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  1. #11
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    Run!! You and your children deserve better.

  2. #12
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    Default Would you try again?

    I felt stressed reading that. Run! Get your daughter some counselling/support. She will be ok if

  3. #13
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    hi working mum

    i just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this difficult situation. Objective advice or not for whoever gives it the reality of feeling vulnerable is undeniable in such situations and these are not the times when anyone feels like making big life decisions.

    I am just going to put it out there in case this helps.

    From my observations relationships are built they are not found and depending on our life experiences, the skills we manage to acquire or dont get the chance to develop we can build healthy or unhealthy relationships. Sometimes one person is really damaged and the other person tries to cope in ways that unintentionally make it worse etc etc Most often I think people are both damaged in their own ways..

    The problem with unhealthy relationships is that we still feel connected to the work we have put in even if they make us feel bad and sometimes just feeling something even if its bad feels better then being alone or facing having to work out what went wrong and how we helped to make it what it is. Noone wants to fail so the temptation can be to focus on trying again when trying again just means doing the same unhealthy things.

    When things get to the point where a relationship becomes abusive and people have different definitions of this I am sure. I would say that when a couple starts hurting each others self esteem physically or emotionally then this is a clear sign that they have tried everything they know and they have run out of ways of resolving conflict or building bridges so they are in their own ways just trying to shut the other person down and the only way to do this is to control them in some way. When a relationship becomes abusive neither person has the skills to go on in any meaningful way in any way that anyone would actively choose. Noone wakes up and says I want a relationship and imagines feeling bad.

    I am not saying that people cannot learn new skills and build healthy relationships I am saying that without time and assistance to learn those skills and the self awareness that this is what is required trying again means more of the same so why do it? Only if you ahve been doing it so long neither of you think you deserve to be in a kind and happy relationship.

    In the big picture taking time to heal , get some perspective and learn why something didnt work and what would make it work seems a more sensible and kind way to proceed for both of you and perhaps a life saving way.

    Take care of yourself

    sweeti xxxx

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  5. #14
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    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. One thing struck a chord with me. Where he said those on his side say you should make it work. You.
    There is no acceptance there that he has to do anything different.

    That’s pretty telling for me.

    It is hard separating. It is hard parenting alone - whether that’s all the time or 50/50. Financially things might be really tough.

    But those things pale in comparison to what staying will do to you, your heart, your self esteem, your health.

    If he was making real efforts to change or get help I might think differently. But it doesn’t appear he is

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  7. #15
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    Wait,so he has behaved terribly and mistreated you, is controlling and verbally abusive, yet the counsellor told you that you should allow him full access to your phone so that you can regain his trust. I would be getting a new counsellor. For just you. Not marriage counselling, but someone to support you and you alone.

    In terms of your question, I wouldn't look back. Do not go back to him. Abusive men rarely if ever change. He will say and do anything at this stage to get you back and once he has you it will be infinitely harder to get away a second time. You may find yourself pregnant and not working, he may get a new job a thousand kilometres away and you are suddenly isolated, meantime he will treat your worse and you and your children will suffer. How do I know this? Well, unfortunately I've lived it, plus abusive men all follow a very similar pattern.

    You may get some benefit from reading Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that" available on Amazon. It has a checklist for identifying real change. He also delves into why marriage counselling with an abusive man is a bad idea.

    In terms of your exh relaying what other people have told him. Just ignore it. Do not engage. From my experience, it will be lies or he has left out so many facts that they aren't responding to the actual situation.

    ETA I would also be seriously looking at the 50/50 custody arrangement. It sounds like he is denigrating you to the children and blaming you for the breakup. This is not on and creates a very unhealthy environment for your children to grow up in. For a 50/50 custody arrangement to work, you need to be able to trust your ex to be a decent parent and put the child's interest first. Your ex is an abusive man and that would be an impossibility for him. At the very least, it sounds like your daughter is not coping. I got my kids into a children't counselling service for children with divorced parents. It was called something along the lines of supporting children after separation and run by LIfeline / Unitingcare. There may be similar in your area.
    Last edited by SSecret Squirrel; 24-11-2018 at 23:02.

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  9. #16
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    I’ve never responded to one of these posts as I know the situations are always so complex and so easy for outsiders to comment.

    Some questions I’d ask myself if I was in the same position:
    - what would you think/advise if your daughters were in this kind of marriage?
    - what if it was your best friend?

    Without sounding too cliche, love is too short to live in a marriage that is hard work or doesn’t make you totally happy/complete. I think a good marriage requires a couple to work hard at it but it shouldn’t be hard work.

    You deserve so much better, so do your girls. They should see you treated with respect, always as that’s how they should expect to be treated.

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  11. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mod-LIKE A BOSS View Post
    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. One thing struck a chord with me. Where he said those on his side say you should make it work. You.
    There is no acceptance there that he has to do anything different.

    That’s pretty telling for me.
    yeah this stood out for me too. he’s the perpetrator and he’s saying it’s somehow your fault. total inability to own his errors, take responsibility for his mistakes, show remorse etc. that to me speaks volumes about his character.

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  13. #18
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    Default Would you try again?

    So sorry to hear you’re going through this, and there has been some awesome advice already said.

    I just wanted to add, after reading your post and considering how hard it is to break-up when you have children to consider.... I would leave this relationship, I would leave because I couldn’t live with the muck raking that I think you would have to endure amongst everything else. The fact that he tells you what everyone else is saying/recommending, just screams of no accountability and of blaming you I’m afraid.

    All the best with going forward, I hope you and your DD will have support. X

  14. #19
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    My first thought reading this was simply "wtf". I don't believe that a good relationship should be hard. Some efforted required, yes, but not that hard. It should come fairly naturally to want to be with and compromise with the person you click so well with.

    Since you have bared so much of yourself here, I will too. Years ago we went through iui/ivf which failed horribly. It hit us really hard but I didn't realise just how hard it hit hubby. He started coming home later and later and being a bit distant. I turned to a male friend who was always there and ended up leaving hubby. A couple of months later hubby came to me and gave a big speech about how much he missed/loved me. I still loved him and came back.

    I know this all may sound like it contradicts my first paragraph but our reunion still was not extremely hard. We didn't go to counseling, only because we decided it wasn't for us, but we were very open with each other and talked everything through. I was devastated with how I had hurt hubby, as was he of course, but he also acknowledged his part on why it happened.

    I would never have gone back if he was abusive. One of the things that hit me hard with your story was your forced abortion. While it should have been something you both discussed, at the end of the day it should have been your decision and he should have supported you through it.

    While you have a lot of outsiders commenting here, this is your decision. We do only have one side of the story. It does seem to me like you have already made up your mind and are looking for confirmation. Good luck with it all

  15. #20
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    As hard as it is for you, run a mile. You deserve better. Your girls deserve better. ♥️


 

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