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  1. #1
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    Default Wanting another baby after agreeing we were done...

    Hey lovely mums and dads out there!

    I'm in a bit of an emotional rut at the moment. DH and I have 2 beautiful children already (DD is turning 6 in 2 weeks and DS is 3). Due to a crazy couple of years after DS was born we both kind of shrugged off any further chance of having another child. I sold our cot and pram over 12 months ago and whenever family or friends have asked me if I would have anymore I just tell them no we have our pigeon pair (boy and girl) so we're happy and done. The problem is I have been having a nagging maternal thought of wanting to have just 1 more baby (before we even had kids I always pictured myself with 3 as I grew up with 2 older siblings). I've brought my feelings up to DH a couple of times over the past year and he has said we should be happy with the 2 children that we already have and that be that. He has reminded me that with another child it means we would need a bigger house, probably upgrade to bigger cars and we have already gotten rid of all baby-related items.

    When I had both kids DH wasn't really working as he was looking after my sick mother-in-law so it put us into a bit of a difficult situation. We got through it and now we're in a much better place financially which makes me think that we could definitely have another baby now if we wanted to.

    Can anyone please tell me is it normal to yearn more children once yours have gotten passed a certain age and knowing that you both agreed to no more? Will this just phase out one day do you think or do you think this is really me knowing I definitely haven't finished with babies? I'm trying very hard to convince myself I don't want another baby because that is what DH has told me. There are some more reasons why I think he says he doesn't want another baby which involves some family members but he won't admit it to me and I don't want to press him too much on it. A couple of months ago I had a scare when my PM was being irregular and so he asked me to take a test. He admitted to me after it was negative that he would have been excited if I was pregnant. This just confuses me even more.

    I don't really have anyone else to vent my feelings to so I'm hoping that I can even just have some supportive shoulders in here to get me through these feelings...

  2. #2
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    I think once kids get older, it's easy to romanticise the baby period - but as cute as they are, babies are hard work 100% of the time so that's something that needs to be factored in - how will having a baby so dependent on you affect your family day to day? Do you have any help/support available? Is it financially doable without causing strain? If hubby is against the idea, how will it impact on your relationship?

    I'm going on 3 days of very little sleep because my 6 month old has stumbled upon some fountain of extra neediness lately so I'm coming from a different place 😂 but these are all things to consider and discuss.

    That said - depending on how you personally handle parenthood, it might be very doable with a few adjustments and sacrifices along the way but you should definitely ensure your partner is fully onboard because the risk of having him be resentful would cause friction you don't want.

  3. #3
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    I feel like I was in a very similar situation to you some years ago. We had thought we were done and satisfied after 2 (and the subsequent few years of very little sleep etc). But when my youngest was about 2-3, I started thinking about a third, and how it would be for us all, and it turns out that I just could not stop thinking about it. I thought about it daily for about a year before I realised this feeling wasn't going away, and then I brought it up with DH.

    He was initially very reluctant bc we'd agreed two was enough etc. But we talked about it on and off over the course of about 6 months and eventually decided to give it a go. He did a lot of soul searching in that time, and I knew it would /could never happen if we both weren't totally committed to the idea. I couldn't face him ever resenting the situation. He originally said a fairly definite no, and when I found out I was completely heartbroken at his decision, I realised how much I wanted that third.

    It's a really tricky thing. It's difficult to know whether you are going through a natural period of grief for those baby years you'll never have again (and I think even parents who found those years hard can experience a certain grief that it's a period of time that is over), or whether you truly aren't done yet.

    I suppose for me, time and talking it through with DH helped sort out for me how I really felt. It wasn't just a passing feeling - - I literally couldn't stop thinking about a third, and I needed DH to know how I felt. So maybe the 2 of you talking about it some more would help, bearing in mind all the realistic challenges that come with having a baby in the house again.

    Best of luck to you in working it out. I hope you end up happy with your outcome x

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  5. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by whiteroses View Post
    I feel like I was in a very similar situation to you some years ago. We had thought we were done and satisfied after 2 (and the subsequent few years of very little sleep etc). But when my youngest was about 2-3, I started thinking about a third, and how it would be for us all, and it turns out that I just could not stop thinking about it. I thought about it daily for about a year before I realised this feeling wasn't going away, and then I brought it up with DH.

    He was initially very reluctant bc we'd agreed two was enough etc. But we talked about it on and off over the course of about 6 months and eventually decided to give it a go. He did a lot of soul searching in that time, and I knew it would /could never happen if we both weren't totally committed to the idea. I couldn't face him ever resenting the situation. He originally said a fairly definite no, and when I found out I was completely heartbroken at his decision, I realised how much I wanted that third.

    It's a really tricky thing. It's difficult to know whether you are going through a natural period of grief for those baby years you'll never have again (and I think even parents who found those years hard can experience a certain grief that it's a period of time that is over), or whether you truly aren't done yet.

    I suppose for me, time and talking it through with DH helped sort out for me how I really felt. It wasn't just a passing feeling - - I literally couldn't stop thinking about a third, and I needed DH to know how I felt. So maybe the 2 of you talking about it some more would help, bearing in mind all the realistic challenges that come with having a baby in the house again.

    Best of luck to you in working it out. I hope you end up happy with your outcome x
    This is pretty much word for word of our situation too.
    We’re hoping to have another soon. My kids are 5 and 7 and I’ve been wanting another for a few years.

  6. #5
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    Thanks for your replies

    I have no intention of forcing DH into us having a third child. It's just been very hard trying to make myself believe that we don't "need" another baby. When we agreed to stop at two I secretly always wanted another and had to just put it to the back of my mind and forget about it. Whenever people have asked us if we planned to have more I agreed with him because that was what he wants. I've tried to explain to him that mother's have different feelings to men and I have to understand that too. He looks at another child differently than I do and I listen to every valid point he has made about how life would need to be adjusted for another child (baby items, another mouth to feed, another person to cater for if we travel, etc). I just feel very sad knowing that we were done. I could see myself with another baby, despite how hard they are. I love my children and I think our kids would be really great siblings to another but at the same time I have to think about their needs over mine too.

    I've also just found out that a couple that we know have announced they are having another baby (this will be their 6th and DH is concerned us having a 3rd lol) so that doesn't help how I'm feeling.

    I think another sit down discussion on this is going to have to happen I suppose. Even if it helps me to work out how badly I want this.

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    Yogis Mumma (17-05-2019)

  8. #6
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    I hope talking it through some more can help both of you understand each other's position and come to a decision you can both be satisfied with. It sounds like your DH is thinking of all the practical reasons it would be simpler to stick with 2, but also that it's not entirely out of the question that he could get excited about another (from things you said he's done in the past). I'm not suggesting for a moment that you would want to pressure him into it, and I felt very much the same way with my DH. But I was lucky enough, I suppose, that the more we talked about it, the more he understood what it meant to me, and then realised that he, too, would actually enjoy having another.

    Best of luck for your ongoing considerations. X

  9. #7
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    I think once your kids get past the ‘baby’ stage and even if youre done! Theres still a little yearning for a baby.

    I know i often have feelings of wishing i had a little bubba again.

    We have 3 and our youngest just started school so we’re moving into big kid territory.

  10. #8
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    Thank you again for all of the thoughts and advice from everyone. I've had a couple of days in thought and was quite nervous trying to find the best way to start the conversation again with DH but we finally had a good chat about it tonight.

    We have both shared our feelings about the issue and we're going to take an opportunity to think about everything. DH has confessed to me that he has considered another baby and just wants to make sure that he has enough time to give to both a new baby and our kids now.

    We're definitely not planning to make any rush decisions by any means. It's good to have had the chance to actually find the courage to talk about it again. I have assured him that I would never force him into having another baby or would never purposely put myself into a position where I would just fall pregnant without his 100% support first. We'll just take it slowly and see how we're feeling in a little while. So much to think about when considering adding to the family... this time around feels so differently to our first 2 kids. Life is so different now it actually feels like a bigger step. It's an exciting prospect but really important to think it through. I keep reminding myself of that.

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