4yo DS hitting me

[Purple Poppy]

At that age I think time-out is more effective than just telling them how you feel. It’s incredibly boring for a 4 year old to sit somewhere for a length of time.
My DS went through a horrid stage at age 4. Just really naughty and irritating (knew exactly how to press my buttons). He’s an angel now at nearly 12 but my god, I did not enjoy 4 years old!

Nice to know that they do become nice eventually! Dd was perfect by the time she was 4 but ds just keeps getting more wild!!

[Californication]

Thanks all this is great advice.
He doesn’t seem to lose control in the flailing kind of way. He plans to hit me and does once and then that’s it. Or if I don’t react he comes back for a second go. He seems to hold back though so the hits aren’t full strength and I don’t have bruises or anything. He says, “mama if you don’t do x I’m going to hit you”.
Maybe I need to do more in the split second between him saying that and it happening?
His Dad’s is probably far more strict than my house. With me he’s like what @Stretched described, bossing me around like a slave - get me a drink, I want x, do this. And then he gets upset when I say no.
Most of the time his manners are great so I need to think more about what’s going on for him when he’s like this.
In the past I’ve given in a lot. So maybe that’s it too. He’s confused. He wants something. He’s angry he can’t have it.
I think the books are a good idea. And the time out. As soon as I tell him off, or put him in time out yesterday he immediately cries and wants a cuddle. Yesterday I made him stay in time out and then cuddled him afterwards when he came out and tried to talk to him about what happened.

Mine are older so may not work, but when they are fighting now (usually instigated by DD who will often hit DS if he won't do what she wants) I ask if they are being kind, and usually get a no, and we can then talk about why. Having said that, she's spent a bit of time in her room in time out the last 2 weeks. (I think they are just sick of each other after 6 weeks of hols. She's not normally this bad).

Maybe when he says I'm going to hit you, say "that's not very nice. It hurts mummy when you talk like that" and hope it makes him pause and think. You can then ask him why he's feeling that way.

With the demanding, I'd simply say you forgot your manners, or not until you use your manners. Mine have done this at various stages and I have said variations of that. If they the. Use manners, they get their drink or whatever (unless it's a great I had no intention of giving). If they don't, they don't.

Biggest advice is stop giving in. I know it's natural after the 18 months you've had and wanting to try to keep him happy through the upheaval, but giving in to them over everything creates a monster. I did it with DD when she was a horrible witch as the tantrums were massive and I didn't have time to deal with them at school pick up and drop off times, (the octopus analogy above is a good one. Trying to put one in a car to get DS from school was a freaking nightmare) and she got to know it and it just made things worse in the long run.

My last suggestion is to talk to him when he's happy and ask why he does it. Ask him if that's how the other kids treat ExDHead's GF. I'd suggest you talk to the Ex about consistent parenting and having the same level of discipline in each house (eg meeting in the middle if he's overly strict) but we all know that wouldn't work.

[shadowangel0205]

At 4 (and occasionally still at 7)
I explain that it's perfectly ok to feel angry, or upset, but they're not allowed to hurt others or be rude... if they're going to do xyz, they need to go to their room until they're ready to behave nicely...
it took a bit of work...but it really helped ds1 (ds2 isn't quite 4 but he is 500x more head strong than ds1 )
I used to tell ds1 if he was angry, he could stamp his feet, make fists and let them go, or yell into his pillow... eventually he could verbalize "that's making me angry!" And now pre-empts with "that will make me angry if it doesn't stop" so I feel we've come a long way.

As for the demanding, if I'm not busy and they ask me nicely, I'll usually do most things. If they demand I do something, I just say "excuse me?" Politely, and they usually repeat it, at which point they usually pick up on the manners and correct themselves.
If it doesn't work, I'll rephrase what they ask for them...
e.g.
Mum get my drink.....Excuse me?.......Mum can you get me a drink please?
Or...
Mum get my drink.... excuse me?..... Get my drink...sorry darling, do you mean to say "Mum can you please get me a drink?"....yeah.....ok??....oh! Mum can you please get me a drink?....sure.
They do know I refuse to do things if they don't ask nicely. Even ds2