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  1. #31
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    As with everything I guess our own life experiences colour reactions to this post. I get that there is a lot of stigma attached to mental health for men, but at the same time I feel that some of them get away with adopting the status of grown children at home because all that's expected of them is to work and bring in money. I say "all" because I come from the angle of a working mum - in practice for many working mums this means they are just as responsible for the income, mortgage etc, but are also the the ones doing the lion's share of parenting and most of the house and family-related work too. I have a high pressure job, but the hardest day at work doesn't compare to sleepless nights, carrying the whole family etc.

    I have a man-child at home as well who parents when he feels up to it, requires uninterrupted sleep every night just to function and lets his mood dictate his level of involvement in family life. I struggle to feel sympathetic even though I know he has depression - because he doesn't do anything to change, so the OP sounds familiar even though I don't have the added challenge of twins. My hat's off to you OP, I think you're amazing for holding it all together.

    Maybe it sounds harsh but I just feel for the OP who by the sounds of it doesn't have the luxury of going to the loo uninterrupted, let alone sleeping, eating or turning her mind to anything other than survival.

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  3. #32
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    I let my d/h have uninterrupted sleep as much as possible when we had our twins, he has an extremely physical job as well as demanding job, for us to make it work he needed his sleep, but when he got home, it was all hands on board for him as soon as he walked in the door and not one complaint, he just got stuck in and helped, even if all I had managed to do all day was hang the washing out, he never once asked what I’d done etc, he could have quite easily, but he chose to be a productive and supportive partner as we were both the parents, not sure if that would have been as easy for that to happen though if we didn’t have the sleep “agreement”.

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  5. #33
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    I know depression is very real, it's scientific and not "just in the head". Went through it myself for a year in my twenties. But if he is going through depression, it is still unfair to call you over dramatic. And he should learn to listen too when you are off loading. We shouldn't call it whinging, it's such a nasty word. When I was in my first trimester i tell my husband how my nausea and vomiting is affecting me and the tiredness is just too much. He told me I'm whinging a lot, i explained to him he is my partner and i just want him to listen sometimes when I am off loading because there is no one else i should be sharing the experience and suffering with but him.

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  7. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by ladydaisy View Post
    So Ive seen this post pop up a few times and have been holding off saying anything but I just need to..
    I think it's really important to not be so quick to judge someone as lazy/selfish/jerk/a*se. We never truly know what another person is going through no matter how close we are to them or how long we have known them for. There is a massive stigma associated with men and mental health, that's why it's so difficult for them to open up about it and seek the help they need. I've lost friends because of the pressure of similar circumstances & unfortunately they are no longer here to be fathers & watch their children grow up.
    I also watched my own father struggle with the pressure of providing for the whole house financially, coming home from work exhausted everynight, helping with housework/my siblings etc and still he was judged like it wasn't enough, he was labelled lazy, jerk etc. & all this led to fights, big blow ups and eventually separation. (this is my experience, I didn't have the best mum growing up & my dad was my support & main care giver)
    Often people get so lost in blaming others and caught up in our own struggles we forget to just be kind & understanding.
    I'm not making excuses for your partner and I'm not taking away from the hard work and pressure you also feel as a mum. I can only imagine how hard it would be. There's obviously some hard stuff for both of you to sort thru, 2 newborn twins would be a massive change in any household dynamics! I guess I'm just trying to say communicate, be patient with each other, try to understand where each other are coming from and make sure you don't lose your friendship most importantly!
    I hope everything gets better for every one involved. might take a while but it'll be worth it. just trying to offer a different perspective on the situation.
    I hear what you’re saying but I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have very open communication about our mental health and have been through a lot together for me to know when it’s too much effort for him and when he’s genuinely struggling. I understand that not all men are so open about talking about this kind of thing and don’t discount that it’s a key issue. But I think women need to be given just as much importance here and I’m a bit tired of us having to just get on with it and for decades housewives/stay at home moms have been stuck at home day in and day out raising children and keeping the house in order and trying to live up to everyone’s expectations and no one asks about their mental health or if they’re coping because it’s just expected that we’re keeping it together. My husband has zero work or financial pressures. He’s just a very chilled out person who likes very little effort and stress in his life and has an outlook that it should be easy and life isn’t fair that you have to work so hard and get no ‘reward’.

    Unfortunately I hear it far too often with friends who go through a similar thing. To be called controlling because you’re trying to maintain some sort of structure and order in the house to stay sane is not fair. And for my husband to get hours to himself every day and then have downtime to go surf or play sport while I am housebound because 2 out of my 3 kids are totally dependent on me at the moment, then complain it’s too hard and he doesn’t have the capacity to support me emotionally is just ridiculous. It’s a frame of mind issue in my opinion, a choice.

    I agree when it becomes a blame game then it’s never going to resolve but sometimes the pressure gets to us all. My husband and I often find ourselves resetting and we promise to focus only on what we are doing which we can control rather than the other person.

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  9. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kalina View Post
    As with everything I guess our own life experiences colour reactions to this post. I get that there is a lot of stigma attached to mental health for men, but at the same time I feel that some of them get away with adopting the status of grown children at home because all that's expected of them is to work and bring in money. I say "all" because I come from the angle of a working mum - in practice for many working mums this means they are just as responsible for the income, mortgage etc, but are also the the ones doing the lion's share of parenting and most of the house and family-related work too. I have a high pressure job, but the hardest day at work doesn't compare to sleepless nights, carrying the whole family etc.

    I have a man-child at home as well who parents when he feels up to it, requires uninterrupted sleep every night just to function and lets his mood dictate his level of involvement in family life. I struggle to feel sympathetic even though I know he has depression - because he doesn't do anything to change, so the OP sounds familiar even though I don't have the added challenge of twins. My hat's off to you OP, I think you're amazing for holding it all together.

    Maybe it sounds harsh but I just feel for the OP who by the sounds of it doesn't have the luxury of going to the loo uninterrupted, let alone sleeping, eating or turning her mind to anything other than survival.
    Thank you! Sounds like you really get it. And I have so many of my friends whose husband are the same. They have mother’s who have doted on them all their lives and once kids come along they almost fall into the role of being an extra kid. My husband has such unrealistic expectations of life, I feel like he will never be content and it’s just a way of thinking for him and not an issue of mental illness.

    Society has such low expectations of mens’ role in the home it’s like they get a pat on the back for stepping up and being present as fathers or for doing housework. Like we should be lucky they even change nappies or read the kids books cause it’s more than their fathers did. I went back to work full time when our first born was 14 months and it was mentally and physically draining. I still had to come home and be a mother and carry a huge mental load for the household. It needs to change, we need to start taking better care of ourselves and men need to start learning how to better prioritise and become more selfless.

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  11. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachel3072 View Post
    I have a different take on it. When I had my twin girls, my older kids were 2 and 3. I didnt say "poor husband was depressed" or "had anxiety" because the truth is my husband was an absolute jerk. Made it all about him and how hard life now was for him. I think too many men get away with just being plain old selfish and now use the mental health card as an excuse. So I spent a lot of the time chanting "calm blue ocean" in my head and reminding myself that "they are only small a short time" and "I can do this" I also remember spending a lot of time saying to myself "I choose to cope". What you say to yourself matters.

    I didnt have him get up at night at all. I put one in the rocker and one on my lap and fed them from bottles. I bought Austar (this is pre Netflix time) and watched shows at 3am while I was feeding them.
    The only thing I asked him to do was take them for walks because it's easier to cope with babies screaming if they are outside in the pram. Maybe your husband could take them for walks? Do you have a toddler seat for the 2.5 year old, because it really doesnt work unless they take ALL of them. Then for that hour, don't do housework or anything else, just sleep. If it is raining and cold, he can take them for a drive in the car. If he has slept all night he doesnt have the excuse of "Im tired".

    Goodluck and Godspeed. My twins are now 13, you'll get through this.
    If you're still struggling by 4 months, then go to your maternal child health nurse and they can organise emergency subsidised childcare so you can put all the kids in a daycare for a while to catch up on sleep. (This is a bit of a serious process though, involves talking to a GP, getting letters etc, it isnt just available on request)
    Thank you for your post! I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve said “I choose to cope” in the last 24hrs and it actually helps.

    OP no real advice just a huge virtual hug, my twins are almost 3 weeks old and I couldn’t imagine how it must feel not having DH full support.

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