memories are bad or sad or just not that impressive, sometimes I’ll try hard and I’ll remember something nice but then I’ll just circle back to why? Why wasn’t that done more often... I feel like a ****ty person for being so negative but I just generally don’t like my mum, not as a person... I just hope my kid actually likes me as a person!
Every time I say no to her I keep thinking is she going to remember that one time I said no and that’s it, that’s her memory and she’ll think of her childhood how I think of mine?

[AdornedWithCats]

I tried to post the other day but lost it.

In short, I think you can change relationship patterns that are in your family. It can take a lot of work so I suggest finding a good counsellor/psych who you can talk through with and get to the root of why you have trouble liking your mum. There may he something deeper there that you don't realise.

I think it's important to be self aware when trying to prevent history repeating so to speak. No one is perfect, so if you are self aware and communicate openly with your daughter then she can learn these important skills early on. You're not always going to get along...so it's important you both know how to maintain the relationship and forgive when necessary.

Short version of my story is that I had built up a lot of resentment towards my Mum. I wasn't too sure why...I knew something's but not how deeply it went. That was until I found a good psych who I worked it all out with. Essentially my mum couldn't give me everything I needed as a child. Now as an adult I can forgive her as I know she wasn't able to give me what I needed...It wasn't her fault. In fact she had a poor relationship with her mother too. We get along better now...as I can enjoy her company without resenting her and accept her for who she is and what she can give me (rather than what she can't). We will never have the mother-daughter relationship I truly need but we can still have something that's not perfect.

Eta. In contrast to some of the other stories here, I often felt alone and like I had to solve my own problems by myself as a child.

[Sirena89]

No. I felt both my parents wanted me to do things in order to please them and the way other people see them. If I refused they would attack me verbally, then emotionally blackmail me . They were never affectionate. Their love (or rather approval, because truth be told, I never felt loved by them) was conditional. I was always criticised and told I was selfish and that they only want the best for me. I did well at school but it was never enough. Everything I have done, I could have done better..I think they are selfish and manipulative, and never want to be the kind of parent they were.
Therefore, I distanced my self, I dont engage them in my life or any matters/problems that I have, but I never denied them access from kids. It is just that they are not that interested in kids. They keep pestering me as they are not happy that I am keeping them at a distance, but I am happier and less stressed this way. Oh and they never liked my husband because he stood up for himself when he realised he was being used.

[Sirena89]

This sounds so much like my mum, but relationship still not great...

OP, my DD is nearly 13 and I have spent her whole life worrying about this. I feel like I could be speaking too soon since I know we’re only on the cusp of the teen years everyone complains about but all my friends have been having issues with their tweens for the last year or so and so far it seems I actually have little to worry about... DD and I are very close. We share the same sense of humour and many interest, she’s very open with me, she actually wants to spend time with me and with her family, she’s very loving and affectionate.

Maybe she’s just a great kid but I feel like these things have helped us (and funnily enough my mother did the opposite of these things). Maybe they’re not for everyone, but these things I feel help us personally, being who I am and who my daughter is:
-show compassion: even when they’re having ridiculous meltdowns about trivial things, treat them as you would want to be treated in your moments of upset
-pick your battles very wisely: basically where possible choose your relationship with them over your desire to be right/the boss etc
-set boundaries but be open to negotiation within reason
-keep up to date with what they’re into especially online, know how to use the technology they’re into like atm it’s tiktok, snapchat etc
-build them up in every way, be supportive of their sense of style, taste in music etc. encourage them into activities that make them feel good about themselves
-never shame them
-talk to them fairly openly about life, engage them in discussion by regularly asking them for their opinion on things (and showing that you value their opinion)
-model kindness to others
-openly admit and apologise for your mistakes and failings
-build a strong sense of family: we personally schedule family activities like family movie nights, family Nintendo sessions, family bike rides, family camping trips (which I feel is what normal families probably do anyway? but growing up I never had this)
-make time for one on one time, special outings and long talks

Ultimately though I think the biggest difference between mine and DD’s relationship and my and my mother’s relationship is that... I am not my mother! Somehow I seemed to overlook this important part when I spent 13 years worrying about mine and DD’s relationship turning out the same

Thank you so much for your advice.
I absolutely agree with all of it, and see areas where I can improve. I have a terrible relationship with my parents and often struggle with guilt in how I am raising my kids..

[turquoisecoast]

We did not have a good relationship growing up, and now it is better at a distance. The issue for me was being made to feel like every single negative or challenging thing in my childhood was my own fault/caused by me, despite the fact my parents had a traumatic seperation and divorce when I was very young, my mum was unstable and barely present, and both my parents live with mental illness that affected we children. She's a perpetual victim and rarely has any insight to how her own behaviour affected her kids.

sounds exactly like dh’s mum. she’s totally unable to see beyond her own trauma and see things from someone else’s perspective. she’s forever the hapless victim to whom life just happens. she’s got zero self awareness and can’t see that she has at least some control over her circumstances in life. she’s also co dependent and enmeshment is a huge feature in the family dynamic. of course any dissenting or outside views are a
massive threat and vigorously denied. anyone with a different narrative is accused hysterically of “trying to tear the family apart”. she regularly accuses dh of having “changed”. the toxicity and level of high drama is just so exhausting. thankfully we don’t see that much of her. dh doesn’t have any kind of adult relationship with her really. it’s more of a fatherly caretaker relationship and she’s like an immature and petulant child role. really sad that this is what it is, but what can you do. i married dh, certainly not his family

[MissTwiggley]

No. I felt both my parents wanted me to do things in order to please them and the way other people see them. If I refused they would attack me verbally, then emotionally blackmail me . They were never affectionate. Their love (or rather approval, because truth be told, I never felt loved by them) was conditional. I was always criticised and told I was selfish and that they only want the best for me. I did well at school but it was never enough. Everything I have done, I could have done better..I think they are selfish and manipulative, and never want to be the kind of parent they were.
Therefore, I distanced my self, I dont engage them in my life or any matters/problems that I have, but I never denied them access from kids. It is just that they are not that interested in kids. They keep pestering me as they are not happy that I am keeping them at a distance, but I am happier and less stressed this way. Oh and they never liked my husband because he stood up for himself when he realised he was being used.

sounds exactly like dh’s mum. she’s totally unable to see beyond her own trauma and see things from someone else’s perspective. she’s forever the hapless victim to whom life just happens. she’s got zero self awareness and can’t see that she has at least some control over her circumstances in life. she’s also co dependent and enmeshment is a huge feature in the family dynamic. of course any dissenting or outside views are a massive threat and vigorously denied. anyone with a different narrative is accused hysterically of “trying to tear the family apart”. she regularly accuses dh of having “changed”. the toxicity and level of high drama is just so exhausting. thankfully we don’t see that much of her. dh doesn’t have any kind of adult relationship with her really. it’s more of a fatherly caretaker relationship and she’s like an immature and petulant child role. really sad that this is what it is, but what can you do. i married dh, certainly not his family

Wow. Both of these posts describe my mother and my childhood to a T.

I'm seriously reading these two posts.

My mum seems to think that DH has changed me, her 'sweet little daughter'. She can't accept or even acknowledge that her behaviour caused the rift between us, and DH had nothing to do with it. Do either of you feel your parents/IL's feel the same way (in your case tc, that you are changing DH)?

My IL's feel I've changed DH and my SIL said straight to my face that DH is p---y whipped.

And our families still wonder why we both want to move interstate with the kids.