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  1. #1
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    Default Believe my son?

    My 4 1/2 year old son recently said to me ‘I don’t like Dad and he puts his hands around my neck’ and he grabbed his neck tightly to show me! I am horrified and obviously told him that’s not ok for someone to do that to anybody. I asked if he told him to stop and he said he couldn’t because it was too tight!!! My son has always spoken well and given he showed me what happened I believe him. Children don’t lie about these things do they? His Dad and I are living together with 2 younger siblings. Should I speak to my partner about this or will he just deny it? My son has been a handful behaviourally since he had neurosurgery a couple of years ago but is not developmentally or in any other way affected. This is not like my partner to do this. He is not physically aggressive but can be a bit mean to our son sometimes saying things like ‘grow up’ and acting annoyed when he needs to do a poo in the toilet. Anyway, would you talk to your partner about it or believe your child and just end the relationship? TIA

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  3. #2
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    Definitely believe him and seek help

  4. #3
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    Don't say anything to your partner yet. Ask your son some more questions tomorrow. Things like 'so DS, you know how you told me you don't like daddy, can you tell me why again?'
    If he says he grabs his neck tightly, ask him when he has done that etc.
    Kids can make stuff up, he may have seen it on an ad or a show and now he is saying it happened to him. I gave my mum a very elaborate story of something my pre-school teacher did to me as a kid, but I had made the whole thing up, so it is possible it's not true.
    But I would definitely go with the intent of believing him because it's not something you want to brush off. Find out more from your DS and then approach your partner.

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    Californication (09-04-2019)

  6. #4
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    I agree with Full House. I’d be asking questions first - what has happened in the minutes leading up to it, how many times it’s happened, were they alone, does he do anything else, etc. keep your tone light and don’t ask leading questions - let him tell you in his own words, but repeat it back and ask for confirmation if needed. I’d also be asking if your DP had done anything else and tell your DS that it’s very serious and you believe him.
    Personally, if it was a one off, I’d be seeking family counseling. If it was a regular thing, I’d be packing my bags. I wouldn’t rule out counseling and keeping the family together, but in the short term, I wouldn’t stay in a house where my child was being hurt on a regular basis.

  7. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Californication View Post
    I agree with Full House. I’d be asking questions first - what has happened in the minutes leading up to it, how many times it’s happened, were they alone, does he do anything else, etc. keep your tone light and don’t ask leading questions - let him tell you in his own words, but repeat it back and ask for confirmation if needed. I’d also be asking if your DP had done anything else and tell your DS that it’s very serious and you believe him.
    Personally, if it was a one off, I’d be seeking family counseling. If it was a regular thing, I’d be packing my bags. I wouldn’t rule out counseling and keeping the family together, but in the short term, I wouldn’t stay in a house where my child was being hurt on a regular basis.
    This.

  8. #6
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    A week after he told me I asked him casually ‘is your neck ok’ thinking if it wasn’t true then he would have no idea what I’m talking about. He grabbed his neck and gritted his teeth angrily and said ‘where Dad grabbed me and he squeezed’. My Mum also vaguely asked him about it and my son said ‘it’s true’. He said I was at work and after his bath he wanted to keep playing rather than go to bed. Apparently it’s only happened once but I feel sick about it. My partner has been critical of myself and family and friends over the years but has never been physical towards me, which is why I’m surprised about this. I don’t really feel comfortable asking my partner about it but also don’t want it happening again. Thanks for your advice.

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    I would take your DS to a doctor ASAP. From there counselling to get to the bottom of it. I would also be going to the police and see what they say. I get you don't want to falsely accuse your husband but it is an extremely serious matter.

    Putting hands around someone's neck is strangulation. I used to think someone had to die for it to be called strangulation - they don't. It is classed as DV and as far as I know now comes with a jail sentence. Research has shown that a person can die from strangulation weeks later from internal damage.

    ETA link you may wish to read on the matter - https://www.health.qld.gov.au/__data...angulation.pdf

    Can carry a jail sentence of up to 7 years in qld. I am not sure what the situation is in other states.

    I would also strongly suggest you phone 1800 RESPECT for advice on what to do.
    Last edited by SSecret Squirrel; 10-04-2019 at 08:32.

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    i would always take any claims of abuse made by a child seriously. i can’t imagine how disempowering it would be to them to have their allegations dismissed. as the mother it’s your duty and obligation to look into this further and seek outside professional help if needed.

    is the partner your child’s bio dad? i can’t comprehend he would do something like this, but i guess abuse happens sadly

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  13. #9
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    I think everyone here has given good advice. I also want to add that you mention your partner has been critical of you and your family and friends over the years but never physical . Abuse isn’t just physical and consistent criticism is a a form of emotional abuse and it’s just as bad, if not worse than physical as it’s not obvious and some people don’t even realise it’s happening to them. I obviously don’t know details and am not saying he is emotionally abusive, but as soon as I read that sentence it was a red flag for me . Regardless, I hope you get some help for your situation and find a way to help you move forward in a healthy way for your family

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    Default Believe my son?

    Quote Originally Posted by Happymummy5 View Post
    A week after he told me I asked him casually ‘is your neck ok’ thinking if it wasn’t true then he would have no idea what I’m talking about. He grabbed his neck and gritted his teeth angrily and said ‘where Dad grabbed me and he squeezed’. My Mum also vaguely asked him about it and my son said ‘it’s true’. He said I was at work and after his bath he wanted to keep playing rather than go to bed. Apparently it’s only happened once but I feel sick about it. My partner has been critical of myself and family and friends over the years but has never been physical towards me, which is why I’m surprised about this. I don’t really feel comfortable asking my partner about it but also don’t want it happening again. Thanks for your advice.
    How long ago did it happen?


 

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