Do you have a good relationship with your mother?

[ciaomamma]

For those who have a good relationship with their mother, please tell me what did your mother do/not do that built your relationship so that you’re now close as adults.
It is my biggest fear, I have a poor relationship with my mother and I am terrified I am going to repeat history with my daughter!

[turquoisecoast]

my mum and i are very close. i don’t divulge every single thing, but she knows most things and we talk often and openly.

i think growing up, i always had a sense she was on my side. even if i was outwardly in the wrong, i knew she was in my corner and would go into battle for me (even if i was in trouble privately at home). she didn’t enable bad behaviour, but she always made me feel safe and protected.

she was over protective and has her faults for sure, but i’ve always s felt i can go to her with anything and even if she doesn’t agree, she has my back.

[JR03]

My mum and I are close. I’m the youngest of 4 and there is an 8 year age gap between me and my next sibling, so I feel like I almost grew up as an only child as far as attention from parents goes. I spent a lot of time with mum, I can’t actually remember her playing with me other than occasional board games with dad too, but I loved running errands with her. I have such fond memories of hot summer holidays of us running around getting last minute Christmas presents for people.

I also really admire how selfless she is. She will gladly drop everything to drive someone somewhere, cook meals for someone who is struggling or act as an advocate for someone who isn’t super confident. I think seeing what a strong and caring person she is makes her so easy to love.

I don’t tell her everything, we don’t have a best friend relationship, but I know that I can tell her anything if I need to. She’s a bit old fashioned so might judge me but if I tell her to pull her head in, she will, and will support me through whatever it is.

[Kazza78]

Following!!!

[EnchantedGrace]

She's definitely not perfect, but growing up I knew, like others, she would fight tooth and nail for me if it was needed.
If I was wrong, she'd let me know, but she was still there to help me through it.
If I needed anything, she'd do her best.
She would always give me a reason if something couldn't/ wouldn't be done.
I think it was a 2 way street though. She trusted me to make the right decisions, and so I did (most times)
As a teen (16, 17... and I'm in no way promoting this...) but she would let me have 1 or 2 drinks of alcohol (udl/cruiser) under supervision, for special occasions if I asked. They theory was if she allowed small amounts, I wouldn't sneak out and binge. It worked. She also allowed, my closest friends to have a few too - after speaking directly to their parents and getting the ok. It was just what my close friends did among us. Hasn't caused any ill harm. I've only been drunk once in my life, and haven't touched, by choice, alcohol in 10+ years. I just didn't like it 🤷‍♀️

There's still things I don't share with her, and subjects which are just too uncomfortable on my part to bring up. - sadly, mostly personal stuff. My whole puberty talk was "if you get blood in your knickers come see me", then "congratulations, you're a woman now" - sorry mum, no 11yo wants to hear those words during their first period. that was it. So Awkward 🤣

[MissTwiggley]

Much like you, I don't have a good relationship with my mother. It affected me well into adulthood in many different ways. She never validated my feelings, it was a constant competition of whose pain was worse, her love was conditional and everything was on a very superficial level. There was emotional manipulation and childhood trauma that I went through, which she still won't acknowledge and of course that causes unending grief. I am trying to work through my feelings at a very fast rate as she has cancer and for once I just want to feel like we've had something normal and loving just in case this the last I'll ever know of her.

I'd like to say that I am the opposite of my mother - Instead of reacting on a superficial level, I take time to get to the core of the issue. I loathe pushing people to achieve a desired outcome and I don't care who thinks what of my parenting (unlike my mum) - My gauge is my children's happiness and comfort.

When you haven't had a healthy relationship with your mother, your boundaries are distorted. You struggle to know what normal looks like. The way I've worked through it all is to follow my heart rather than the noise that surrounds me.

[Mod-Degrassi]

I am close to my mum. We are the same in some ways, but very opposite in others.

Some of the things I feel she has done right are:

- Giving me the security of knowing she has my back and will go in to bat for me whenever needed.
- Genuinely caring about my wellbeing.
- Effectively communicating.
- Being affectionate and loving. Gives loads of praise and tells me how proud she is of me.
- Being generally thoughtful.
- Providing a stable home environment.
- Trusting my judgement.

I think it's very much possible to be a great mother when you haven't had the best upbringing yourself. My mum never felt very loved or important when she grew up (her father is more to blame for this), but she was one of those people who decided she'd never want her kids to feel that way and raised us differently to how she was.

[turquoisecoast]

Much like you, I don't have a good relationship with my mother. It affected me well into adulthood in many different ways. She never validated my feelings, it was a constant competition of whose pain was worse, her love was conditional and everything was on a very superficial level. There was emotional manipulation and childhood trauma that I went through, which she still won't acknowledge and of course that causes unending grief. I am trying to work through my feelings at a very fast rate as she has cancer and for once I just want to feel like we've had something normal and loving just in case this the last I'll ever know of her.

I'd like to say that I am the opposite of my mother - Instead of reacting on a superficial level, I take time to get to the core of the issue. I loathe pushing people to achieve a desired outcome and I don't care who thinks what of my parenting (unlike my mum) - My gauge is my children's happiness and comfort.

When you haven't had a healthy relationship with your mother, your boundaries are distorted. You struggle to know what normal looks like. The way I've worked through it all is to follow my heart rather than the noise that surrounds me.

your relationship with your mum sounds very much like the relationship my mum had with her mum (from what she’s told me). my mum strived/strove (??) to mother in the exact opposite way and she was successful. it sounds as though you’re doing the same xx

[MissTwiggley]

your relationship with your mum sounds very much like the relationship my mum had with her mum (from what she’s told me). my mum strived/strove (??) to mother in the exact opposite way and she was successful. it sounds as though you’re doing the same xx

Aw, thanks lovely, I appreciate your words! I never want my kids to feel and experience what I did. I do notice bits and pieces of my mum creeping up in my thoughts, but I quickly shut it down. I wonder if your mum went through similar moments? It's such a conscious effort to override what you internalised, but we do grow and learn everyday and wherever there is growth, there is also hope.

[BornToBe]

We did not have a good relationship growing up, and now it is better at a distance. The issue for me was being made to feel like every single negative or challenging thing in my childhood was my own fault/caused by me, despite the fact my parents had a traumatic seperation and divorce when I was very young, my mum was unstable and barely present, and both my parents live with mental illness that affected we children. She's a perpetual victim and rarely has any insight to how her own behaviour affected her kids.