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  1. #1
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    Default How do I support a friend who has lost a baby in late pregnancy?

    Trigger warning - sad story 😓. My heart goes out to anyone that can relate....

    A close friend of mine recently gave birth and lost her baby the same day, about 30 wks. She knew it was going to happen after finding out there were major problems after the 20 week scan. I am completely devasted for her, this was her last IVF round and she had been trying for years, desperately wanting a sibling for her daughter. She has a history of depression and I’m super worried about her, I can’t even imagine how she must be feeling, I cry every time I think about the situation. Her husband has requested privacy at this time and she doesn’t want to be contacted by anyone, which I can understand. My question is, what on earth do I do once she’s ready to reconnect with the world? Every thing I think of seems somehow insensitive or insignificant and I just don’t know what the right thing is to do.

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    Default How do I support a friend who has lost a baby in late pregnancy?

    When my friend lost her baby at 41 weeks I just kept on messaging her telling her she was in my thoughts. did this for 6-12 months after she lost her son and she really appreciates it and told me I was the only one still asking how she was.

    I also sent her a candle with the baby’s name and DOB on it.

    You can message her and tell her she’s in your thoughts and that you don’t expect a response but you’ll be there for her if she wants to talk.

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    I agree with above. Send messages to say you are thinking of her and add "no need to reply, just wanted you to know". Msges are much easier than phone calls at first. It might seem impersonal but imo its not because it allows the grieving person space and time to read it and much easier than refusing a call or talking when you dont want to.
    Dont ignore her. Its awful when people seem to scared to talk t9 you because something terrible has happened.
    I have a lovely best freind and she usually says something like "im so sorry this horrible thing has happened to you. I love you."
    Dont try to cheer her up, don't try to give "look on the bright side..." type suggestions.
    Just let her be sad and acknowledge that she is sad and let her know its ok to be like this and she doesnt have to "get over it" or "work through/deal with it".
    Drop gifts or flowers or food etc... off at the front door without knocking and when you've left, send a txt saying you left something.
    And don't be upset or offended is she doesnt reply or contact you or make plans etc... just wait as long as it takes until she is able to participate back in normal life and relationships.
    The worst thing to do is do and say nothing because you weren't sure what to do or it made you uncomfortable or you were nervous. Just txts every now and then saying "was thinking of you, just letting you know. No need to reply xx" will show that you care and allow her time to grieve.

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    Thank you. I guess I’ve been holding off (it’s only been a few days) because her hubby suggested not to text her as she didn’t want anyone contacting her, not even by text. But I imagine that will change at some point. I’ll send him a text letting them both know we’re thinking of them (as he said we could text him just not her), and of course don’t expect a response. I like the idea of a door drop but might leave it another week given it’s still very fresh, I think even the kindest gesture could upset her even more right now. I’m so fearful of making things worse but as you say it’s probably worse doing nothing at all.

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    no advice other than what’s already been said above. i’m so sorry for your friend and her husband. you sound like a very caring friend and i think a respectful gesture (within the guidelines her dh has given for now) is better than none.

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    Absolutely heartbreaking. I have a friend who lost their baby late in pregnancy, I could not think of anything more devastating.
    I agree will all suggestions above. They will be in shutdown mode so don't expect nor be offended by no response but letting them know that you are thinking of them would be appreciated. Such a horrible, sad and cruel thing to happen.

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    Quote Originally Posted by sunnygirl79 View Post
    Thank you. I guess I’ve been holding off (it’s only been a few days) because her hubby suggested not to text her as she didn’t want anyone contacting her, not even by text. But I imagine that will change at some point. I’ll send him a text letting them both know we’re thinking of them (as he said we could text him just not her), and of course don’t expect a response. I like the idea of a door drop but might leave it another week given it’s still very fresh, I think even the kindest gesture could upset her even more right now. I’m so fearful of making things worse but as you say it’s probably worse doing nothing at all.
    Yeah of course, no need to rush it espesh if hubby specifically said no texting her. In a couple of weeks and then every now and then. Or send to hubby and ask him to pass on the message.

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    Everyone is different and will grieve differently, but as a parent who lost a child at fullterm my main tip would be don't be scared to talk about her child. Use her baby's name, let your friend know you'd love to see photos if she's happy to share them, ask if baby looked like their sibling. Your friend just had a baby and even though her baby died, she spent her pregnancy and the time after making memories with her little one, make sure she knows you care about and want to hear about her baby just as much as if they had lived. Very few people asked to see photos of my daughter, I really appreciated those who did and were interested to hear everything about her- how big she was, if she looked like her sibling, how labour was.

    I'd send a text to hubby's phone on Mother's Day letting her know you're thinking of her and bub and are there for her when she's ready. Keep checking in to remind her she's in your thoughts and be ready to listen when she needs.

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    I agree with all the above. I would send a message or even a card so they know you are thinking of them. Don’t be afraid to say the baby’s name either. I have a friend who had a Bub born sleeping at 41 weeks and I know even now 11 years later some days are very hard for her, but she does appreciate when people use his name and don’t avoid the subject. To her, she has 4 kids even though one won’t grow up with them.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tainted View Post
    Everyone is different and will grieve differently, but as a parent who lost a child at fullterm my main tip would be don't be scared to talk about her child. Use her baby's name, let your friend know you'd love to see photos if she's happy to share them, ask if baby looked like their sibling. Your friend just had a baby and even though her baby died, she spent her pregnancy and the time after making memories with her little one, make sure she knows you care about and want to hear about her baby just as much as if they had lived. Very few people asked to see photos of my daughter, I really appreciated those who did and were interested to hear everything about her- how big she was, if she looked like her sibling, how labour was.

    I'd send a text to hubby's phone on Mother's Day letting her know you're thinking of her and bub and are there for her when she's ready. Keep checking in to remind her she's in your thoughts and be ready to listen when she needs.
    This is great advice. I lost two late pregnancies and the most special thing one of my friends did was ask to see photos and she used my baby's name. There's nothing worse than when people avoid the topic for fear of "reminding" you or even worse, when they try to cheer you up. But give her time, she's obviously not ready yet.

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