Looking for advice to help my wife cope.

[concernedhubby]

I'm probably the wrong sex to be posting in a forum such as this (I do hope it's not against the rules), but I'm looking for some advice to help my wife.

We met quite late in life, and by the time we got married and settled down, we were already getting a bit old for starting a family.

We have since been on a long journey of trying to conceive (including miscarriage and IVF) but have ultimately been unsuccessful.

Although I have made peace with the very real possibility of us not having children, my wife hasn't. It has been her lifelong dream, and as she starts to face the reality that she may never be a mother, she's having difficulty coping.

She doesn't have any friends without children, so she doesn't really have anyone else to look to for support. One friend tried to provide comfort by saying things like "I know how you feel", but although it was well intentioned, it's hard to hear coming from someone who already has healthy children.

My wife has tried some counselling, but I don't think she benefited much from this (though I think that had a lot to do with the counsellor).

I want to provide some comfort, but I just don't know what to say or how to help. I don't want to cheer her up with any false hope, nor do I want to mention that her lifelong dream may never happen. I do what I can, but I feel so useless.

I realise no one here is going to have a magic answer, but I'm hoping that someone might have some suggestions or strategies for me to try and help with her grief.

Thanks in advance,
Concerned Hubby

[Mod-LIKE A BOSS]

Hi! And welcome to BubHub. Definitely not against the rules and Dads, partners and others are always welcome.
I’m so sorry for your loss and that you and your wife haven’t been successful with IVF.
Perhaps if the counsellor wasn’t a good fit for your wife, perhaps another might help? Can your IVF clinic recommend someone experienced in this area?
The reality is, no matter how well meaning friends are, if they’re not experiencing the same they don’t understand.
As for the role you can play, I think this is a great start. Be there for her. Listen to her (as you obviously are) empathise with her.
Perhaps some other members who have experienced similar may chime in. I’m desperately ill equipped. But I know others have experienced this grief.
Also while you’re taking care of your wife don’t stop taking care of you too. Be kind to yourself.

[Mashie]

No real advice from me here as I’m not in that situation. Just wanted to say you sound like such a caring hubby. I know I’d want my hubby to just listen to me, be there for me and show that he loves me unconditionally.
I’m sure some of the other ladies can offer you some advice.
All the best, I really feel for both of you. I can only imagine how difficult it must be.

[turquoisecoast]

sorry to hear you’re going through this. i’ve got no real advice to offer but this forum is full of support. would your wife consider joining up and posting herself?

excuse the bluntness and it may well not be for you, but have you guys considered donor eggs? there’s quite a few threads and discussions going on about it so that could be an option if you’ve not considered this before?

[Nilza79]

Can i ask how old she is??

Ivf can be difficult as mostly done with own eggs , bit they age as we do. However there is always the possibility of egg donation if that’s something you’d consider.
The way that ive heard it best explained is
When baking a cake you have all the ingredients minus the egg. You borrow one. The cakes still yours. You made it and baked it. Your cake.

Might be worth considering as some clinics allow egg donation until 50

[Mod-Wise Enough]

I was going to suggest donor eggs too. Many overseas egg donations clinics are used to Aussie women travelling to them.

If that’s not for you, maybe travelling? Showing her how amazing life can be. It’s hard to change your dreams. It may be a very slow process for her. You do sound like a very caring hubby.

[Nilza79]

Can i ask how old she is??

Ivf can be difficult as mostly done with own eggs , bit they age as we do. However there is always the possibility of egg donation if that’s something you’d consider.
The way that ive heard it best explained is
When baking a cake you have all the ingredients minus the egg. You borrow one. The cakes still yours. You made it and baked it. Your cake.

Might be worth considering as some clinics allow egg donation until 50

Just a side note though egg donation isnt the magic pill either, weve just finished our 5th cycle with three failure to implant 1 miscarriage and 1 22 week
stillborn however we aren’t ready to give up yet.

Btw your awesome for trying to help and understand her feelings big congratulations there.

[gorgeousgeorge]

Welcome, i also wanted to add have you seen a fertility specialist to ask aboit whether donor ivf would work for you? I used donor embryos and have a little girl. I went overseas to greece to do it. It can be arranged in as soon as 8 weeks. If it sounds a little out there and unfamiliar to you, i really really suggest reading the donor ivf threads on greece and south africa. Even if its not something you have considered yet, reading those threads is what inspired me to try. There are literally hundred of women and couples doing this every year. If you cant find the threads, let me know and i will tag you in them. :-)

[gorgeousgeorge]

Oh and please dont feel weird about posting and joining because you're male. Id like to think bubhub is for everyone and anyone who needs help. Im also thinking that many of the ladies on thw forums would love to have someone as supportive of our baby dreams, even if it's not their ultimate dream, so im sure you will be welcomed. My hubby was like you and just wanted to help me do whatever i needed to, to be happy and for me, that was to become a mum. There are many many women like your wife on the donor ivf threads who have been throigh what she has been through in terms of lots of failed ivf, watching all our friends have babies and all the grief and anxiety that comes with fertility problems so even if you feel donor ivf isnt for you, the ladies in the donor ivf forums have expereinced all the emotions that come with longing for a baby for years so she would also be totally welcome to join and we can give her support. It can be very helpful to find many other women who do actually know what it feels like and to know that you aren't alone, even though it seems that way when everyone else you know have children.

[concernedhubby]

Thanks for all the wonderful replies, and thanks for making me feel so welcome.

Be there for her. Listen to her (as you obviously are) empathise with her.

Thank you, I just wish I could do more.

Just wanted to say you sound like such a caring hubby.

Shucks, thank you.

Would your wife consider joining up and posting herself?

I will certainly try to encourage her to do so (especially after experiencing the warmth firsthand) but she's a little withdrawn at the moment.

have you guys considered donor eggs?

We have, and we may well go down that path (if finances allow) but we are a mixed race couple, and I know how much she wants to raise a child that's part of both of us. This might sound really silly, but I know it means a lot to her.

Can i ask how old she is?

She turns 45 this year.

Just a side note though, egg donation isn't the magic pill either. We've just finished our 5th cycle with three failure to implant 1 miscarriage and 1 22 week stillborn however we aren’t ready to give up yet.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I do hope you are successful in the future.

I went overseas to greece to do it. It can be arranged in as soon as 8 weeks. If it sounds a little out there and unfamiliar to you, i really really suggest reading the donor ivf threads on greece and south africa. Even if its not something you have considered yet, reading those threads is what inspired me to try.

I will definitely look into this, thank you.


Thanks again for all of the replies.