+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 12
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    3,865
    Thanks
    2,188
    Thanked
    2,324
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts

    Default Husband lacking affection to kids

    Struggled a bit with how to title the post... But I guess that's about it. My husband really struggles to show any kind of affection to our kids.

    And of course I feel like he's missing out on so much. I know exactly why, his parents especially his dad just never showed love of affection in the home. But can't he break that mould? How do you encourage people in this way? Or maybe I need to just let it go and accept that's who he is? He's a pretty good, hand on, present dad in other ways. I do have a fear our girls will seek relationships early because they don't feel much love from their dad. Thanks for reading, I've needed to get this off my chest.
    Last edited by BornToBe; 22-11-2020 at 16:35.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    14,654
    Thanks
    10,068
    Thanked
    11,023
    Reviews
    13
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Gosh that's heart breaking. If be talking to him about how he isn't actually meeting the needs of his children and the long term effects that can have.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    3,865
    Thanks
    2,188
    Thanked
    2,324
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    It is, and I do and have brought it up to the point where he just feels nagged. Classic garden variety male, not much into self analysis or self improvement I can only keep trying.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    14,654
    Thanks
    10,068
    Thanked
    11,023
    Reviews
    13
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    What is his reaction when you tell him that he could essentially be damaging them by withholding affection?

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    3,865
    Thanks
    2,188
    Thanked
    2,324
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    He listens, he tells me he tries to improve. Maybe he is but I don't get to see it. He seems literally embarrassed to be seen loving on his kids.
    It's not like he's the only person in the world struggling with this. Both his parents are physically detached. Both my maternal grandparents were the same and didn't show my mum physical affection. I suspect it's generational. DH's parents are older (70s).
    I just want him to see he is missing out on so much too. I will keep trying. As I say he's a great present husband and dad in other ways.
    I feel a bit defensive of him now, there are certainly worse things for a father to be

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    839
    Thanks
    356
    Thanked
    800
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by BornToBe View Post
    He listens, he tells me he tries to improve. Maybe he is but I don't get to see it. He seems literally embarrassed to be seen loving on his kids.
    It's not like he's the only person in the world struggling with this. Both his parents are physically detached. Both my maternal grandparents were the same and didn't show my mum physical affection. I suspect it's generational. DH's parents are older (70s).
    I just want him to see he is missing out on so much too. I will keep trying. As I say he's a great present husband and dad in other ways.
    I feel a bit defensive of him now, there are certainly worse things for a father to be
    My parents didn’t show love or affection, it definitely is damaging but I have broken that mould as I know how damaging it is and I show affection everyday but then again I just feel like it’s natural to me and can’t understand why it’s not natural for others. Nothing wrong with you wanting him to be more affectionate, what does he say when you ask why he isn’t? At least he tells them he loves them, I never even got that from both of mine. I think the kids will be fine but your a good mum for wanting them to have enough affection from both parents xx

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2017
    Posts
    2,533
    Thanks
    2,858
    Thanked
    3,303
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by BornToBe View Post
    But can't he break that mould?
    Don't be hard on yourself for having these feelings - Those four little beings are your world and you would do anything to ensure they are being nourished physically and emotionally. This is just you expressing your concern, not necessarily putting him down.

    He sounds like a loving father who just struggles with one aspect of parenting. There will of course be lasting after effects from his own upbringing and one would assume that he would look back on said upbringing and say 'I never want my kids to feel this way', but I think in making that assumption we're unintentionally oversimplifying the issue. Without a positive default/base childhood experience from which to judge his behaviour against, it would be difficult for him to self assess his expected level of physical affection. That's not to say it's impossible, it's just an added barrier. Him watching someone else do it well also doesn't equate to understanding what to do himself.

    I hope I've made sense.

    I've long thought there are two types of people in life - Those who have a feeling of regret/wanting change/realisation simply from watching others make mistakes in life, and those who have a feeling of regret/wanting change/realisation after they feel the sting themselves.

    I'm in the first group and my DH is in the latter. Yours may be too. This means I explain and explain and explain some more, and he just won't get it - Not until he feels the sting himself which unfortunately for him maybe too late.

    I guess don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to say that you're not alone.

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to MissTwiggley For This Useful Post:

    Phia (24-11-2020)

  9. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    5,432
    Thanks
    2,056
    Thanked
    3,454
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    When you say affection, what is your definition of this?

    Is it cuddles and tickles?
    Is it kind words or pet names?
    Is it laying beside them in bed at story time?

    I'm not a hugger. My kids didn't give me much choice, especially when young, but my lack of need to physical touch has been a sticking point for DH and I.

    Google 'love languages'. I haven't read the book, but I anecdotally agree that different people have different ways of showing love. I'm very much an acts of kindness person, DH is touch. It could be that your DH is showing his love in lots of ways, but they're not how you 'see' love as being expressed.

    When it comes to action and changing behaviour, go back to my questions above and be really clear on what specifically you feel he should do. Not just 'be more affectionate". Things like "give the kids each a bear hug at bed time" or "ruffle their hair when they have done something good".

    It sounds really formulaic, but it's what I've had to do and it seems to work for me. DH was saying "you should just want to hug me when we're in the same room, or rub my arm at dinner". But I genuinely have no inner drive to do those things, and they sort of annoy me when done to me. So I actually need to remind myself to do them. It has nothing to do with how much I do or don't love him.

  10. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Stretched For This Useful Post:

    JustJaq (23-11-2020),Phia (24-11-2020)

  11. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2020
    Posts
    34
    Thanks
    49
    Thanked
    14
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by BornToBe View Post
    Struggled a bit with how to title the post... But I guess that's about it. My husband really struggles to show any kind of affection to our kids.

    And of course I feel like he's missing out on so much. I know exactly why, his parents especially his dad just never showed love of affection in the home. But can't he break that mould? How do you encourage people in this way? Or maybe I need to just let it go and accept that's who he is? He's a pretty good, hand on, present dad in other ways. I do have a fear our girls will seek relationships early because they don't feel much love from their dad. Thanks for reading, I've needed to get this off my chest.
    Well, my father was like that. And he did not show us any affection. but he was supportive in most of our things. we got to know that his parents had not shown any affection to him during his childhood. I am very thankful for having my mother. She is the most loving, understanding person I know.
    I would say your husband following what his dad had done in the past. But I am sure you can work something out.
    I feel that he still does not realise what he is missing. My personal view is that he needs to be told about this. and at least he can start trying to show some affections towards the kids.
    but at least be thankful because he is present in all other aspects of his children's lives..
    Last edited by Allison 2020; 24-11-2020 at 15:02.

  12. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    601
    Thanks
    461
    Thanked
    524
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    As you say, he loves them and is supportive, present, hands on dad- I think that is most important. If the kids feel safe and secure in his love that is most important and they will have good childhood and feel confident in themselves.
    You could try telling him specifically what to do, as suggested above, and it might work.
    But, my opinion is, no one , as parents , are perfect, and we will all end up doing damage in some area in some way, no matter how we try , because kids are different to us, and things that we hold important they might not.. we love them, and support them and that is what matters.
    I grew up without the affection and I am very affectionate with my kids. That part didnt damage my relatioship with my parents. It was their conditional love and support and constant criticism and emotional blackmail..

  13. The Following User Says Thank You to Sirena89 For This Useful Post:

    Kalina (23-11-2020)


 

Similar Threads

  1. How much is TV affecting your kids?
    By lulu 2 in forum General Chat
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 18-09-2013, 12:56
  2. Lets be more thruthfull, It is affecting our kids
    By moveing on in forum Single Parents
    Replies: 45
    Last Post: 05-08-2013, 19:50
  3. Does the moon affect your kids????
    By heymegz in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 10-04-2013, 18:55
  4. do you think divorce can affect the kids
    By angie87 in forum Western Australia
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 26-02-2011, 11:25
  5. Replies: 3
    Last Post: 11-07-2010, 14:03

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

FEATURED SUPPORTER
Cots on BubhubLooking to buy a cot or bassinet? :: Cot safety checklist :: Local or online nursery ...

ADVERTISEMENT