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  1. #1
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    Default Help - not sure where to turn

    Firstly, I apologise if this is not the right place to post, but I am in serious need to vent and for some advice....

    I have been with my husband for nearly 12 years. We were young when we met and I had to babies from my only other previous 'relationship'. Due to my life and the things I have had to go through, I was forced to mature a lot earlier than my husband did. He was somewhat 'babied' by his family and it showed as he was quite immature. Over the years he stepped up to try and be a good father figure for my children, taking them on as his own, as their biological father has nothing to do with them. However, my husband has quite a short temper and can become quite mean and vicious easily towards me. I have learned not to tell him certain things as they seem to trigger his anger and whilst the physical hitting and threats of hitting have stopped, his words and disgusting name calling is still very much present. He is arrogant, racist towards me, but hates when his mother makes racist comments to me, he blames me for being sexually abused as a child and teen, he rarely pays any attention to me, but rather sits on the iPad and FB for hours on end. When he is mean and hurtful, if I cry he constantly asks why I'm crying and says I am crazy. If I stand up for myself, he tells me he is scared of me...
    My family were abusive to me, so I have cut ties with them, but he is all I have left and I don't really know where to turn.
    Ever since meeting him, I have been under so much stress I have actually developed chronic illnesses, depression and anxiety.

    Any advice or insight would be so very much appreciated.

  2. #2
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    I’m so sorry you’re going through this He’s being abusive towards you and is affecting your mental health.

    If you want to end things, and your finances are tied up, make sure you seek financial advice (without telling him) to get everything in order. If you want to reach out for support, there are lots of services to help. Off the top of my head, Relationships Australia and Beyond Blue.

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    rebelangel (17-12-2019)

  4. #3
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    This is so sad to read.
    If you don’t have any friends to reach out to please seek help from someone you can trust like your doctor or by calling a helpline etc.

    You don’t deserve this. This isn’t normal behaviour. There are no excuses for abuse.

    Someone will help you and your children but you have to ask. I hope you can be brave enough so you can have a happy life with your children.

    Hoping for the best for you xx

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    rebelangel (17-12-2019)

  6. #4
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    A good starting point would be to phone 1800 RESPECT and ask them to recommend services in your area that can provide help.

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    rebelangel (17-12-2019)

  8. #5
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    I second what the previous poster stated - they can direct you towards local centres that deal with the various aspects of your situation free if charge. They won't make you do anything you're not ready or unwilling to do.

    Unfortunately, having worked with abusive men for much of my career, I'm sad to say only a minority truly change - sometimes the physical violence stops but the verbal, financial and emotional abuse often continues. If you were wanting to continue, you could suggest a men's behaviour change program but he needs to be willing to attend.

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    rebelangel (17-12-2019)

  10. #6
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    I honestly cannot thank you all enough for replying; I didn't think anyone would care enough to reply, so with all my heart, thank you xx
    I am so scared to reach out to anyone 'officially' for help. I know that might sound stupid but I am afraid of everything becoming worse and I don't think I am strong enough to do this on my own.

    The emotional and verbal abuse is definitely the worst of it, now. Financially I am defendant on him while I finish my degree.
    I would love nothing more than to move far away from this whole problem and start fresh with my children, but I don't have the means at all.

    Thank you for all of the agencies and advice. I will keep that information safe and hope I am brave enough to reach out one day. I appreciate you all.

  11. #7
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    Centrelink can help with the financial side of things. I would suggest giving them a call to find out what you would be entitled to if you were to leave. It's not clear in your original post but do you have children with him as well as a previous relationship? If you have children with him, it would also be worthwhile contacting child support for an estimation. Once you know how much money you would get, you may find that you can afford to leave sooner even while studying.


    Reaching out, even on here, is a big step. If you are feeling overwhelmed with your situation you could phone 1800 RESPECT for a chat. They can give you names of local services who you can contact when you feel you are ready to. You don't need to pack up a leave straight away. Sometimes just talking can help sort through your emotions. There are a lot of services available to help you get out the door and I am sure you will contact them when you are ready. Don't feel like a failure if you don't act straight away. It takes on average 7 attempts to leave an abuse situation.

    In the meantime there are steps you can take that will help when you do leave. For example you could keep a journal of what is going on. For safety reasons, I would recommend cranking up a hotmail / gmail / other free email account on a computer in a public library and visiting the library regularly and emailing yourself updates. This may provide valuable evidence down the track. I would strongly suggest not using your phone or home computer because he may go through your browser history. I'd had people tell that to me over and over again, and thought to myself that my (now ex husband) would never do that - until he did. Things got very nasty very quickly when he knew the relationship was over, so I would suggest being careful, no matter how over the top it may seem to you right now.
    Last edited by SSecret Squirrel; 16-12-2019 at 14:37.

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    rebelangel (17-12-2019)

  13. #8
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    He is blaming you for the sexual abuse you suffered in childhood? I would be completely heartbroken. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine.

    I know it seems scary to be out on your own, however in those moments of fear, you must remind yourself how being around him makes you feel.

    You need to do the following:

    -Realise that this is not your fault in any way. Abusive people pick up on weaknesses and the lack of family support that their partner has, and use it to their advantage. You are a victim here, and do not deserve any of the above.

    -Go to centrelink and speak to their counsellors to gain some advice. You will need advice on how to separate your finances, what payments you would be eligible for when you separate, how to keep him out of your centrelink account and more. They can also help you with social services, not just financial.

    - https://askizzy.org.au/
    Type in your postcode to see what help is immediately available to you. Do not be afraid of using the services. The one thing about abuse is that makes the victim feel like they are not deserving of anything better than what they've been given.

    - Every time you hop online, delete your history. I also second SS's idea about keeping a log of all events.

    -Stay here on bub hub!

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    rebelangel (17-12-2019)

  15. #9
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    I honestly don't know what to say except for how grateful I am for the support from all of you.
    I will of course stay here. I have also made a secret email account. I have started to change my passwords just to keep things private. He doesn't tend to touch my phone unless he thinks I'm calling the police, which is when he will take it off me, or if I use my phone at night when he is sleeping - he thinks I'm cheating on him. So I try not to touch my phone at night. But he isn't very tech savvy and can barely log into his own FB let alone my emails, etc.

    I do worry that my children will hate me for leaving him, he is the only 'father' they have known and I work tirelessly to ensure they don't see the hurt and abuse I experience... what if they think I've made it all up? They are my world and the reason I wake up each day, it would shatter my heart if they were angry with me for leaving my husband. I suppose I just have to pick my battles


 

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