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  1. #1
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    Default What do donors look for?

    Hi All, my partner and I are just starting the search for an egg donor. I was diagnosed with premature menopause in 2018 and we are just now ready to find a donor. It’s been challenging to wrap our heads around the idea and figure out how we want to approach it.
    I joined another forum and tried posting my ad, however admin keep pulling it down because we don’t share the same views that they believe donors are looking for.
    We are very private people, we are happy to share our story and answer any questions but would prefer to do this via private chat and although we we are open to meeting the donor, we feel at this stage that we would prefer minimal contact after and leave it up to the child if they want contact or not. They would be supported in their decision.
    My question is, do donors prefer to have contact? Or are there people that don’t mind either way and happy to leave it up to the recipient/child? What are donors looking for when they choose a recipient? Any advise would be greatly appreciated.
    Thank you

  2. #2
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    I’m not sure I’m the best person to answer, as I donated to my sister so it was known donation. I understand preferring not to share your story publicly, but there are so many people requiring eggs and only a few donors. Egg donors can easily take their pick from ads without having to send private messages and seek out the story. You pretty much need to grab them their attention straight off the bat.

    If I was a donating to people I didn’t know (and this is just how I feel so feel free to disregard), I would need assurances the child would not be lied to about their conception. I guess that comes down to how much I trust the recipients to be honest.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mod-Wise Enough View Post
    I’m not sure I’m the best person to answer, as I donated to my sister so it was known donation. I understand preferring not to share your story publicly, but there are so many people requiring eggs and only a few donors. Egg donors can easily take their pick from ads without having to send private messages and seek out the story. You pretty much need to grab them their attention straight off the bat.

    If I was a donating to people I didn’t know (and this is just how I feel so feel free to disregard), I would need assurances the child would not be lied to about their conception. I guess that comes down to how much I trust the recipients to be honest.
    Thank you for your response. I absolutely agree that we need to get a donors attention. I just thought I could do that with maintaining some sort if privacy. As in, not sharing photos or specific details about who we are other than what we are like.
    Definitely will not disregard as we feel very strongly about ensuring any child knows how they were conceived. We would just like to leave it up to them if they want contact or not. Maybe I need to make this more clear.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Saw80 View Post
    Thank you for your response. I absolutely agree that we need to get a donors attention. I just thought I could do that with maintaining some sort if privacy. As in, not sharing photos or specific details about who we are other than what we are like.
    Definitely will not disregard as we feel very strongly about ensuring any child knows how they were conceived. We would just like to leave it up to them if they want contact or not. Maybe I need to make this more clear.
    Just a thought here.. but if you were chosen by an egg donor and if you did fall pregnant and have a child, it would be very hard to ask a child to keep that privacy once they are old enough. Children are open books and parents are better off not asking the child to keep secrets as it’s likely to backfire. This mentality would start now to be honest. Being OK with talking about this with your closest friends and family and your child blurting it out at school are all part and parcel of being a donor family. So I think it sounds like you and your partner may need to do a bit more processing about how comfortable you are with the whole process. Unless you go with an anonymous donor somewhere like Greece ( lots of threads here on that ) then Aussie donor children and donors are much more open. This is all to protect the child and I totally agree with it. Imagine finding out at 18 that you were a donor child? That would lead to all sorts of mental health issues.
    I don’t have my own experience here but a friend of mines kids were conceived with a sperm donor in Sydney. From the get go they’ve been very open with the kids and they even made a little book for them to understand how and why it all came about. The donors also written to them ( albeit anonymously).
    I’m sorry if I’m being blunt but the rights of the child are key here and that starts from the beginning. If I was donating essentially half of a biological child I’d want to see photos and know every nook and cranny of the recipients life to feel secure. Especially if all the other people in the space were doing the same. People are busy and sending PM’s to get the basics is exhausting tbh. Maybe Greece is more for you?
    Best of luck.

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    Quote Originally Posted by amiracle4me View Post
    Just a thought here.. but if you were chosen by an egg donor and if you did fall pregnant and have a child, it would be very hard to ask a child to keep that privacy once they are old enough. Children are open books and parents are better off not asking the child to keep secrets as it’s likely to backfire. This mentality would start now to be honest. Being OK with talking about this with your closest friends and family and your child blurting it out at school are all part and parcel of being a donor family. So I think it sounds like you and your partner may need to do a bit more processing about how comfortable you are with the whole process. Unless you go with an anonymous donor somewhere like Greece ( lots of threads here on that ) then Aussie donor children and donors are much more open. This is all to protect the child and I totally agree with it. Imagine finding out at 18 that you were a donor child? That would lead to all sorts of mental health issues.
    I don’t have my own experience here but a friend of mines kids were conceived with a sperm donor in Sydney. From the get go they’ve been very open with the kids and they even made a little book for them to understand how and why it all came about. The donors also written to them ( albeit anonymously).
    I’m sorry if I’m being blunt but the rights of the child are key here and that starts from the beginning. If I was donating essentially half of a biological child I’d want to see photos and know every nook and cranny of the recipients life to feel secure. Especially if all the other people in the space were doing the same. People are busy and sending PM’s to get the basics is exhausting tbh. Maybe Greece is more for you?
    Best of luck.
    Thank you fir your thoughts. I’m obviously not making myself very clear and need to work on this. We have been open about our journey with close family and friends and any child we have will be aware of their conception. They definitely will not be asked to keep secrets. My question was about how much involvement a donor is wanting as we would prefer limited contact following the donation. It is not about keeping secrets, it is a choice we have made to allow the child to decide if they want contact or not.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saw80 View Post
    Thank you fir your thoughts. I’m obviously not making myself very clear and need to work on this. We have been open about our journey with close family and friends and any child we have will be aware of their conception. They definitely will not be asked to keep secrets. My question was about how much involvement a donor is wanting as we would prefer limited contact following the donation. It is not about keeping secrets, it is a choice we have made to allow the child to decide if they want contact or not.
    That’s all makes sense. It’s hard to know from this end tho what’s putting people off. My suggestion would be to have a good look at other ads and give just as much information in your ad to any prospective donor. Whether you guys agree to have child led interaction or not they’ll still be ultimately knowing who you are so that donation can be facilitated.

    Any reason why you wouldn’t use an anonymous donor in Greece? I hear that it’s not that much more expensive and the clinic does it all for you which side steps this process for you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by amiracle4me View Post
    That’s all makes sense. It’s hard to know from this end tho what’s putting people off. My suggestion would be to have a good look at other ads and give just as much information in your ad to any prospective donor. Whether you guys agree to have child led interaction or not they’ll still be ultimately knowing who you are so that donation can be facilitated.

    Any reason why you wouldn’t use an anonymous donor in Greece? I hear that it’s not that much more expensive and the clinic does it all for you which side steps this process for you.
    I will definitely add more information into the ad about who we are. Hopefully be a bit clearer about what we are looking for as well. We haven’t considered overseas. I haven’t read a lot about it to be honest. We are on the wait list at our clinic and have been told we are now 2nd on that list, so hoping they can find us a donor if we can’t find someone that shares/respects our wishes.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Saw80 View Post
    I will definitely add more information into the ad about who we are. Hopefully be a bit clearer about what we are looking for as well. We haven’t considered overseas. I haven’t read a lot about it to be honest. We are on the wait list at our clinic and have been told we are now 2nd on that list, so hoping they can find us a donor if we can’t find someone that shares/respects our wishes.
    That’s great news about being number 2. Fingers crossed.

    I think Greece has a huge pool of women happy to be anonymous donors and the clinics don’t charge much more than a fresh cycle here. All the extra costs are travel and hotels etc. There’s a well respected British nurse I think who acts as a go between Aussie ladies and the Greek clinics. I don’t have personal experience but from reading the posts the ladies on here have had a lot of luck there.

    Here’s the latest thread. I’m sure having a read and maybe asking some questions may help you to keep it in your back pocket as an option.

    Egg Donation Greece #20
    https://www.bubhub.com.au/community/...d.php?t=572828

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saw80 View Post
    I will definitely add more information into the ad about who we are. Hopefully be a bit clearer about what we are looking for as well. We haven’t considered overseas. I haven’t read a lot about it to be honest. We are on the wait list at our clinic and have been told we are now 2nd on that list, so hoping they can find us a donor if we can’t find someone that shares/respects our wishes.
    @Saw80 it's great that you're second on your clinic's waiting list. From what I know those lists are brutal, so making it to the top is really great.

    I'm sure that there are different types of local donors, and that women who want to donate and are on the same page as you are out there. I dipped my toes in Aus forums designed to bring recipients and donors together before deciding to go overseas, and have to say that I was horrified. I didn't want to plaster myself, my family's story and photos over the internet in order to "be chosen" by a donor. Frankly some of them seemed to be power tripping on other people's desperation.

    Hopefully your clinic will come through with a potential donor soon. If for whatever reason you do decide to look into overseas donation, know that there are different approaches in different countries, and that in some places you can ask for a donor who is open to being contacted in future by any children you may have through donation, if that is what you are looking for.

    All the very best x

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kalina View Post
    @Saw80 it's great that you're second on your clinic's waiting list. From what I know those lists are brutal, so making it to the top is really great.

    I'm sure that there are different types of local donors, and that women who want to donate and are on the same page as you are out there. I dipped my toes in Aus forums designed to bring recipients and donors together before deciding to go overseas, and have to say that I was horrified. I didn't want to plaster myself, my family's story and photos over the internet in order to "be chosen" by a donor. Frankly some of them seemed to be power tripping on other people's desperation.

    Hopefully your clinic will come through with a potential donor soon. If for whatever reason you do decide to look into overseas donation, know that there are different approaches in different countries, and that in some places you can ask for a donor who is open to being contacted in future by any children you may have through donation, if that is what you are looking for.

    All the very best x
    Thank you so much, it’s so nice to hear that other people have the same thoughts as I do. I was starting to give up hope that these forums would be any help to me and that I was the only one that thought some anonymity was reasonable. I think a donation, although the most amazing gift and we will be forever grateful, should come with no strings attached. Any person that is asking for assistance, in my opinion, is going to be a great parent for their child. I don’t imagine people would go through this process if they didn’t truly want to be a parent and with so much screening at clinics I think recipients are worth the donation regardless of wether they want to have contact or not. I was beginning to question why people donate.
    Thank you!

  11. The Following User Says Thank You to Saw80 For This Useful Post:

    Kalina (19-05-2020)


 

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