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  1. #1
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    Default What can I tell my ex?

    Hi ladies,
    Sorry in advance for this rant!

    I’m in a really difficult situation and hoping to get some advice. I’m 24 & have just found out I’m 6 weeks pregnant.

    I was seeing a guy casually for a couple of months until mid Jan. After we broke up I resumed contact with my ex and became really close for a few weeks despite living in different states. He flew interstate to see me and we had sex twice. We had agreed to give LDR a chance while he was here, but when he got home, he said he couldn’t do it. I had already booked flights to go and see him a few days after he came to see me but he refused to meet me once I got there. One week later, I find out he has begun dating another woman. In our entire 6 years he has never dated anyone else, so I am incredibly hurt by this situation which is only compounded by the fact that I am now pregnant.

    I have already told my casual partner who is upset but will be there for me if the baby is his and is willing to take a paternity test once he/she is born. He is adamant that I tell my ex too, just in case baby is his.

    I’m 70-80% sure that it is my ex’s & his reaction would have some impact on what I feel I want to do.
    I have no idea how to bring this up with my ex. I know he will tell me that I did this to trap him, that I am lying, that I misled him into thinking I couldn’t get pregnant (I had a new IUD placed in early January and after lots of bleeding and pain, I found out that is hadn’t been place correctly and was too low/subsequently dislodged) etc.

    My ex has a tendency to ‘ghost’ me for months at a time when he gets annoyed (this has happened about 7 times in the last six years) and I fear that this will be no different.

    Has anyone experienced this before? What can I do/say to make this go as smoothly as possible? I feel so lost and so alone.

  2. #2
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    I guess you have to tell the truth. Isn’t that what you were going to do?

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by AlainaMae View Post
    Hi ladies,
    Sorry in advance for this rant!

    I’m in a really difficult situation and hoping to get some advice. I’m 24 & have just found out I’m 6 weeks pregnant.

    I was seeing a guy casually for a couple of months until mid Jan. After we broke up I resumed contact with my ex and became really close for a few weeks despite living in different states. He flew interstate to see me and we had sex twice. We had agreed to give LDR a chance while he was here, but when he got home, he said he couldn’t do it. I had already booked flights to go and see him a few days after he came to see me but he refused to meet me once I got there. One week later, I find out he has begun dating another woman. In our entire 6 years he has never dated anyone else, so I am incredibly hurt by this situation which is only compounded by the fact that I am now pregnant.

    I have already told my casual partner who is upset but will be there for me if the baby is his and is willing to take a paternity test once he/she is born. He is adamant that I tell my ex too, just in case baby is his.

    I’m 70-80% sure that it is my ex’s & his reaction would have some impact on what I feel I want to do.
    I have no idea how to bring this up with my ex. I know he will tell me that I did this to trap him, that I am lying, that I misled him into thinking I couldn’t get pregnant (I had a new IUD placed in early January and after lots of bleeding and pain, I found out that is hadn’t been place correctly and was too low/subsequently dislodged) etc.

    My ex has a tendency to ‘ghost’ me for months at a time when he gets annoyed (this has happened about 7 times in the last six years) and I fear that this will be no different.

    Has anyone experienced this before? What can I do/say to make this go as smoothly as possible? I feel so lost and so alone.
    I’m so sorry you’re in this difficult situation. Given his past behaviour perhaps it would be best to go into it with the expectation that he will probably not contact you for a while? I’m not saying that’s right on his part, but emotionally for you I think have very low expectations, & think about what you want to do going forward before you subject yourself to his reaction / opinions? xx

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  5. #4
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    Firstly I would think about what you want to do outside of what either of the potential dads want to do. Do you want to have this baby? Are you prepared to do that without the support of the dad either financially or emotionally?
    Once you have decided what you want to do then I would think about telling your ex.
    I also think you need to manage your expectations and think about what you’re hoping your ex will say versus what he’s likely to say, based on previous experience.
    I would perhaps approach it in a very practical way. Remember you have had some time to adjust to this news. He hasn’t.
    An email perhaps?
    Dear ABC,
    I need to let you know that I’m pregnant. It’s possible that it’s yours or one other person’s.
    I have decided I am having the baby / not having the baby (although if you’re not going to have the baby you might need to think about whether to tell him or not. But that’s another story) and wanted to let you know.
    Due date is X
    When you’ve had a chance to process, can you give me a call?
    Cheers
    AlainaMae

    No doubt you know this but keep in mind, your ex chose to be with someone else. It’s highly unlikely baby news will change that. That’s why I think it’s really important for you to make any decisions independently of what anyone else might do.

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  7. #5
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    This guy has ghosted you almost once a year for 7 years - for months at a time. I think deep down you already know he won't take kindly to the news. It doesn't sound like he's the type to get on a plane and rush to be by your side, all of a sudden ready to take on paternal responsibility.

    Your decision, at this point, should be based on likely reality - single parenthood. What implications will that have for you? Financially, career-wise, lifestyle and all the rest. In your shoes, I wouldn't even be giving him much thought - I'd be thinking about myself, my situation and what having a baby will mean - given that he could choose to limit involvement at child support payments and go on with life as usual. Meanwhile, you'll be doing the heavy lifting and, as you might know, it's damn hard doing it with a partner, let alone as a sole parent.

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    Jurodice (01-03-2019),Mod-Wise Enough (01-03-2019),SJ565 (01-03-2019)

  9. #6
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    I think all you can do is be upfront and honest and keep your expectations low. It's likely he'll have a poor reaction or not be in contact for some time.

    If there is anything you do expect or require of him in the short term let him know. Otherwise I'd probably just stick to basic information, not going into emotional responses or concerns about his response.


 

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