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  1. #1
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    Default Cheating during IVF

    Feeling a bit lost atm and needing to vent... just wondering if anyone else has gone through this or have any advise to offer...

    My partner and I went through IVF at the beginning of the year, very excited for the next step in our relationship - we have been together for nearly 8years.
    But a week before finding out “we” were pregnant i found out that she had been lying and cheating on me again... (this is the third time)
    I honestly thought we were over this bull**** and i am absolutely devastated!!
    I had my suspensions a month before the egg extraction so i talked them out with her and she assured me that it wasnt the case and I believed her, otherwise I wouldn’t have gone through with the IVF.
    Now i am 18weeks pregnant and she wont let me move on. Her family turned against me, blaming me and i have felt so alone and miserable since finding out! They were my support network and they just abandoned me so quickly and easily. Now they want me back in their lives. I don’t understand how they could turn on me so quickly, months go by no word from them and then out of the blue they contact me wanting me around again!!
    I don’t regret being pregnant but i never wanted to do this alone!! My family are supportive but are hours away (south coast & Sunshine Coast - iam in Sydney) and in a way i feel trapped.
    We have a fully furnished four bedroom house (renting) with 5 fur babies and have discussed about sorting out our belongs 3 times but she just shuts down and doesn’t want to do anything. I can’t make all the decisions on my own with our stuff but i think she thinks this can all be swept under the carpet.
    Everyday she tells me she loves me but leaves me to do everything with maintaining this house including the animals... and i just feel that she doesn’t care about me or this baby!

    I guess im just after some advise as to what to do regarding this child....
    Do I let her still be apart of this childs life even though i cant stay with her???
    I dont want too but under all the anger and hurt, i feel bad coz if i was with a male they would have the choice... but the facts are....
    - the egg is mine
    - IVF was paid with my super
    - the donor was chosen off her physical features
    - she has not supported me during the pregnancy just drowning herself in her own sorrows and i have never in my life been so stressed as i have been the past months
    - i cant trust her anymore and dont want this child to feel the hurt that i do if she was to let us down again

    I am scared to do this alone, lets face it i didn’t expect that this year I’d be turning 30, single and pregnant!! I was planning on proposing to her after the 12weeks mark if we got pregnant....
    I am so angry that i gave everything to her, forgave her and built that trust up again and again after the last times and don’t understand why this keeps happening and at such an important time too. Even when i asked, the answer i get is “i was stupid” or “I don’t know”. But Im the one that feels stupid!

    I love her so much but no one deserves to be treated this way... i am so confused with what to do next - i am a mix of emotions.
    This was suppose to be the happiest time of my life and i have been far from happy.

  2. #2
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    I'm sorry this is happening to you. To go through the effort and cost of IVF and then have this happen would be awful.
    You need to do what is right for you in terms of your living situation and your relationship.
    Legally, you and your partner conceived this child as a couple, so you are both parents- regardless of who paid, whose egg etc. That means rights and responsibilities on both parties, including access, child support etc.

  3. #3
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    What a really rough time for you. I can imagine how hard it would be to enjoy your pregnancy and look forward to the new blessing when you're at such a cross road.

    It sounds like you have made up your mind that you don't want to be with her, does she realise this? Or is she just coasting along hoping you will let it blow over and things will be fine?

    I really think that you should get some legal advice regarding letting her see the baby and be in its life. You could make a choice on that without advice, and then be completely blind sighted if it doesn't go your way legally speaking. Best to have all the information up front. Maybe the IVF clinic could have some connections they could put you on to.. ? Worth a try.

    I know it's easier said than done, but try to slow it down and take one day at a time. You should be enjoying this precious time of your life! Would you consider moving closer to your family and support base?

    I think at the end of the day, if she isn't giving you the love and respect you deserve, then there is only so much waiting around you can do.

    Sorry you're in this situation. x

  4. #4
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    I would get some legal advice now. I have an old school friend who is in a similar situation. She and her then fiancée had a baby together. When he was still really young they split up and 2 years later they are still going through the court case for custody (it’s pretty nasty from what I understand and there is a lot more to it than what I’m privy to I’m sure). I don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship/how they conceived but I can only assume it was with my friends own egg and a known donor (as I was going through IVF at the time her boy was born and she was very curious about it all and how it all worked). Even though biologically the child is not hers, given the intent was to have a child as a family unit, I imagine there would be some argument around this from her side.

  5. #5
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    Sorry you are going through this. I agree with the suggestion to get legal advice.

    I’m assuming you and your partner both would have signed the IVF paperwork (she would have had to sign unless you said you were single and wrote n/a). So as previous posters have said that gives her parental status and obligations even though it was your egg and super that paid for treatment. Even if you chose not to add her to the birth certificate once bubs was born, she can use the original IVF paperwork to be recognised as a legal parent.

    So that brings into play potential custody agreements/visitation etc and the obligation to pay child support.

    There’s also Centrelink implications too. Centrelink will require you to name the other parent so they can chase her for child support, whether you want to or not. If you don’t name the other parent they will reduce your single parenting payments accordingly. So you’ll need to consider the financial aspects.

    So there’s actually a bit to work through and it’s best to see a lawyer now so you can navigate the best outcome for you all.

    Big hugs xx

    R

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  7. #6
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    You’ve been given some good advice here.

    I’m not sure my advice is correct, or good for that matter, but I would move to your family ASAP. I think custody arrangements go off where you’re living when it’s born. You won’t be able to move away after it’s birth unless your ex gives you permission. Just up and leave, taking what you want, and let her know the house is empty for her to sort through and you won’t be coming back

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mod-Wise Enough View Post
    but I would move to your family ASAP. I think custody arrangements go off where you’re living when it’s born. You won’t be able to move away after it’s birth unless your ex gives you permission. Just up and leave, taking what you want, and let her know the house is empty for her to sort through and you won’t be coming back
    This is exactly what my lawyer would advise. Have the baby in your home state where you have your support network. Once your gone your gone.

  9. #8
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    Thank you all for the advise, I really appreciate it!!
    This has given me something to think about and to consider.

    I did do some research and found that the co-mother doesnt become a legal parent until they adopt the child after birth under federal law but still, i will look further into this.

    I think i need to stop over thinking everything (which is very hard for me) and start trying to move forward, dealing with one thing at a time coz just feels like im stuck in time, trapped and completely overwhelmed at the moment.
    Its just so hard being isolated as friends and family are so far away or in different states and the closest family i had near by was her family who are 5mins up the road.

    I had been considering moving in with my brother down the coast but was worried about finding a job. But after reading all the above advise i think it will be the best thing.

    Uh Its so hard to try to enjoy this pregnancy when i feel like my whole life is falling apart. Its hard for me to even tell people im pregnant because im embarrassed of the situation she has put us in.

    Thank you all again for the advise and for listening to my situation xxx

  10. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by TamStar89 View Post
    Thank you all for the advise, I really appreciate it!!
    This has given me something to think about and to consider.

    I did do some research and found that the co-mother doesnt become a legal parent until they adopt the child after birth under federal law but still, i will look further into this.

    x
    This is not at all true.

    State law regulates birth info etc. Look at info specific to your state.

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    SJ565 (15-05-2019)

  12. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by JustJaq View Post
    This is not at all true.

    State law regulates birth info etc. Look at info specific to your state.
    Eta - sorry, busy and can't link correct info.

    But def look more into this!


 

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