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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by munchkin14 View Post
    @MrsVZ have you heard of this group - http://mbvs.org.au - it might be worth looking in to it for you to get some assistance at home. Are you also part of your local multiple birth group through amba? I absolutely loved mine & now have an awesome bestie from it.

    We can only blame so much on our childhood... once we reach adulthood we are responsible for our actions & we can change our habits.

    I hope he does pull up his big boy pants as @stacey10 said & help you!
    Yes I reached out to them but never heard back. But I am a member of my local AMBA club and they are so lovely and been a great support!

    I agree we can only blame so much on our childhood but I feel like it’s me that’s having to teach him to be an adult sometimes!

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by whiteroses View Post
    I really feel for you. I can relate to so much of what you are saying, but I don't have the added workload of twins. My DH is very similar. And I feel it's just laziness and not wanting things to be out of control or messy. He wants his unbr sleep and predictable 'him' time, etc etc.

    I agree with many of the pp that he should seek counselling or help for possible mental health challenges, or to give him some coping tools, bc this situation isn't going away any time soon so he needs to figure out how to live through it with a bit of joy and support for you, rather than acting as though every moment is a burden.

    But I also think some counselling for you would be great, if only as an outlet for you to vent and feel emotionally supported as you navigate the way through this. You are doing an amazing job. It's so hard to always be the one who has to step up for the kids bc you know you can t rely on your partner to do so. You need someone telling you, on a regular basis, what an awesome job you are doing and giving you the chance to complain and get it off your chest for a moment, so you can go back home to face it all feeling a bit buoyed.

    Take care of yourself and good luck. X
    Thank you! You’re very right, I feel like everyone else except my husband is telling me what a great job I’m doing as he’s more focused on how hard it is for him and how much he’s not enjoying it

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by stacey10 View Post
    I’m sorry to me he sounds like he’s just being an as*e, and can’t be bothered, he’s put it all in the too hard bin and that’s that, instead of him pulling up his big boy pants and getting on with helping and supporting you as best he can he has decided to do the opposite and do nothing, oh if we could all only take that route ! Oh it’s too hard so I’m going to switch off, ....... I don’t think so, it doesn’t work like that!, yes twins are hard work and a lot of the first year does land on the mums shoulder but you need to know that when he comes home from work he fully engages into family life and he sounds like he’s not doing that at all. I don’t know what the answer is to get him back to being engaged, but it sounds like when the chips are down he’s out, even with the older boy...... parenting is hard work, I’d be telling him in no uncertain turns to pull his big boy pants on and grow some balls and sort his **** out, totally not fair for him to land it all into you, probably get roasted for that but if your sure he’s not depressed he needs a damn good slapping !
    You’re so right! I have said all those things to him and told him if I can find a way to cope on my own with 3 kids then he can find a way to cope with just one of the 3 at a time.

  4. #24
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    People in tough situations need to be heard and acknowledged so I'd start with one small change - try not to delegitimise each others feelings - for example, 'you're being too dramatic! ' or 'you're just lazy!'. This has the tendency to breed resentment and contempt and ultimately, you are life partners and you both want to make it work.

    Going from one older child to three and infant twins no less is a big, overwhelming adjustment. You're at home dealing with 3 little people's competing needs 24/7, he's got to put his 'game face' on at work no matter how hectic things were at home the night before.

    When something life changing happens, we tend to resist at first - feelings of 'it's too much' and 'I want life back to how it was' or 'when are we ever going to have the time/money/energy to do anything for ourselves' are very normal. Eventually comes acceptance (for some, quicker than for others) - i.e. 'this is how it is, I have to make the best of it'.

    Open the lines of communication and agree not to be accusatory or dismissive - hear each other out. Both your feelings are valid - I'm sure he's stressing out about legitimite things that are messing with his capacity to cope and stay switched on. Try various suggestions until one clicks for both of you. Any step towards improvement is good, even if it's not a 360 degree change.

    I know pointing the finger in frustration and exhaustion is tempting but if both of you go down that route, it'll feel like a war. Baby steps. It's early days and as they say, it's always darkest before...they learn to sleep through the night ❤️

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  6. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrsVZ View Post
    Yes I reached out to them but never heard back. But I am a member of my local AMBA club and they are so lovely and been a great support!

    I agree we can only blame so much on our childhood but I feel like it’s me that’s having to teach him to be an adult sometimes!
    Oh that’s not very good. Do you want me to help you get in contact with them? I know someone who works for them.

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  8. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by munchkin14 View Post
    Oh that’s not very good. Do you want me to help you get in contact with them? I know someone who works for them.
    Thanks that’s very kind of you, they mention on their website that it’s for triplets or more and twins in ‘special circumstances’ so I assumed they have to allocate their resources to people in much more difficult situations than my own, which is why I never followed it up. At the moment I’m just paying a cleaner to come in fortnightly but it’s a huge expense. At the end of the day a clean house is really not the be all and end all so it’s more just to give me a little break while I’m in this newborn phase.

  9. #27
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    @Elevatormusic you make a very good point and I think it’s so easy to get lost in the blame game!

    Something clicked with my husband today and he suddenly stepped up. I think he had a moment of realisation yesterday that things are improving and he really needs to adapt now. He told me he doesn’t think he has the capacity to offer me the emotional support I need, so I told him I really really need that from him and it might help if he finds a support group or someone to chat to so that he can lessen his mental load to spare some of it for me. Sometimes things situation need to reach their peak to eventuate into a solution.

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  11. #28
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    I have a different take on it. When I had my twin girls, my older kids were 2 and 3. I didnt say "poor husband was depressed" or "had anxiety" because the truth is my husband was an absolute jerk. Made it all about him and how hard life now was for him. I think too many men get away with just being plain old selfish and now use the mental health card as an excuse. So I spent a lot of the time chanting "calm blue ocean" in my head and reminding myself that "they are only small a short time" and "I can do this" I also remember spending a lot of time saying to myself "I choose to cope". What you say to yourself matters.

    I didnt have him get up at night at all. I put one in the rocker and one on my lap and fed them from bottles. I bought Austar (this is pre Netflix time) and watched shows at 3am while I was feeding them.
    The only thing I asked him to do was take them for walks because it's easier to cope with babies screaming if they are outside in the pram. Maybe your husband could take them for walks? Do you have a toddler seat for the 2.5 year old, because it really doesnt work unless they take ALL of them. Then for that hour, don't do housework or anything else, just sleep. If it is raining and cold, he can take them for a drive in the car. If he has slept all night he doesnt have the excuse of "Im tired".

    Goodluck and Godspeed. My twins are now 13, you'll get through this.
    If you're still struggling by 4 months, then go to your maternal child health nurse and they can organise emergency subsidised childcare so you can put all the kids in a daycare for a while to catch up on sleep. (This is a bit of a serious process though, involves talking to a GP, getting letters etc, it isnt just available on request)
    Last edited by Rachel3072; 12-08-2019 at 07:33.

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  13. #29
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    I think sometimes it’s a fine line between just being a jerk and something more serious going on. Sometimes it’s a mix of both. I’m glad he stepped up and I hope this is the start of things improving for you both.

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  15. #30
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    So Ive seen this post pop up a few times and have been holding off saying anything but I just need to..
    I think it's really important to not be so quick to judge someone as lazy/selfish/jerk/a*se. We never truly know what another person is going through no matter how close we are to them or how long we have known them for. There is a massive stigma associated with men and mental health, that's why it's so difficult for them to open up about it and seek the help they need. I've lost friends because of the pressure of similar circumstances & unfortunately they are no longer here to be fathers & watch their children grow up.
    I also watched my own father struggle with the pressure of providing for the whole house financially, coming home from work exhausted everynight, helping with housework/my siblings etc and still he was judged like it wasn't enough, he was labelled lazy, jerk etc. & all this led to fights, big blow ups and eventually separation. (this is my experience, I didn't have the best mum growing up & my dad was my support & main care giver)
    Often people get so lost in blaming others and caught up in our own struggles we forget to just be kind & understanding.
    I'm not making excuses for your partner and I'm not taking away from the hard work and pressure you also feel as a mum. I can only imagine how hard it would be. There's obviously some hard stuff for both of you to sort thru, 2 newborn twins would be a massive change in any household dynamics! I guess I'm just trying to say communicate, be patient with each other, try to understand where each other are coming from and make sure you don't lose your friendship most importantly!
    I hope everything gets better for every one involved. might take a while but it'll be worth it. just trying to offer a different perspective on the situation.

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