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  1. #1
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    Default Split parents — Missing old life despite amazing partner

    I don’t even know how to write this out and I’m doing it while in tears that have come out of the blue. I go through this every once in a while and I hate it.

    I separated from my husband in October last year after years of issues mainly instigated by my ex husband (in one of my other posts), after it was clear nothing would change I called it quits. I have since met a lovely man who treats me very well, but my husband has tried to sabotage this by contacting this mans ex wife and going as far as sleeping with her; just really childish behaviour, they are both bitter about our respective separations.

    Despite my ex husbands misgivings (and there are plenty) I sometimes miss my old life and I wonder if it will ever go away? We were just organising Christmas custody last night and I haven’t stopped crying since.. I just miss my kids and my ex husband has a great big extended family who are mostly lovely whereas I don’t have siblings/cousins etc. My ex also has a sister who works with an airline and he has take them on holidays and has two more planned which I just can’t afford.. I know it isn’t about who has the most/can offer the most and I don’t want the kids to miss out but it hurts as we have them 50/50 and their life with him is much more exciting than their life with me and I feel “left in the dust” somewhat as silly as that sounds.

    My new partner is as lovely as ever and has kids of his own but we have interacted once and do not intend on introducing the kids properly to each other for quite a while. I guess I’m missing the family vibe perhaps and I don’t even know if this whole post makes sense but I just need to know these feelings will subside!

  2. #2
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    Hi I had to reply because I empathise.
    I also broke up with my husband around October last year. We were together for 13 years and have 4 kids. It was my second marriage. The first I was with for 6 years, 2 kids.

    Even when the break is what you want I’m finding it takes a lot more time to grieve the loss of a life you lived than I considered. I didn’t love my husband for a few years before and things were unhappy but just being a family and having that lifestyle is a lot.

    My first marriage I still loved my husband and it took me years to fully move past. I’m coming to accept now that it may take the same sort of time for this based on the amount of time I invested not so much my feelings for him.

    I don’t have a new partner or any chance for that any time soon and it’s lonely. It’s nice you have someone to spend some time with. Try to focus on your new life that’s evolving and be gentle with yourself while you go through the process of letting go of your old one. Certain things will trigger you and that’s ok to feel upset.

    I’m not one for counselling but I’m actually going to try it because it really has been such a big deal for me that I’ve been left quite scattered.

    All the best x

  3. #3
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    I haven’t experienced a marriage separation but two things came to mind when I read your post:
    - the first year and major milestones will be tough for awhile, especially as traditions change but eventually you’ll start developing new traditions that you’ll love.

    - it’s human nature to want things we don’t have anymore. I’ve been married 10 years but there was a boyfriend I had for 1 year whom I occasionally miss as we shared so much fun and laughter but wasn’t husband/long future material

    As a kid, our holidays were always with dad and we’d have so much fun but it didn’t make us not enjoy time with mum. As I grew older, my relationship with my mum has grown so much.

    Good luck to you and give yourself chance to get the emotions out when you need.

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  5. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bluebirdgirl View Post
    Hi I had to reply because I empathise.
    I also broke up with my husband around October last year. We were together for 13 years and have 4 kids. It was my second marriage. The first I was with for 6 years, 2 kids.

    Even when the break is what you want I’m finding it takes a lot more time to grieve the loss of a life you lived than I considered. I didn’t love my husband for a few years before and things were unhappy but just being a family and having that lifestyle is a lot.

    My first marriage I still loved my husband and it took me years to fully move past. I’m coming to accept now that it may take the same sort of time for this based on the amount of time I invested not so much my feelings for him.

    I don’t have a new partner or any chance for that any time soon and it’s lonely. It’s nice you have someone to spend some time with. Try to focus on your new life that’s evolving and be gentle with yourself while you go through the process of letting go of your old one. Certain things will trigger you and that’s ok to feel upset.

    I’m not one for counselling but I’m actually going to try it because it really has been such a big deal for me that I’ve been left quite scattered.

    All the best x
    Thank you for your response. I am in a similar (ish) situation to yourself in that my exhusband is not my eldest daughters father, her father left when she was 2 months old and stepped out in a large way, however has been more dependable in the past 2 years. He is aware that my exhusband is my eldests “Dad,” and my exhusband takes both girls (his step daughter and bio daughter) week on week off; he’s raised from 11 months old and she is now nearly 8.

    I never quite understood the feeling of emptiness and breathlessness that could overwhelm someone so much.. I loved my place in the world as a wife and mother and I’ve come to realise it was a really traumatic relationship to my mental health. I try not to speak to my exhusband, rather keep things via text however we had a number of conversations around Christmas custody and he knows how to cut me to the core by not saying much at all; I think that’s why I’ve regressed to a crying blubbering mess over the past week or so. I still loved my husband but he was quite awful to me in a lot of cunning ways, lots of isolation from friends, lots of subtle put downs about the fact I had a daughter coming in to the relationship, cheating etc. I loved him but it wasn’t healthy.

    I was seeing a therapist and I highly recommend it. I definitely need to go back as I feel I’m in a different stage of mourning.

  6. #5
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    Very normal and yes, it does get better.

    It's still fresh - not even a year. Your whole life and family dynamic has changed and it's common to feel a greater sense of loss once the emotional roller-coaster of separation dies down and you're left to settle into new routines and a new 'normal'

    We tend to look back at the past with rose-coloured glasses but if things had been okay or at least salvageable, you would not have separated. Whenever we leave something that was making us miserable - be it a job or relationship, it doesn't mean there weren't aspects of that situation that were good or even great - it just means that some aspects were making it impossible to stay and all the holidays or big family gatherings weren't enough to make it tolerable.

    I had a 'fun' dad but nothing could replace the love I got from my mum - as I grew up, I was less swayed by material things.


 

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