+ Reply to Thread
Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 36
  1. #11
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    272
    Thanks
    87
    Thanked
    106
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by joyjen View Post
    So sorry to hear this. Idk how I'll cope too with 3 young kids then not getting support from partner. You are a great mum, i hope your husband realises that. I don't have any advise, we're just expecting our first baby and we know after 5 years just the two of us, it will be a big change once bub is born. While my husband is excited, he's scared we'll lose a lot of free time.

    It's not fair isn't it? The amount of time and effort expected from mums for the children is so much greater compared to that from the father.

    He is being very selfish from my point of view. Just thinking about himself, what about you? He needs to step up and share the pain and difficulties, not just the fun times. Sorry i had a crappy father who thankfully walked out, then my mum met my wonderful stepdad. I remember my dad always whinging, not caring about small problems and my mum had to step up to everything. My dad wasn't violent or abusive but i remember him not acting like a dad like how my uncles are to their kids. Not saying your husband and my dad are the same, but i was aware from young age of 5.

    I hope things get better. You cannot force him to go back to how he was, it has to come from him. And hopefully it happens soon for your mental and emotional well being..
    Thanks for agreeing with me 😁 I’m so tired of feeling like he should get a pat on the back for doing ‘so much more than my dad used to’, I also had a dad who didn’t do much as change a single nappy so I am always adamant I’m going to expect a lot from my husband and not going to count myself lucky just because he does the things a father should do. This is the mentality still and it needs to change.

    In saying that he is the most wonderful, loving, caring and devoted dad to our first born and would move heaven and earth for him. But even with him it’s always been when it’s the easier times and conveniently taking a step back from the hard work, which is why we run into issues with routines etc because my husband doesn’t want to deal with tantrums etc so just gives in.

    All the best with your first baby, it’s definitely an adjustment but soon it will become your new normal and you’ll find ways to have your time still and even better your kids become the way you want to spend your time too 😊

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Posts
    1,685
    Thanks
    754
    Thanked
    2,730
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I don't have any advice beyond what's already been said, but just wanted to say that I think you're a great mum. You're right, it isn't right or fair that some men seem to feel that parenting is something you do when it's convenient - it can be tough, I can't even imagine how hectic it can be with three under three, and we don't get to choose when and how tough it will be. It sounds to me like he's basically (consciously or not) taking advantage of the fact that he knows you'll step up at all times and be there for the kids.

    There's no easy way out of this. Maybe he's depressed, but it sounds to me like maybe he just needs a metaphorical kick in the backside.

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to Kalina For This Useful Post:

    MrsVZ (11-08-2019)

  4. #13
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    13,820
    Thanks
    9,484
    Thanked
    9,852
    Reviews
    13
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Sorry to disagree with you but to me it doesn't sound like he's being just lazy. When I had my third I was fine and all until I had him crying and then I felt angry, frustrated etc. I even said I felt that a 3rd could have been a mistake. I did seek help though. I think you need to be honest with him about how you feel that you feel he is being unfair and you are struggling, that you need him to seek support or you will struggle

  5. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Mamasupial For This Useful Post:

    JR03 (11-08-2019),MrsVZ (11-08-2019),smallpotatoes (14-08-2019)

  6. #14
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Posts
    1,197
    Thanks
    1,051
    Thanked
    603
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I feel so much for you because I have been there. My ex was very much like what you describe.
    I wanted to say that just because people are happy at times doesn’t mean they don’t have some level of depression. Even if it’s just reactional depression. It sounds as if he wasn’t given the tools to cope growing up. Other things you say he said does sound like depression too.
    In my relationship I was in your shoes. No twins but high needs babies. Now that I am totally alone raising 4 kids I am the one with the short fuse at times because I can’t cope.
    In short, he is just acting out because he feels out of control and it’s ugly.
    An outside voice is needed and he needs to realise that he has to learn some coping skills and to validate you as well.
    I hope you can get counselling and that it helps.
    Sadly these things don’t resolve on their own. It will take some work.

  7. The Following User Says Thank You to Bluebirdgirl For This Useful Post:

    MrsVZ (11-08-2019)

  8. #15
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    272
    Thanks
    87
    Thanked
    106
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by Kalina View Post
    I don't have any advice beyond what's already been said, but just wanted to say that I think you're a great mum. You're right, it isn't right or fair that some men seem to feel that parenting is something you do when it's convenient - it can be tough, I can't even imagine how hectic it can be with three under three, and we don't get to choose when and how tough it will be. It sounds to me like he's basically (consciously or not) taking advantage of the fact that he knows you'll step up at all times and be there for the kids.

    There's no easy way out of this. Maybe he's depressed, but it sounds to me like maybe he just needs a metaphorical kick in the backside.
    Thank you! And yes I agree 100%!

  9. #16
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    272
    Thanks
    87
    Thanked
    106
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by Mamasupial View Post
    Sorry to disagree with you but to me it doesn't sound like he's being just lazy. When I had my third I was fine and all until I had him crying and then I felt angry, frustrated etc. I even said I felt that a 3rd could have been a mistake. I did seek help though. I think you need to be honest with him about how you feel that you feel he is being unfair and you are struggling, that you need him to seek support or you will struggle
    I guess if you know him as well as I do then you’ll see why I feel it’s laziness. I think it all started with the broken sleep that he does not cope well with and then he just became irritable about the whole situation. The other night he asked me if I think this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I let him know that it’s harder than I expected because I did think I’d be able to lean more on him and have more of his support but that some days I feel very isolated and like the twins are my problem cause it’s too hard for him and I’m anxious to ask for his help. He told me I’m being dramatic...

  10. #17
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    272
    Thanks
    87
    Thanked
    106
    Reviews
    0
    Quote Originally Posted by Bluebirdgirl View Post
    I feel so much for you because I have been there. My ex was very much like what you describe.
    I wanted to say that just because people are happy at times doesn’t mean they don’t have some level of depression. Even if it’s just reactional depression. It sounds as if he wasn’t given the tools to cope growing up. Other things you say he said does sound like depression too.
    In my relationship I was in your shoes. No twins but high needs babies. Now that I am totally alone raising 4 kids I am the one with the short fuse at times because I can’t cope.
    In short, he is just acting out because he feels out of control and it’s ugly.
    An outside voice is needed and he needs to realise that he has to learn some coping skills and to validate you as well.
    I hope you can get counselling and that it helps.
    Sadly these things don’t resolve on their own. It will take some work.
    I agree with you here and I think it’s definitely about him not having the tools or skills to cope. I’ve told him that I think it might be good for him to chat to someone to find a way to learn to cope because I really need to be able to rely on him and he just brushed it off. I can understand that it’s overwhelming for him sometimes, I have to seriously dig deep some days when there is so much crying, but it’s like he’s just not even trying and if he gets home and one baby is so much as whinging he says ‘oh looks like not much has changed here, yay just what I want to come home to’. Meanwhile I’m just dying to hand a baby to him and then what am I supposed to do just suck it up? Definitely think this needs a third objective person to help us meet halfway.

  11. #18
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Posts
    536
    Thanks
    429
    Thanked
    329
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by MrsVZ View Post
    I guess if you know him as well as I do then you’ll see why I feel it’s laziness. I think it all started with the broken sleep that he does not cope well with and then he just became irritable about the whole situation. The other night he asked me if I think this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I let him know that it’s harder than I expected because I did think I’d be able to lean more on him and have more of his support but that some days I feel very isolated and like the twins are my problem cause it’s too hard for him and I’m anxious to ask for his help. He told me I’m being dramatic...
    I really feel for you. I can relate to so much of what you are saying, but I don't have the added workload of twins. My DH is very similar. And I feel it's just laziness and not wanting things to be out of control or messy. He wants his unbr sleep and predictable 'him' time, etc etc.

    I agree with many of the pp that he should seek counselling or help for possible mental health challenges, or to give him some coping tools, bc this situation isn't going away any time soon so he needs to figure out how to live through it with a bit of joy and support for you, rather than acting as though every moment is a burden.

    But I also think some counselling for you would be great, if only as an outlet for you to vent and feel emotionally supported as you navigate the way through this. You are doing an amazing job. It's so hard to always be the one who has to step up for the kids bc you know you can t rely on your partner to do so. You need someone telling you, on a regular basis, what an awesome job you are doing and giving you the chance to complain and get it off your chest for a moment, so you can go back home to face it all feeling a bit buoyed.

    Take care of yourself and good luck. X

  12. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to whiteroses For This Useful Post:

    Kalina (12-08-2019),MrsVZ (11-08-2019),SuperGranny (12-08-2019)

  13. #19
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    1,810
    Thanks
    692
    Thanked
    1,535
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I’m sorry to me he sounds like he’s just being an as*e, and can’t be bothered, he’s put it all in the too hard bin and that’s that, instead of him pulling up his big boy pants and getting on with helping and supporting you as best he can he has decided to do the opposite and do nothing, oh if we could all only take that route ! Oh it’s too hard so I’m going to switch off, ....... I don’t think so, it doesn’t work like that!, yes twins are hard work and a lot of the first year does land on the mums shoulder but you need to know that when he comes home from work he fully engages into family life and he sounds like he’s not doing that at all. I don’t know what the answer is to get him back to being engaged, but it sounds like when the chips are down he’s out, even with the older boy...... parenting is hard work, I’d be telling him in no uncertain turns to pull his big boy pants on and grow some balls and sort his **** out, totally not fair for him to land it all into you, probably get roasted for that but if your sure he’s not depressed he needs a damn good slapping !
    Last edited by stacey10; 11-08-2019 at 07:09.

  14. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to stacey10 For This Useful Post:

    Kalina (12-08-2019),MrsVZ (11-08-2019)

  15. #20
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Posts
    294
    Thanks
    74
    Thanked
    137
    Reviews
    0
    @MrsVZ have you heard of this group - http://mbvs.org.au - it might be worth looking in to it for you to get some assistance at home. Are you also part of your local multiple birth group through amba? I absolutely loved mine & now have an awesome bestie from it.

    We can only blame so much on our childhood... once we reach adulthood we are responsible for our actions & we can change our habits.

    I hope he does pull up his big boy pants as @stacey10 said & help you!


 

Similar Threads

  1. im not coping with all this!
    By tootsy in forum Pregnancy & Birth General Chat
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 03-07-2008, 22:21
  2. Coping with twins
    By mumoftwinz in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 31-08-2007, 21:38
  3. I am not coping with DS at the moment!!
    By fletchersmummy in forum Discipline & behaviour
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 17-05-2007, 19:14
  4. Not coping with severe ms!
    By wannabemum in forum Morning Sickness
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: 05-02-2007, 06:34

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts