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  1. #1
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    Default MIL bad mouthing me to my son. Do I believe him?

    Would you stand up to your mil if she has been bad mouthing you to your 5 year old? Would you believe your child? She told my son ‘Mum is upsetting everyone in the house and she’s mean to Dad’. My son said to me ‘you’re not doing that Mum and Grandma shouldn’t have said that’. Mil has been emotionally abusive to me for 18 months now and of course when no one else is around. My partner doesn’t stick up for me and she’s criticised my kids and my parenting to my Mum. I barely talk to her now (she looks after the kids when I work) so I think the only thing she has left is to turn my kids against me. I get angry when I think of her getting away with bad mouthing me to my kids but I also know from the past that it doesn’t matter if I stick up for myself she will just turn everything back into me. Do I just walk away and leave it? I’m leaving my partner anyway, as I can’t stand living with 2 people against me anymore. I feel like I’ll have a breakdown if I stay too much longer. Thanks.

  2. #2
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    Directly confronting her wouldn't make a difference, but you could slide into a conversation something like "you need to be mindful of what you say around my children". She will know what you're talking about and may even accidentally admit it.

    I hope you're working on leaving your partner. When you do, you need to put two things in the parenting agreement that will directly impact her, and hold your (ex) partner accountable;
    Parental alienation- this is exactly what she is doing by saying these things to your son. You would have something worded to the effect of no one being able to talk negatively about you or your (ex) partner in front of or to the children.
    First right of refusal - if you or your (ex) partner aren't able to care for your children during your allocated time, the other parent has to be given the option to care for them. This means your MIL won't be able to babysit unless you approve it.

  3. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to atomicmama For This Useful Post:

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  4. #3
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    @atomicmama has got some great points. I agree that confronting her isn't likely to achieve anything other than conflict, which won't solve anything, so you'd be best to save your breath, time and energy.

    I'm sorry you're feeling so unsupported. I hope you can reach out to friends, family or support services to help you through this

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    Have you got someone else to look after your children when your working? I would be getting them as far away from her as possible, she sounds like poison.

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    I'd send my kid with a recording device to her house, so then at least you have PROOF of what she is saying and you know what she is saying.
    You can buy memory sticks online that record for 8 hours.

  7. #6
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    You know your son best and it sounds like she would from what she has said to others.
    You need to decide what this is to you. Your leaving your partner for this (I did the same) so how do you think she will react to that? You need to look after your emotional well being and your kids. I am a big believer in NEVER talking trash to children about family (unless its a safety thing) or actually anyone for that matter. Kids don't need that conflict and feeling like they need to take sides. If you leave too it will be stressful for you and the children so you don't need anymore stress in yours or their lives. I would confront her - calmly - but that is just me. And I would try and source alternative care. But this is totally your choice. Good Luck

  8. #7
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    Thanks for your responses. It’s such a mess. Mum talked to my partner saying that it’s not a good way to live like this, especially when you have kids listening. When Mum was leaving she offered to talk to me for him 😬He just said to my Mum that ‘she’ll do whatever she wants at the expense of everyone in the house f....g up everyone’s lives’. I’m furious but there’s no point in saying anything to him, as his Mum has brain washed him. E.g I say no to her helping with something but she’ll go behind my back and organise it with my partner and then say I’m ungrateful 😡. Ahh what a mess. I don’t know how my life got like this. Normally people like me 🤷‍♀️ Anyway, you guys are keeping me sane with your responses. I feel like I need to hear that I’m not being petty about all this!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Okmum View Post
    I am a big believer in NEVER talking trash to children about family (unless its a safety thing) or actually anyone for that matter. Kids don't need that conflict and feeling like they need to take sides.
    This. I know it's not you doing it... but this is so true.

    We cut my MIL off about 8 years ago. My eldest has asked about "dads mum" and where she is, why we don't see her because we see mine lots.... and as much as I'd like to tell him exactly what she's done, I just say she lives a long way away , we don't know where, and maybe one day we will find her again. (But I'd be happy not to )

    Hopefully, by the time she meets him - if she does, he's old enough to see through her bs, and will know her mind games etc aren't normal... and can make up his own mind. However the last contact we had with her she sent a photoshopped photo of a growth on the sides of her face saying she was dying and wanted 70k ...
    Last edited by shadowangel0205; 21-01-2020 at 22:05.

  10. #9
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    Good on you for having the guts to cut off contact. My partner would never agree to not see his Mum or for the kids to not spend time with her. Yes, I agree with not saying bad things about family around kids.

  11. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Happymummy5 View Post
    Good on you for having the guts to cut off contact. My partner would never agree to not see his Mum or for the kids to not spend time with her. Yes, I agree with not saying bad things about family around kids.
    We endured her drama for about 5 years, and I just couldn't do it anymore. Dr was seeing a psych who helped him see the relationship was toxic. But I waited unto he was ready to make the call. I'd cut get off temporarily a few times before we had children.
    Our eldest is almost 9, she lived 1hr away and saw him once at 4months old, so he luckily doesn't remember it.

    It would've been so much harder had he been older and built up a relationship


 

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