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  1. #1
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    Default Husband not coping with twins

    Hoping to get some advice on how to deal with my situation please. We have a 2.5yr old son and welcomed our beautiful twin boys into the world 3 months ago! It has been bloody tough, my mom stayed with us the first 2 months which was a godsend and now we’re on our own with no family support but things are definitely getting easier with the twins sleeping better at night and not having to feed so often. Since the day I brought the twins home my husband has really struggled. He had to get up to help at night for the first 8 weeks to burp and do nappy changes and every single time my request was met with a sigh and he’d whinge through the whole process, and he’d get so worked up and snap if he couldn’t settle one of them. He actually told me he really wished we didn’t have twins and it’s all just too hard. It’s really stressed me out knowing I don’t have my husband as my rock and support like he was with our firstborn. He’s great with our eldest and has stepped up a lot there but he knows the alternative is dealing with the twins so no surprise. I always have to ask for help with the twins, he’ll never offer to help, he’ll always wait to be asked.

    I never get any positive encouragement from him or support, he just goes ‘I don’t know how you do it’. What would be nice is if he came home and said ‘you’ve had them 3 days straight while I get to go to work and escape it all, why don’t you go have a bath and I’ll manage putting them to bed’, or suggest I go for a coffee or massage and he’ll just deal with the kids. He says it’s too difficult and he can’t cope with all 3.

    I’m just extremely frustrated and actually annoyed that he is ‘struggling’ so much and here I am just getting on with it taking care of 3 kids under 3. If I say I’m tired he goes ‘I couldn’t sleep much either last night’, yet he didn’t get up once to help me. He’ll sit on the couch on his phone or watching tv at night then just go straight to bed without asking if there’s anything I need him to do, or without doing stuff out of his own. He seems to have developed a bad temper and it’s no wonder he struggles to settle the twins because he’s so negative towards the whole situation and they can probably pick up on that. I don’t want to just give him the easy way out and not ask for his help because my mental health matters just as much and I need a break sometimes. Plus I just think it’s not fair, he was an equal part in making the twins, he wanted another child too and I can’t control we had twins plus I wouldn’t wish it any other way.

    I just feel like I’ve lost my wonderful, calm, loving husband. He’s become nasty, angry and unsupportive, I just feel like I am going in circles when I try talk to him about it.

    Any advice welcome! Thank you!

  2. #2
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    This sounds like a really tough situation to be in. I am sorry you aren’t getting the support you deserve and need. It sounds like he is suffering with mental health and the adjustment to the change in your lives, a trip to the gp to discuss his current mental state and organise some counselling might be beneficial. I hope things improve for you soon

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  4. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by PipersMummy View Post
    This sounds like a really tough situation to be in. I am sorry you aren’t getting the support you deserve and need. It sounds like he is suffering with mental health and the adjustment to the change in your lives, a trip to the gp to discuss his current mental state and organise some counselling might be beneficial. I hope things improve for you soon
    I honestly think he’s just frustrated cause he’s lazy and wants his life to be easy and carefree. He even admits it and often says he doesn’t get what the point of life is if it’s all just about going to work and having to save so hard to do nice things then come home and ‘work’ more doing chores. His upbringing is very much to blame as his mom never taught him to deal with things and rather he just went off surfing with his friends and dinner was waiting when he got home and his clothes were clean and his room tidied. Just the idea that he needs counselling annoys me when I’ve carried these two babies in my body for 9 months and recovered from a c-section while breastfeeding 3 hourly day in and day out and also trying to give my 2.5yr old my attention, plus doing my best to keeping up with laundry and groceries, with my sanity in tact and without a complaint. He says I’m just better at dealing with stuff. Well I’m not super human!

  5. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrsVZ View Post
    Hoping to get some advice on how to deal with my situation please. We have a 2.5yr old son and welcomed our beautiful twin boys into the world 3 months ago! It has been bloody tough, my mom stayed with us the first 2 months which was a godsend and now we’re on our own with no family support but things are definitely getting easier with the twins sleeping better at night and not having to feed so often. Since the day I brought the twins home my husband has really struggled. He had to get up to help at night for the first 8 weeks to burp and do nappy changes and every single time my request was met with a sigh and he’d whinge through the whole process, and he’d get so worked up and snap if he couldn’t settle one of them. He actually told me he really wished we didn’t have twins and it’s all just too hard. It’s really stressed me out knowing I don’t have my husband as my rock and support like he was with our firstborn. He’s great with our eldest and has stepped up a lot there but he knows the alternative is dealing with the twins so no surprise. I always have to ask for help with the twins, he’ll never offer to help, he’ll always wait to be asked.

    I never get any positive encouragement from him or support, he just goes ‘I don’t know how you do it’. What would be nice is if he came home and said ‘you’ve had them 3 days straight while I get to go to work and escape it all, why don’t you go have a bath and I’ll manage putting them to bed’, or suggest I go for a coffee or massage and he’ll just deal with the kids. He says it’s too difficult and he can’t cope with all 3.

    I’m just extremely frustrated and actually annoyed that he is ‘struggling’ so much and here I am just getting on with it taking care of 3 kids under 3. If I say I’m tired he goes ‘I couldn’t sleep much either last night’, yet he didn’t get up once to help me. He’ll sit on the couch on his phone or watching tv at night then just go straight to bed without asking if there’s anything I need him to do, or without doing stuff out of his own. He seems to have developed a bad temper and it’s no wonder he struggles to settle the twins because he’s so negative towards the whole situation and they can probably pick up on that. I don’t want to just give him the easy way out and not ask for his help because my mental health matters just as much and I need a break sometimes. Plus I just think it’s not fair, he was an equal part in making the twins, he wanted another child too and I can’t control we had twins plus I wouldn’t wish it any other way.

    I just feel like I’ve lost my wonderful, calm, loving husband. He’s become nasty, angry and unsupportive, I just feel like I am going in circles when I try talk to him about it.

    Any advice welcome! Thank you!
    I’m so sorry . That must be so tough! You’re doing an amazing job. Sounds like he might be suffering a bit from depression. We all know mums can suffer from PND but it’s actually very common for Dads too! I would recommend he gets in touch with PANDA. They are fantastic, whether it’s just needing to reach out & have a chat, or organising on going psychological help. Do you think that’s something he might be open to trying? I know men can be particularly stubborn about this. I think it’s really important:

    1. For him, he’s clearly struggling
    2. For you! You need support and without your partner helping it could affect your mental health
    3. For him to bond with his children, as it sounds like he’s not interesting in spending much time with them atm?
    4. For your marriage.

    In terms of help for you, is there the possibility of your mum or another relative / close friend staying again for a while? I think it’s really important for both of you to reach out for help. Even if it’s just 30 minutes for you to have that relaxing bath

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  7. #5
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    @KJane13 thanks for the suggestions, I don’t think he’s depressed at all as he’s fine until he has to deal with the twins. They have started smiling now and I see him interacting with them with so much love so it’s totally selfish as he doesn’t want to deal with the hard stuff but then is happy to give them his energy and time when it’s the good moments. He’s been to counselling before for anxiety but it was very much situational and he hasn’t struggled with it for a long time because it was very much encouraged by his mom who put him on medication for it at 17 instead of teaching him to overcome it. I’ve mentioned to him that I think it might be good for him to join a twins support group for dads or find someone to chat to so he isn’t doing all the whinging and venting to me and he just responds with ‘so you get to vent and I don’t’. He’s referring to maybe once a day when I get a bit fed up whereas he whinges instantly when he gets home despite 9 hours away from it all.

    I do think counselling would be beneficial to us for sure! We’ve played with the idea before because we so often don’t see eye to eye on issues so maybe it’s time to bite the bullet. I think it may be good for me to go alone first.

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  9. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrsVZ View Post
    @KJane13 thanks for the suggestions, I don’t think he’s depressed at all as he’s fine until he has to deal with the twins. They have started smiling now and I see him interacting with them with so much love so it’s totally selfish as he doesn’t want to deal with the hard stuff but then is happy to give them his energy and time when it’s the good moments. He’s been to counselling before for anxiety but it was very much situational and he hasn’t struggled with it for a long time because it was very much encouraged by his mom who put him on medication for it at 17 instead of teaching him to overcome it. I’ve mentioned to him that I think it might be good for him to join a twins support group for dads or find someone to chat to so he isn’t doing all the whinging and venting to me and he just responds with ‘so you get to vent and I don’t’. He’s referring to maybe once a day when I get a bit fed up whereas he whinges instantly when he gets home despite 9 hours away from it all.

    I do think counselling would be beneficial to us for sure! We’ve played with the idea before because we so often don’t see eye to eye on issues so maybe it’s time to bite the bullet. I think it may be good for me to go alone first.
    I think they sound like great ideas! I’m sorry that so much of the ‘work’ comes down to you - I can’t even imagine what having twins must be like!

    My DH & I have often said we need counselling when we go through a rocky patch - then never end up doing it. I think if you feel like some counselling is needed but don’t follow up - sooner of later you’re going to say it again!

    I hope things improve for you soon, & of course it’s still such early days postpartum, hopefully time will help this adjustment period too

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  11. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by KJane13 View Post
    I think they sound like great ideas! I’m sorry that so much of the ‘work’ comes down to you - I can’t even imagine what having twins must be like!

    My DH & I have often said we need counselling when we go through a rocky patch - then never end up doing it. I think if you feel like some counselling is needed but don’t follow up - sooner of later you’re going to say it again!

    I hope things improve for you soon, & of course it’s still such early days postpartum, hopefully time will help this adjustment period too
    Thank you! This is so true, we always say it then get over the issue but never resolve it and it comes back again. Oh I meant to say before that unfortunately we don’t have any family in Australia but thankfully my eldest is in childcare twice a week and I do have some friends who offer to help but it’s just so full on I feel bad leaving someone with 3 month old twins! Maybe soon as things settle a bit more

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    I have a different take on it. When I had my twin girls, my older kids were 2 and 3. I didnt say "poor husband was depressed" or "had anxiety" because the truth is my husband was an absolute jerk. Made it all about him and how hard life now was for him. I think too many men get away with just being plain old selfish and now use the mental health card as an excuse. So I spent a lot of the time chanting "calm blue ocean" in my head and reminding myself that "they are only small a short time" and "I can do this" I also remember spending a lot of time saying to myself "I choose to cope". What you say to yourself matters.

    I didnt have him get up at night at all. I put one in the rocker and one on my lap and fed them from bottles. I bought Austar (this is pre Netflix time) and watched shows at 3am while I was feeding them.
    The only thing I asked him to do was take them for walks because it's easier to cope with babies screaming if they are outside in the pram. Maybe your husband could take them for walks? Do you have a toddler seat for the 2.5 year old, because it really doesnt work unless they take ALL of them. Then for that hour, don't do housework or anything else, just sleep. If it is raining and cold, he can take them for a drive in the car. If he has slept all night he doesnt have the excuse of "Im tired".

    Goodluck and Godspeed. My twins are now 13, you'll get through this.
    If you're still struggling by 4 months, then go to your maternal child health nurse and they can organise emergency subsidised childcare so you can put all the kids in a daycare for a while to catch up on sleep. (This is a bit of a serious process though, involves talking to a GP, getting letters etc, it isnt just available on request)
    Last edited by Rachel3072; 12-08-2019 at 07:33.

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    sorry to hear about things not going so well. from what you’ve described, it sounds like he’s struggling with anxiety and maybe a bit of depression. i can’t imagine what an adjustment it must be going from 1 to 3. he might also be intimidated by the fact you’re killing it and he probably feels useless in comparison which makes him more angry and frustrated.

    if it were my dh, i would urge him to go see his gp for a chat and look at getting a mental health plan and talking to a psych and/or trying some meds out.

    good luck, i hope things pick up for you both and he’s able to get the extra support he needs during this time.

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    @turquoisecoast thanks, I think I should maybe start with a visit to my gp and go from there, I’m always putting everyone else before me and I should maybe just focus on getting myself someone to talk to rather than trying to get him to talk to someone. When it suits him I’m the mother and it’s my responsibility then next minute I’m controlling when trying to keep boundaries and routine in place for our 2.5yr old so things aren’t complete chaos so I can’t win. He’s not hearing me at the moment so I need to talk to someone else 😂


 

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