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  1. #1
    Allymumtobe's Avatar
    Allymumtobe is online now Winner 2012 - Most Optimistic Poster
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    Default Fifth pregnancy lucky?

    I haven’t posted in years. But I feel like I’m going a bit crazy and need to rant some of it out and I few bad for my long suffering friends. Who I know love me but must be tired of propping me up at least once a day Haha.

    So some long term hubbers might remember me.

    I have a stillborn baby boy with T18 in April 2013 at 30 weeks followed by 3 6-9weeks miscarriages all requiring D&Cs in 2014/15 (-,T16, -X). All except one with genetic issues. My OB told me to get a good egg I’d have to get pregnant 3 times a year till I was 35 to get ONE healthy pregnancy. I was 28 at the time and the idea of getting and possibly losing 20 pregnancies to get to luck 21 terrified me.

    What some may not have known is my husband was emotionally abusive and I left him net years 2016.

    I was then in a relationship that was great until it because very volatile and toxic and insane which I only fully removed myself from I January this year.

    Which brings me to now. I wasn’t in a great place really trying to work out what I waked moving forward and decided “hey! Let’s throw the dice!”

    So today I am 13 weeks pregnant. This baby was tested with the percept blood test and has been found to be a normal boring DNA boy. Which is fantastic!

    Problem is between my infertility, terrible relationships and multiple losses I have developed c-ptsd.

    Which for me means that no matter how much I’m told everything is okay by the time the next appointment creeps up I’m terrified that I’m going to find out that he has passed away.

    I have a 13 week scan tomorrow and I can already feel the anxiety pain and that intense inner vibrations starting up.

    I wish so hard that I could trust that come November I’m brining home perfectly healthy normal little boy. But I can’t relax.

    Most days I feel like I’m in a nice little made up fantasy and that my pregnancy isn’t real despite all the documentation and HG that really have tried to drive home the point

    I just want to feel like a normal pregnant person excited and happy and sure.

    I feel silly having bought two little onesies for this baby. So much of me feels like the universe is gonna make me look like an idiot again.

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  3. #2
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    Massive massive massive congrats and hugs. I indeed remember you. I have no advice other than use all the resources you have xx

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  5. #3
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    I’m sorry you can’t enjoy your pregnancy.

    We lost a little boy at 24 weeks and my subsequent pregnancy was awful. It wasn’t until we had our baby at home I could accept it.

    I was honest with my dr and was able to have more frequent appointments and scans for my piece of mind.

    There are some pregnancy after loss groups as well which might help. Otherwise find a great counsellor to see. You hospital or on might have some suggestions.

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    Allymumtobe (18-05-2020)

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    Hi Ally, I remember your journey in 2013 and am sorry to hear the road hasn't been much smoother since.

    Firstly, no wonder you have PTSD! It's 100% understandable given what you have been through. I "only" had 2 miscarriages trying for DS, but I could not relax for fear (especially as one was a missed misscarrage where I still had all symptoms). Lucky for me I started feeling movements at 13.5 weeks and that helped a LOT. Otherwise I would have been at the Drs every 2 weeks for a scan/Doppler!

    I don't think there could be a magic wand treatment that could be waved and take away your anxiety around being pregnant again. It takes decades for people to work through PTSD and you have to cope in the here and now.

    I expect for you it will be about coping strategies and avoiding additional triggers.

    A someone who is prone to panic attacks avoiding additional triggers looks something like this. If my load at work is huge (e.g. report writing time) and I can feel the physical onset of pre-panic attack, I know I may need to say no to a planned night out or ask DH to step up with the kids. So for you, this may be the time to drop other pressures on you. So that's a general all-the-time adjustment.

    Secondly has been finding the actions that calm ME in the moment of almost tipping over the edge into panic. These are different for everyone. Focusing on breathing is the single worst thing I can do (and the one that everyone seems to recommend!). Touching another person's skin seems to help (as I start to feel very out-of-reality), if I'm alone then hearing a real person's voice can help. Pets don't work for me unfortunately, it has to be a person! I have managed to pull myself back by pinching myself too, not to hurt, just again to pull me back to earth. Going outside on a cold night can also help.

    If I'm not right on the tipping point but driving down the road fast towards it, a really soppy movie that will leave me bawling my eyes out can give me enough release to get back into rational brain land and look at why I started heading down the road.

    So you can see they're quite specific, so it may take a bit of trial and error to work out yours.

    Finally, it sounds cliche, but knowing that it's ok to not be ok helps. As in knowing that there IS something wrong with me, but that's ok, I'm allowed to have something wrong with me and there are genuine reasons why I am the way I am. You have suffered genuine trauma, you are allowed to not cope with being pregnant again, it's ok to feel the way you do and it makes you completely normal! Feel angry that you can't enjoy your pregnancy, it's fine to get angry. Feel sad. Don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling.

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  9. #5
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    Thank you ladies for taking the time to reply and sharing your thoughts and stories.

    It does suck not being able to be excited. Spending all my time focusing on anything I can try and control.

    I do hope I get movement that I’m sure if him/my uterus soon it will be nice to have the reassurance.

    I’ve been luck enough to be going through the “rainbow clinic” at the Mercy and so was seen every week till 9 weeks then a fortnight and they have just moved to 3 weeks which means I see the Ob next week but lucky for me my 13 weeks scan is tomorrow as I’m getting quite anxious.

    I worry this baby will have so much cortisol in their system.

    I’m lucky that my friends and family are very much in full prepare mode for this baby because I just can’t.

    I’m hoping to gain confidence over the pregnancy and maybe after I get over that 30 weeks that I lost angus I might?

    Part of me feels like people will have the sneak into my house while I’m at hospital and set it up for me and baby to come home to.

    Will be much easier the relax once he’s made it to the outside and I can just stare at him and watch him breathe

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    Oh ally. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I remember you and your story.
    Firstly, congratulations!!

    I also suffer from anxiety, and following on from pp, my coping strategies are music and zoning out, cleaning (a good deep thorough scrub of something like the shower where I can feel completely in control and physically work off frustraions/tensions does wonders) or if it's an overwhelmed feeling, sitting outside in the dark at night in the silence. I don't care if it's -4 And snowing. but strangely outside at night works best. It's only got to be 5 mins, but it just sort of 'resets' me.

    I have only had 1 miscarriage, and then 3 healthy term babies. But even in my last pregnancy, I just couldn't believe it. I was in disbelief. It took us almost 2 years of active rtf to get #2, so when I discovered 3 months after stopping contraception, with an irregular cycle, breastfeeding, extra weight, olde,NOT actively trying ... i just was so scared it would go away at any point. And even at 30ish weeks, had my mum telling me I really should be thinking about organising the cot, clothes, cupboards etc. Because I just hadn't bothered with anything.... I'd tell myself my odds were in my favour (2 healthy babies :1 loss) but it still didn't help...I still stressed...even though rationally... so I really can't imagine how hard it must be for you in your situation, with your history.

    My only advice would be to let yourself feel what you need to feel. Talk to your medical team: tell them you NEED extra reassurance. It's ok. You are stronger than you know. (I was always in awe at your strength reading through your journey with Angus) try to take things in smaller blocks. Each day, each week, each appointment... whatever you can to get you through.
    You've got this. You might not feel it at times, but you can do it.

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  13. #7
    Allymumtobe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shadowangel0205 View Post
    Oh ally. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I remember you and your story.
    Firstly, congratulations!!

    I also suffer from anxiety, and following on from pp, my coping strategies are music and zoning out, cleaning (a good deep thorough scrub of something like the shower where I can feel completely in control and physically work off frustraions/tensions does wonders) or if it's an overwhelmed feeling, sitting outside in the dark at night in the silence. I don't care if it's -4 And snowing. but strangely outside at night works best. It's only got to be 5 mins, but it just sort of 'resets' me.

    I have only had 1 miscarriage, and then 3 healthy term babies. But even in my last pregnancy, I just couldn't believe it. I was in disbelief. It took us almost 2 years of active rtf to get #2, so when I discovered 3 months after stopping contraception, with an irregular cycle, breastfeeding, extra weight, olde,NOT actively trying ... i just was so scared it would go away at any point. And even at 30ish weeks, had my mum telling me I really should be thinking about organising the cot, clothes, cupboards etc. Because I just hadn't bothered with anything.... I'd tell myself my odds were in my favour (2 healthy babies :1 loss) but it still didn't help...I still stressed...even though rationally... so I really can't imagine how hard it must be for you in your situation, with your history.

    My only advice would be to let yourself feel what you need to feel. Talk to your medical team: tell them you NEED extra reassurance. It's ok. You are stronger than you know. (I was always in awe at your strength reading through your journey with Angus) try to take things in smaller blocks. Each day, each week, each appointment... whatever you can to get you through.
    You've got this. You might not feel it at times, but you can do it.
    Thank you. I should hassle the mercy more. I feel bad for them having to deal with me though. Like I feel really self conscious about coming off crazy.

    I have a great psych but I’ve only been seeming her about a year and she doesn’t seem to understand how crazy I feel.

    I wish very much I could go into a blanket fort and come out with a baby!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Allymumtobe View Post
    I haven’t posted in years. But I feel like I’m going a bit crazy and need to rant some of it out and I few bad for my long suffering friends. Who I know love me but must be tired of propping me up at least once a day Haha.

    So some long term hubbers might remember me.

    I have a stillborn baby boy with T18 in April 2013 at 30 weeks followed by 3 6-9weeks miscarriages all requiring D&Cs in 2014/15 (-,T16, -X). All except one with genetic issues. My OB told me to get a good egg I’d have to get pregnant 3 times a year till I was 35 to get ONE healthy pregnancy. I was 28 at the time and the idea of getting and possibly losing 20 pregnancies to get to luck 21 terrified me.

    What some may not have known is my husband was emotionally abusive and I left him net years 2016.

    I was then in a relationship that was great until it because very volatile and toxic and insane which I only fully removed myself from I January this year.

    Which brings me to now. I wasn’t in a great place really trying to work out what I waked moving forward and decided “hey! Let’s throw the dice!”

    So today I am 13 weeks pregnant. This baby was tested with the percept blood test and has been found to be a normal boring DNA boy. Which is fantastic!

    Problem is between my infertility, terrible relationships and multiple losses I have developed c-ptsd.

    Which for me means that no matter how much I’m told everything is okay by the time the next appointment creeps up I’m terrified that I’m going to find out that he has passed away.

    I have a 13 week scan tomorrow and I can already feel the anxiety pain and that intense inner vibrations starting up.

    I wish so hard that I could trust that come November I’m brining home perfectly healthy normal little boy. But I can’t relax.

    Most days I feel like I’m in a nice little made up fantasy and that my pregnancy isn’t real despite all the documentation and HG that really have tried to drive home the point

    I just want to feel like a normal pregnant person excited and happy and sure.

    I feel silly having bought two little onesies for this baby. So much of me feels like the universe is gonna make me look like an idiot again.
    Hi there. Congratulations on your pregnancy and im really sorry for your tough journey and losses along the way.

    I had a miscarriage then a live birth then 4 more miscarriages and then finally another live birth with my son in August last year. To maintain that pregnancy i was seeing Dr Matthias and was on an immune protocol. He was born at 34 weeks in a super quick intense and unexpected labour and was a sick little boy and spent 4 weeks in hospital. I honestly feel like i still can't believe he is here.

    Anyway that's just background to say I already have anxiety and depression but through this last pregnancy it was through the roof. I was scanned every week for 15 weeks and then had fortnightly appointments for either scan or doppler. As luck would have it i had an anterior placenta so felt very little movement to give me peace of mind. At each appointment i was almost at the point of being physically sick with anxiety.

    I can't imagine how you are feeling after losing your little boy, i found it hard enough after the miscarriages.

    How did i get through it?
    Lots of extra monitoring as mentioned above.
    I saw a counsellor specialising in fertility matters and recurrent loss weekly.
    Im not really recommending this but i really shut myself off from the pregnancy. Didn't talk about it much, didn't buy things etc It was really a means to an end (hopefully) not a journey to be enjoyed, but something to survive.
    I focused on milestones- 2nd tri, NIPT testing, 20 week scan, viability etc.
    Did things to try to relax me - a walk, a bath etc. This sounds a bit weird but my friend gave me some fertility crystals and i used to hold them in my hand before appointments. It was strangely calming.

    Oddly when the pregnancy ended abruptly and early i felt sad that it was over before i had let myself enjoy it etc. Wished i had embraced the journey etc. All such complicated feelings.

    I really feel for you and hope you find a way of making it easier for you. And best wishes for the safe arrival of your little boy x

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  17. #9
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    Ally, I am so happy to see you back here and to read your happy news. Thinking of you xx

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  19. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Michy1980 View Post
    Hi there. Congratulations on your pregnancy and im really sorry for your tough journey and losses along the way.

    I had a miscarriage then a live birth then 4 more miscarriages and then finally another live birth with my son in August last year. To maintain that pregnancy i was seeing Dr Matthias and was on an immune protocol. He was born at 34 weeks in a super quick intense and unexpected labour and was a sick little boy and spent 4 weeks in hospital. I honestly feel like i still can't believe he is here.

    Anyway that's just background to say I already have anxiety and depression but through this last pregnancy it was through the roof. I was scanned every week for 15 weeks and then had fortnightly appointments for either scan or doppler. As luck would have it i had an anterior placenta so felt very little movement to give me peace of mind. At each appointment i was almost at the point of being physically sick with anxiety.

    I can't imagine how you are feeling after losing your little boy, i found it hard enough after the miscarriages.

    How did i get through it?
    Lots of extra monitoring as mentioned above.
    I saw a counsellor specialising in fertility matters and recurrent loss weekly.
    Im not really recommending this but i really shut myself off from the pregnancy. Didn't talk about it much, didn't buy things etc It was really a means to an end (hopefully) not a journey to be enjoyed, but something to survive.
    I focused on milestones- 2nd tri, NIPT testing, 20 week scan, viability etc.
    Did things to try to relax me - a walk, a bath etc. This sounds a bit weird but my friend gave me some fertility crystals and i used to hold them in my hand before appointments. It was strangely calming.

    Oddly when the pregnancy ended abruptly and early i felt sad that it was over before i had let myself enjoy it etc. Wished i had embraced the journey etc. All such complicated feelings.

    I really feel for you and hope you find a way of making it easier for you. And best wishes for the safe arrival of your little boy x
    Thank you for sharing.

    I’m the same before appointments. Either crying or in the edge of crying while a wait.

    Today it’s been mounting all day. I finished work just straight into a shower and in to bed. I feel like my body is tight and vibrating.

    Sometimes I wish I had a partner to pat me but most of the time I’m so glad to not have anyone else to ‘manage’.

    I have almost nothing left energy wise outside if myself and this baby.

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