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  1. #1
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    Default Should we or shouldn’t we be parents?

    Hi all,
    Apologies this may be a bit of a lengthy post but I am after some anonymous advice, wisdom, pros and cons, etc. I can’t find a topic in the forums for this but my partner and I can’t make a decision - do we have a baby?

    We are both mid to late thirties, we’ve both done nothing but worked, and prior to getting together almost a decade ago, we never wanted kids, really. But we are now at a crossroads as we think we want one together.

    Yes, we ‘think we want’, not want. We are at the pros and con stage and being very analytical about it as we’ve never been interested in our younger years. Now, we are experienced, we are content, we are warming to the idea. He is great with kids, the fun uncle, and we share the same values and thoughts about how we would want to bring up our child. I am maternal but more so with my animals (we have cats, sheep, cows, chickens, a galah and foster kittens as well!! The foster kittens do help keep my ovaries quiet hahaha). I’m ok with kids but haven’t got patience or interest in other people’s kids, even my nieces and nephews. I worry I would be the same with ours, or would I be different with my own?

    His family live 300km away but they would be ecstatic, they always hassle us about having kids, and are so much fun. Best kids in that family. My side live closer (two towns over) but I don’t feel like they would be happy about it, by a few comments made in the past. I can’t count on them for help or support.

    Financially I have so many questions, again I’ve been a workaholic and a excellent worker and again comments made in the past by management that they would be pretty annoyed if i went on maternity leave. With no family support I’d have to give up work, and I’m looking into parenting payments and from what I can work out seems to be just 250ish a week. I can do some freelance work from home and really ramp that up but it’s looks like I can’t earn anything or I don’t get government help. I’m so confused.

    Then I think what if things go wrong. Health wise for me and/or baby. I suffer from depression, I’m worried about being post natal. My sister has two autistic kids, (not severely), but puts up with a lot of tantrums and issues and I could t cope with that.

    So we keep going around in circles, it’s like 75% it’s HELL NO and 25% is could be nice. Am I just romanticizing , or have I really answered my own question, and stick to animals??

    Appreciate any feedback, and I also want to say I do r want to cause any offense with any of my comments. I’m just being raw, word vomiting how I’m feeling!!

    Thank you all x

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  3. #2
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    I don’t think you’ll regret having a child.

    I was a bit like you. Very career focussed and loving a great life with my husband when we started talking about having a baby.

    I saw it as win win. We have a baby and it will be amazing. Or we continue to live our excellent child free lives. Of course once we started trying I became obsessed with having a baby but that’s another story 😂

    Sorry that’s not overly helpful, but I think you’ve got lots of positive options.

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    That’s actually a excellent thought. It is a win win ! Thank you

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    At the end of the day it is up to you guys, so try not to let family/friends/work sway you by comments of excitement or negativity.

    I've got 3, but always wanted 3 🤷‍♀️ I'm not sure where I'd be if we didn't have kids, because we planned it.. but I do know they bring a level of crazy and busy and fullness to our lives we wouldn't have gotten any other way.
    But - it has its challenges!! We decided I'd be a SAHM so my career has taken a huge hit. It would require a lot of study on my part to return as the industry had an overhaul as I left and I'm so out of touch now.... but it's been about 10 years now... I'm itching to get back into the workforce but it's not feesable right at the moment. And with 3, spare time to myself is few and far between (with 1 it's much easier 😂)

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    Yeah we are wanting just the one!! I’m lucky in that while I work full time in retail, I also freelance in my industry that I was in up until three years ago. So I could still get some income and keep up with it, but yeah. I don’t know. I almost wish we get pregnant accidentally so we don’t have to make the decision haha! I know we’d be fun parents and will have a lot of love but just want to be sure, I’d feel selfish if I had a had I wasn’t sure I really wanted in the first place.

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    Firstly, you definitely feel differently about your own kids compared to even your nieces/nephews/bestie's kids.

    Secondly, do you think the autism has come from your side of the family (eg. Do you have "odd" relatives who you suspect now days would be diagnosed with Autism) or his side? If it's your side, then that increases your chances a lot. My 2nd child doesn't have an autism diagnosis yet, but is very borderline and it may come as the social demands on him increase (he is 7). He also suffers anxiety. He is SO.MUCH.WORK! So much more than my 1st child.

    Most importantly, and I won't sugarcoat this, motherhood will grab you by the ankles, throw you upside down and shake you until your whole sense of self falls scattered to the ground. You will be forced to completely rethink everything you ever assumed about yourself and the world around you, every value, every goal, every plan. Because suddenly you will have this amazing little person who not only demands your all, but you will have an unfightable urge, a want, to give them your all and then some. You will be both happily and unhappily lost in motherhood for some time, probably for good (I'm 12 years in now). 99% chance it will have only a small impact on your partner by comparison. Parenthood will test your relationship. It will make you change your view of what is important. It will make you love so much you think your heart is going to burst.

    Then there is the practical way becoming a parent makes everything harder, more complicated and more time consuming. Take your current workload and double it. I was busy and was at one point a complete workaholic. I thought I knew stress and being busy, I didn't.

    I had my 1st at 32, 2nd at 37. I have a few friends who didn't have theirs until close to or over 40. For them the adjustment has been even more huge as they were so used to the life they had.

    No one can tell you if you should or shouldn't. The pros list is just as long as the cons. I love being a parent. I know people who don't.

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    Welcome to BubHub!

    I don't have much advice to offer except to say to not be fooled into thinking that your patience, interest and tolerance for other children will be indicative of your patience, interest, tolerance and most importantly, love, for your child. I say this from experience. I babysat many children in my teens, including my nephew on a regular basis, and as much as I love him and as tolerant as I was, it pales in comparison to the level of dedication I have for my children. They are very much my whole world and with everything I do, they are at the forefront of that decision.

    Good luck.

  10. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stretched View Post
    Firstly, you definitely feel differently about your own kids compared to even your nieces/nephews/bestie's kids.

    Secondly, do you think the autism has come from your side of the family (eg. Do you have "odd" relatives who you suspect now days would be diagnosed with Autism) or his side? If it's your side, then that increases your chances a lot. My 2nd child doesn't have an autism diagnosis yet, but is very borderline and it may come as the social demands on him increase (he is 7). He also suffers anxiety. He is SO.MUCH.WORK! So much more than my 1st child.

    Most importantly, and I won't sugarcoat this, motherhood will grab you by the ankles, throw you upside down and shake you until your whole sense of self falls scattered to the ground. You will be forced to completely rethink everything you ever assumed about yourself and the world around you, every value, every goal, every plan. Because suddenly you will have this amazing little person who not only demands your all, but you will have an unfightable urge, a want, to give them your all and then some. You will be both happily and unhappily lost in motherhood for some time, probably for good (I'm 12 years in now). 99% chance it will have only a small impact on your partner by comparison. Parenthood will test your relationship. It will make you change your view of what is important. It will make you love so much you think your heart is going to burst.

    Then there is the practical way becoming a parent makes everything harder, more complicated and more time consuming. Take your current workload and double it. I was busy and was at one point a complete workaholic. I thought I knew stress and being busy, I didn't.

    I had my 1st at 32, 2nd at 37. I have a few friends who didn't have theirs until close to or over 40. For them the adjustment has been even more huge as they were so used to the life they had.

    No one can tell you if you should or shouldn't. The pros list is just as long as the cons. I love being a parent. I know people who don't.
    This.

    I never wanted kids in my teens. I was so sure that I wished my fertility be taken away and given to someone who desperately wanted it.
    Once I had my surprise first, I was soon love and became obsessed. So much so, that we had 4 more.
    I am very impatient person, and really disinterested in other kids, but mine mean the world to me. I don’t see them as kids, I see them as most fascinating people.
    Good luck with your decision!

  11. #9
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    As others have said it's really a question only you can answer. If you do want kids then to h*'ll with what family, friends or work think. If you don't, then ditto.

    I wonder if shifting the prism through which you're viewing this question might bring you a little more clarity. Right now you're thinking 'do we want kids', assuming it's an option available to you (in most cases that's true). But what if you were told that your fertility wasn't optimal, and actually you might not be able to have kids. If you can genuinely entertain that hypothetical, what does it make you feel, relief that the option isn't there, or sadness?

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  13. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stretched View Post
    Firstly, you definitely feel differently about your own kids compared to even your nieces/nephews/bestie's kids.

    Secondly, do you think the autism has come from your side of the family (eg. Do you have "odd" relatives who you suspect now days would be diagnosed with Autism) or his side? If it's your side, then that increases your chances a lot. My 2nd child doesn't have an autism diagnosis yet, but is very borderline and it may come as the social demands on him increase (he is 7). He also suffers anxiety. He is SO.MUCH.WORK! So much more than my 1st child.

    Most importantly, and I won't sugarcoat this, motherhood will grab you by the ankles, throw you upside down and shake you until your whole sense of self falls scattered to the ground. You will be forced to completely rethink everything you ever assumed about yourself and the world around you, every value, every goal, every plan. Because suddenly you will have this amazing little person who not only demands your all, but you will have an unfightable urge, a want, to give them your all and then some. You will be both happily and unhappily lost in motherhood for some time, probably for good (I'm 12 years in now). 99% chance it will have only a small impact on your partner by comparison. Parenthood will test your relationship. It will make you change your view of what is important. It will make you love so much you think your heart is going to burst.

    Then there is the practical way becoming a parent makes everything harder, more complicated and more time consuming. Take your current workload and double it. I was busy and was at one point a complete workaholic. I thought I knew stress and being busy, I didn't.

    I had my 1st at 32, 2nd at 37. I have a few friends who didn't have theirs until close to or over 40. For them the adjustment has been even more huge as they were so used to the life they had.

    No one can tell you if you should or shouldn't. The pros list is just as long as the cons. I love being a parent. I know people who don't.
    That’s such a fantastic summary!


 

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