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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beary View Post
    Thanks everyone!

    I also don’t have the stomach for crying which was probably part of the reason I wasn’t making much progress!

    I think it’s a very helpful suggestion for me to separate feed time from sleep time a bit, so thank you.

    Otherwise it sounds like I just need to give it time and move at DD’s pace. I was freaking out because it seemed like all the mothers in my mothers group had these amazing routines and their bubs would just drift off to sleep on their own. I was starting to feel like a failure! But I’m a big softie.
    Don’t discount that a lot of mums in mothers groups tell a few white lies due to pride! Don’t believe all of it. Everyone’s on struggle street with a 4mth old lol. You just do you xx

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  3. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beary View Post
    Thanks everyone!

    I also don’t have the stomach for crying which was probably part of the reason I wasn’t making much progress!

    I think it’s a very helpful suggestion for me to separate feed time from sleep time a bit, so thank you.

    Otherwise it sounds like I just need to give it time and move at DD’s pace. I was freaking out because it seemed like all the mothers in my mothers group had these amazing routines and their bubs would just drift off to sleep on their own. I was starting to feel like a failure! But I’m a big softie.
    After my first I learned to take everything I heard at mothers group with a large grain of salt. When we were struggling with sleep I felt like a failure because nobody else seemed to be. It was only months later that i found out I wasn't the only one, but I was the only one admitting to it. I'm not saying this is the case with your mothers group, maybe all the other babies happen to be sleepers - but just be aware that sometimes there can be an unspoken competitiveness in these groups.

    Eta: didn't read previous post before posting. Yep, absolutely.
    Last edited by Kalina; 29-07-2020 at 11:34.

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  5. #13
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    Just my two cents and I hope it doesn’t offend anyone.

    Mums need to stop gauging how well they are doing based on how their baby sleeps. I know alot of mums like this and it does my head in.

    Babies arent robots, they are tiny little humans who have had all the comforts of being close to their mummy in their tummy and all of a sudden they are born into a crazy new environment.

    Granted, some are naturally better sleepers than others, and some just arent. You cannot spoil your babies with too many cuddles, feeding to sleeping, rocking to sleep etc. The more you grow that confidence that you will always be there for them, the more confident they will become in their own unique time.

    You are doing amazing hun and you just keep doing you.

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  7. #14
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    Totally, @MrsMummaButterfly

    A baby who sleeps is not a parental achievement. It just isn’t. It has very little to do with what parents do or don’t do - every baby is different. It is also not a measure of how “good” a baby is. All babies are good. At best, it might be a measure of how convenient they are.

    I had a mother’s group who were lovely human beings, but awful support during my darkest days. All of their babies slept 10 hours overnight since birth and napped peacefully for three hour stints all day long while they took luxurious baths and did cross stitch.

    My baby cried almost every second that she wasn’t being actively held and rocked to sleep by me for the first six months of her life. She woke up every hour overnight. I couldn’t put her down for a nap, even for ten minutes, without her waking up and screaming for the next hour.

    Recently, one of the mothers group Mums messaged me. She has just had her second baby. This baby does not sleep. She said she was sorry for how her judgement must have made me feel during those early months when life was clearly harder for me than it was for her.

    Moral of the story? Take it with a grain of salt.

    Fun fact: My baby grew into a toddler who sleeps 12 hours straight overnight, asks to go to bed at bedtime, falls asleep without complaint, and eats up all her vegetables. It’s swings and roundabouts. The challenges are different for every parent, but we all have them.

    You do you.

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  9. #15
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    I don't know if women judge themselves based on how their baby sleeps, maybe some do. The vast majority of mums I think understand and agree with everything above about babies - it's a big deal coming into the world, and most mums wouldn't think a baby can have too many cuddles etc. Part of the practical side of being a mum in our society, where so many women don't have help from their own mothers, sisters or aunties at home, is figuring out how to function in other areas while absolutely being there for your baby. I certainly don't know anyone who had really serious sleep problems in the early weeks - it's months later, when the world around you expects you to not drop any balls, that it becomes difficult to get by on snatches of sleep.

    When I had dd1 there was a long stage where she was waking hourly overnight. I had nobody to help me. I felt like a failure - not because I judged myself on how my baby was sleeping, but precisely because I thought what I was going through was normal and that I should be coping better, but instead I was a wreck who could barely get through the day, and couldn't even drive anywhere because I was too tired to get behind the wheel safely. I judged myself on my ability to handle what i thought was a normal situation. And then i found out that that level of sleep deprivation, at that stage, wasn't to be expected - I actually had to teach my baby to sleep better, for her sake first and foremost.

    So I think there's a fine line to be found between supporting women to, of course, give their babies all the love and attention they need - but also to understand that sometimes sleep is a skill, and teaching that skill is also a skill.

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  11. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kalina View Post
    I don't know if women judge themselves based on how their baby sleeps, maybe some do. The vast majority of mums I think understand and agree with everything above about babies - it's a big deal coming into the world, and most mums wouldn't think a baby can have too many cuddles etc. Part of the practical side of being a mum in our society, where so many women don't have help from their own mothers, sisters or aunties at home, is figuring out how to function in other areas while absolutely being there for your baby. I certainly don't know anyone who had really serious sleep problems in the early weeks - it's months later, when the world around you expects you to not drop any balls, that it becomes difficult to get by on snatches of sleep.

    When I had dd1 there was a long stage where she was waking hourly overnight. I had nobody to help me. I felt like a failure - not because I judged myself on how my baby was sleeping, but precisely because I thought what I was going through was normal and that I should be coping better, but instead I was a wreck who could barely get through the day, and couldn't even drive anywhere because I was too tired to get behind the wheel safely. I judged myself on my ability to handle what i thought was a normal situation. And then i found out that that level of sleep deprivation, at that stage, wasn't to be expected - I actually had to teach my baby to sleep better, for her sake first and foremost.

    So I think there's a fine line to be found between supporting women to, of course, give their babies all the love and attention they need - but also to understand that sometimes sleep is a skill, and teaching that skill is also a skill.
    Thank you for sharing your story, and i agree totally, there is a fine line and everyone has their own battles and story. As with anything there is no, one size fits all approach. But thank you for opening my mind to the differing reasons.

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  13. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by amiracle4me View Post
    Don’t discount that a lot of mums in mothers groups tell a few white lies due to pride! Don’t believe all of it. Everyone’s on struggle street with a 4mth old lol. You just do you xx
    This. 1000% this.

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  15. #18
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    You are all right of course.

    She is such a happy baby, so I should focus on that - not how good she is at sleeping. My husband said on my deathbed, there’s no way I’d regret giving my baby too many cuddles!

    And I think that mums are just conditioned to feel like we are failing no matter what we do. I know I put so much pressure on myself, but I’m only human!

  16. #19
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    I used a variation of the 'cry it out' method it's a bit softer - when fussing turns to crying, go in, offer a cuddle in the dark without talking (you can hum a tune) then go back out, repeat. While I still had to offer the bottle before bed until she was about 1 - she self settled by the end of that week. I put baby lavender on her sheets and always hummed the same tune - this helped form associations, I think. She's now 20 months and she hums the same tune before bedtime.

    Mine has always been high energy and demanding during her waking hours so the fact that bedtime became quick and easy was a godsend - I don't function well in mess so it gave me time to clean and get things in order. Rocking her for hours before bed, which I was doing up until then, left me tapped out and always chasing my tail.


 

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