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  1. #1
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    Default Are you the ‘new wife’ and TTC?

    Hi all

    So, I’ve been with my partner for 2 years now and the last 12 months have been the hardest I’ve ever gone through in my whole life.

    He was separated for 5 years when I first met him (divorced now) and thought I was getting into a relationship with a man that had not too much baggage.

    Oh how wrong I was. Turns out his ex wife has developed a drug addiction since they split and has severe mental and emotional issues due to this. Throw in the fact that she hasn’t moved on from the marriage and we have a recipe for conflict.

    My partner has a 10 year old son with her and he is just the best kid out. Considering the revolving door of men that go through his mother’s house and the middle of the night message and phone call obsessions to me and my partner, he is so emotionally stable. It’s so hard to believe that he remains the sweet, stable, happy boy through all of this.

    Long story short, she constantly messages me (got my phone number out of her son’s phone) abusing me with things like ‘home wrecker’, etc. She even spent the good part of the year telling me that my partner was still sleeping with her and that I was just the ‘cover’ for his friends and family. Apparently I was just there because his friends and family hated her and he didn’t want to upset them

    Things are beginning to die down. My partner has gone full no contact with her (advice from a friend of ours that is a psychologist who suspects she suffers from narcissistic behavioural issues) and it seems to have worked in reducing the amount of abuse we receive. He has to keep one line of communication open which is email. That seems to reduce his emotional reaction to her baiting him to which is a positive.

    Well, now we have decided we want to add to our family with a baby of our own. My first child so I’m very excited but terrified at what lengths she will go to to sabotage our happy life. She’s not opposed to breaking in to our house, messaging my friends on social media and following me and my partner to our respective work places.

    Any one else have similar issues? I’d love to find others with similar stories xx

  2. #2
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    Hi JanieH,

    So sorry to hear your story. I am a divorcee and have a blended family and yes it can be seriously tough. I have two children and my new partner has three children. We don't plan on having any together at this stage as there is so much drama at the moment with ex's and our blended family. My advice is to just live your life with your partner and try to disconnect from the drama that she creates. Don't respond to her messages (that's not your job). Focus on your partner and his son and the child that you want to bring into the world.

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    JanieH (19-11-2019)

  4. #3
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    Thanks so much.

    It has gotten so much better but I can’t help feeling a little nervous about the future lol

    It’s a headache with exes sometimes, that emotional roller coaster of those that may not have moved on/grown up enough to be civil for the kids involved. I hope your situation isn’t too dramatic and that your family is blending well xx

  5. #4
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    no advice but i hope things work out. it’s scary how crazy some people can be. is there any way your hubby can apply for sole custody of the son? she doesn’t sound very stable or like a good mum.

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    JanieH (19-11-2019)

  7. #5
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    What sticks out for me in your post is that you don't want his ex to "sabotage our happy life" and also describe the last 12 months, so half of your entire relationship with this man, as the hardest of your life. Where's the happy life bit, is it the present or how you imagine your life with him to be?

    Why did he remain married to her for years after the separation if she's whacko? Did he have other relationships after the marriage broke down or are you the first? Are you sure he's telling you the unvarnished truth?

    Unless something dramatic happens to change the situation this woman will be in your life permanently in one way or another. My DH has an ex-wife and older kids, so do a few of my friends' partners. The only way it works without tremendous stress is if the ex is also in a new relationship or single by choice.

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    babybeeno1 (19-11-2019),babyno1onboard (19-11-2019),JanieH (19-11-2019)

  9. #6
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    Oh yes, it has been a total strain but it’s so much better now... He was always worried what she would do regarding his son (disappear, etc) if he didn’t keep the peace with her.

    He’s kinda been the type to just not deal with difficult things and instead bury his head in the sand. He’s dated other women since but she has always stalked and sabotaged the relationships early so he kind of gave up for a while.

    I had to do a lot of soul searching when she started the harassment as to whether the trust was there with him. I had waivering moments but as we’ve continued on, there’s been more and more women that have come forward in regards to her. She has had a child to another man since separating from my partner and since separated from him too. She stalks, harasses and falsely accuses him to them also.

    Her family has now made contact with my partner and expressed their support in his son coming to live with us full time due to her ongoing drug abuse and emotional and mental instability. We are making progress but whenever the custody of a child is involved, it’s such a long and drawn out process to ensure one parent isn’t being set up and treated unfairly.

    One foot in front of the other and every day is better than the last. Our future is looking much brighter now ❤️

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    turquoisecoast (19-11-2019)

  11. #7
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    I hate being in a situation with new partners and exes and kids involved, I’ve done it twice before. Now I’ve had two with my now husband I don’t want that again, even though things aren’t perfect, I love being a family and rather stay then have to mix our family up and go through al those draining situations. I also had a previous relationship and he had three kids with an ex and that was incredibly difficult for me as the same kind of things were going on. My eldest sons dad was a complete nightmare with co parenting aswell.

    I feel like it’s hard to really know what went on with your partner and ex something is missing and so I don’t want to judge as it sounds like she’s had a tough time and that was her husband after all. Men aren’t always honest when entering a new relationship either, they often dramatise everything and make the ex look bad. If her son appears happy and stable then maybe she has been a good mum but it’s sad that she’s now turned to drugs so I feel
    Kinda sorry for her. Marriage is meant to be a lifetime thing as long as you married for the right reasons then to just walk away, I always feel
    Bad for the person that’s been dumped, to make a commitment and then to be divorced maybe was really hard on her and why wouldn’t it be.

    Wish you all the best and hopefully you both can have a good long life together as a family and not have the same thing repeat itself as it is definitely an exhausting road and expect that you will
    Have to put up with her and vice vera for years to come. I guess it’s just modern day families and is the norm now.

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    JanieH (20-11-2019)

  13. #8
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    Very true. Unfortunately the drug issue is the reason they split in the first place. She was unfaithful and spent a good portion of their savings on the habit.

    Fingers crossed it keeps getting better and better.

  14. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by MuMtORiLeYandLeO View Post
    I hate being in a situation with new partners and exes and kids involved, I’ve done it twice before. Now I’ve had two with my now husband I don’t want that again, even though things aren’t perfect, I love being a family and rather stay then have to mix our family up and go through al those draining situations. I also had a previous relationship and he had three kids with an ex and that was incredibly difficult for me as the same kind of things were going on. My eldest sons dad was a complete nightmare with co parenting aswell.

    I feel like it’s hard to really know what went on with your partner and ex something is missing and so I don’t want to judge as it sounds like she’s had a tough time and that was her husband after all. Men aren’t always honest when entering a new relationship either, they often dramatise everything and make the ex look bad. If her son appears happy and stable then maybe she has been a good mum but it’s sad that she’s now turned to drugs so I feel
    Kinda sorry for her. Marriage is meant to be a lifetime thing as long as you married for the right reasons then to just walk away, I always feel
    Bad for the person that’s been dumped, to make a commitment and then to be divorced maybe was really hard on her and why wouldn’t it be.

    Wish you all the best and hopefully you both can have a good long life together as a family and not have the same thing repeat itself as it is definitely an exhausting road and expect that you will
    Have to put up with her and vice vera for years to come. I guess it’s just modern day families and is the norm now.
    I’ve been the divorced one and the ex having a new family with his new woman was hard for me. I had also moved on and having another child with my new partner but it still stirred up emotions.

    None of that excuses that type of behaviour explained though.
    Some kids are just born lovely and helpful and not phased by things. This is definitely genetic. I’ve heard lots of stories about kids taking care of their parents because even as kids they are more responsible etc.
    That type of behaviour isn’t fair on the boy. I hope he is able to spend more time in a stable environment with you soon.

    Wishing you luck with it all. Hopefully she will get bored of it soon. It’s a shame when people can’t live their own life and have to make trouble for others trying to move on.

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    JanieH (20-11-2019)

  16. #10
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    It can definitely stir up emotions when someone who has been in your life as your partner moves on, regardless of your situation. That is totally normal and part of the process I guess. I have just never come across a situation in which those emotions then completely take over our rational thought process. I’m sure you didn’t spend 12 months stalking, harassing, calling in the middle of the night and showing up at the new woman’s house claiming that her husband still loved you though lol

    Unfortunately she seems to do this to all of her exes new girlfriends and even, in one case, to her boyfriend’s ex wife.

    It definitely comes from a place of insecurity and low self esteem which is sad. The drug abuse is clearly a side effect of not being able to process her emotions in a constructive way.

    I flip flop from feeing sorry for her to being frustrated and angry that she hasn’t identified she needs more help on these fronts.

    Here’s hoping she does.

  17. The Following User Says Thank You to JanieH For This Useful Post:

    MuMtORiLeYandLeO (20-11-2019)


 

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