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  1. #1
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    Default Is my husband still in love with me?

    Bit of a back story:

    (Apologies in advance for the super long post)

    DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 9. We’ve always had a really solid relationship and he’s always been super affectionate (me not as much, but he’s always known that and jokes about it at times).

    We’ve been ttc for 3 years, 2 of those being ivf.

    I’ve always supported him through work and study choices and even more so when he lost his mum 5 years ago. I decided to quit my job this year after 15.5 years as it was becoming stressful and toxic which I thought was a factor in me not being to fall pregnant. I then lost my grandad and last month had a miscarriage at 7.5 weeks which required a D&C.

    Since then, well actually since the start of the year but more so since the miscarriage, he has become increasingly distant and things just don’t feel like they used to. We’ve had a couple a couple of talks where I’ve questioned whether he still loves me and wants to be with me and he’s told me does but then goes back to being distant.

    I haven’t been working since I left my job at the end of January so all I do is think. Between not working and all the loss I’ve dealt with this year, he hasn’t really supported me the way I’ve always supported him and I haven’t been in a great place emotionally or mentally. I’ve been doing backflips and everything in my power to get things back to how they were but it honestly feels like he isn’t in love with me anymore and is pushing me away enough so that I break and end it without him having to be the bad guy and do it himself.

    I am completely in love with him still and couldn’t imagine my life without him. The fear of losing him is absolutely paralyzing and I don’t think I’d be able to deal with another loss in my life right now.

    Am I being paranoid or is my husband slipping away?

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  3. #2
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    Sounds like you’ve always been the strong one and never needed his support. He might not know how to be supportive, some people just suck at that. He might realise he’s failing you, which is making him not want to be around you as much as it makes it obvious.

    Also as you said, you have nothing else to think about. So you’re massively over analysing everything. (Assumptions made all through my reply!). If you were still working and busy you might not notice the small things. Maybe they were always there and you just never noticed.

    I hope you guys can work through it. Best of luck.

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  5. #3
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    I can relate to some of what you said @Akara.

    We did a couple years of IVF and that alone took a toll on our relationship.

    I decided to quit my job for similar reasons to you and all of a sudden I had all day every day or worry about making babies, our relationship etc. returning to a new job did my mental health and our relationship wonders, I worked 2 days a week so just enough to keep my mind active but not overwhelm me.

    I have never had a miscarriage but our first baby was stillborn and the months following that were easily the hardest on our relationship. There was many times when I truly thought we wouldn’t make it at all.


    We had some counselling (Brisbane, if you are local I am recommend a wonderful lady). It was so helpful and we still see her occasionally if we need to. Maybe it would be worth a try.

    What you are experiencing IVF, passing of family etc is extremely stressful and it sounds like your husband still loves you very much he is just unsure how to help given you’ve always been so strong.

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    Akara (01-05-2019),Mason98 (01-05-2019),Mod-LIKE A BOSS (01-05-2019),Mod-Wise Enough (01-05-2019),turquoisecoast (01-05-2019)

  7. #4
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    When my husband and I were newly married, we fought a lot about how we deal with problems and how we express ourselves. We were only dating 6 months before getting married and probably didn't have the chance to adjust to each other. I go distant and cry when i have a problem, his temper always gets in the way when trying to express feelings. Then he got a promotion, got very busy and stressed and that's when we decided to take up marriage counseling. We did that on our 2nd wedding anniversary, a little bit unconventional but very wise move accdg to the counsellor. It helped us a lot, about how to communicate, how to give space and how to compromise. We only had three sessions but our relationship has gotten stronger and stronger each year. I would consider doing it again even without major issues.

    I cannot say that things won't change after more years of being married (crossed fingers it will only change for the better). But i do think outside opinion helps heaps, given your husband is open to counselling too.

    Men have weird ways on facing problems (they keep saying women are complicated but they can be as difficult to read).

    I think only you can truly feel if he still loves you, despite of what he is saying. I really hope everything will turn out well.

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  9. #5
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    We’ve been together 14 years, married for 10 and we’re young getting married. What turned our life around was both reading ‘The 5 Love Languages’. It sounds corny but it literally turned our marriage around.

    There’s a free quiz online to identify your love language. The premise is, if you don’t receive love from your partner in your love language, you won’t feel loved and vice versa.

    My hubby and I have opposite love languages so that’s why we had issues, now we put in extra effort for each other...it works. Of course we need reminding from time to time.

    My hubby was open to reading it, easy read and he recommends it to so many friends...check it out 🥰

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  11. #6
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    Thank you all for your replies. I agree that being at home all day gives me more time to let my mind wander and think of all these scenarios.

    When we had a talk about it (after I had a full on breakdown) over a week ago, he admitted that the miscarriage had affected him and he’d basically just come to terms with us not having any kids. We’ve both agreed that we want and need to work on us before going through another cycle but he hasn’t really made an effort since then so it’s just making me think more that he’s pushing me away. We’ve always said that if our ever started suffering we would go to counseling (he’s always been quite adamant on that) but hasn’t mentioned it in all the talks we’ve had lately. Every time I try to bring us up, he seems to change the subject.

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  13. #7
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    I’m sorry for your loss and the current stress you’re experiencing.
    I wondered after your Op and follow up post whether your DH is experiencing grief after your miscarriage.
    I think counselling could be a good idea.
    I feel for you. Feeling unloved or like you’re losing your love, when you love so deeply can be heartbreaking.
    Even if your DH won’t go to counselling, you could go alone, for you.
    Best wishes

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  15. #8
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    Infertiliy is a HUGE emotional thing for a couple to endure. Loss of parent(grandparnets) also can bring sadness and depression. It sounds like both have endured a lot of loss and the recent loss of your baby(hugs...I've been there).
    I would strongly encourage you to open the lines of communication. I don't think he isn't in love with you. He maybe suffering from some depression. You may be too.

    I would allow yourselves some time to grieve all of the losses and heartaches.
    Yes, men can pull away but it may have nothing to do with you or your marriage.

    I've gone through the exact thing but lost my marriage. I am not saying this will happen to you but, where we went wrong, is that we didn't communicate.

    If you are able to get some counselling for your losses/grief that would be ideal.

    I'm sorry for all you've been through. I wish you the best

  16. #9
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    Hi Akara. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. We’ve been through the shredder the last few years as well. I actually think I’ve been on both sides of this.

    One thing I know now, being a few years further along than you, is that dealing with hard times apart rather than together, was a huge mistake. My husband went back to work within 48 hours of the death of our son shortly after birth. We never connected and it never came right.

    In the beginning my husband was distant and always working. I then resented him leaving me at home with a toddler while still recovering from the birth and death of our other son.

    Then I learned to stop relying on him emotionally.

    Now, I’m the distant one and he wants to connect. Trouble is that my husband is no longer part of my coping system and I have no idea how to get that back.

    Anyway, we’re in counselling. Should have started the counselling at the time the trauma was happening instead of waiting until years later.

    I think he probably does love you. If he’s like me, he’s probably feeling absolutely nothing for anyone or anything, which is a scary place to be.

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