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  1. #1
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    Default Would you try again?

    Please don’t quote this as I may delete it.

    I need some objective advice as everyone I know IRL has an agenda leaning their advice one way or another..

    My husband and I separated 6 weeks ago. I was the one to leave after 2 years of mistreatment and I’m deciding whether to give our marriage one more go.

    - My husband bankrupted himself without my knowledge 2 days before our wedding 2.5 years ago
    - Last year I fell pregnant unexpectedly, he refused to consider keeping it even when I took him to counselling because I was so devastated. He told me if I kept it I would almost certainly be doing it alone. I ended up terminating as I felt I owed it to my two current daughters to keep the family together
    - He had an emotional (as far as I can prove but I suspect also physical) affair with our youngest daughters daycare educator. Another educator contacted me to inform me 2 days after I had said termination

    After these 3 major events (all within 18 months) I kissed a colleague at a work function 3 weeks after the termination and affair came to light. My husband became controlling and manipulative over the past 12 months citing insecurities over what I had done. We’ve attended marriage counselling during this time, the counsellor advised to regain his trust i should allow access to my phone which I have done, and his behaviour marginally improved however his insecurities around my workplace never went away to the point he told me to either resign or sign divorce papers... I refused to resign given the state of our marriage (with the thinking that if I was to end up alone I’ll need a job to support our 2 daughters)... this wasn’t the catalyst to me leaving though, it was when he threatened to send the (now ex) partner of the colleague I kissed telling her what had happened between us in September last year.

    My husbands behaviour since we separated does not indicate any change or improvement, he has been verbally abusive and also told our 7 year old it is my fault we aren’t all living together and she is clearly affected by our separation.

    Would you try again?
    Given the above what conditions would be in place?


    To add.. I never put any restrictions on my husbands behaviour after his indiscretions, I never looked through his phone, I chose to believe that if he wanted to leave he would do so.

  2. #2
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    I would leave.

  3. #3
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    Default Would you try again?

    From what you’ve described, no I wouldn’t.

    It must be an incredibly tough situation, but those do not sound like the actions of a person who’s truly committed to building a respectful relationship with you.

  4. #4
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    Gosh what a horrible time you’ve been having.

    As an objective onlooker I would say walk away but I know when you are in the situation that is very hard.

    Have you had individual counseling? This may really help you work through some emotions and sort things out in your head.

  5. #5
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    Not being invested emotionally, I'd say run. Run hard and fast in the other direction, and never look back.

    But being in the situation there's so much more to consider... I understand your children may be feeling the effects of your separation, but your ex-dh is it of line placing the blame on you. That's causing them to have a biased opinion of you and they *may* grow up thinking you've ruined their family, or whatever rubbish he's feeding them.
    What really should be said is something along the lines of "sometimes, as much as mummys and daddies try to live together, it doesn't work out that way, and it's not a happy place for anyone if mummy and daddy aren't happy. Mummy and daddy love you so very much, and we want everyone to be happy. Mummy and daddy are actually happier in our own houses, but how lucky are you? You get to have TWO happy Homes this way, and that's pretty special!"

    Would you feel ok with his behavior, given it likely hasn't changed?
    Do you think you can be happy again?

    If you do consider trying again, I highly suggest counselling both individually and as a couple.... and I'd be making sure you're both on the same page with what you're expecting from each other and willing to give of yourself to the other, with very clear boundaries, and deal breakers set out up front.
    Last edited by shadowangel0205; 24-11-2018 at 20:32.

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  7. #6
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    Default Would you try again?

    Thank you. I need objective opinions, my husband tells me everyone in his support network says I should make it work (I’m not sure though what exactly he’s told them) everyone in mine says they can see the changes these events have caused in me (anxiety mainly) and that it isn’t worth it. I am going to begin individual counselling through my workplaces EAP and also utilise this for our 7 yo as she has begun wetting herself and crying a lot because I “made her have two homes.” She places blame on me as a result of what he has said to her. Our custody arrangement is 50/50 so I’m not around to hear what is being said all the time.

    My husband vows he’ll change but his behaviour is as erratic as ever, I do love him still in ways but I’m emotionally drained and feel it isn’t good for my mental health to stay. My husbands view point is that it’s not valid to walk away after only 2 years of marriage (we’ve been together 8 years) because it’s “only” been 2 years of tough times but I can honestly say the last 2 years have been the worst of my life.

    About 5 months ago I kicked him out and told him he needed to change or I was gone and it would be for the last time, so I feel I do not owe it to him anymore to try however he is placing massive guilt and pressure on me which is causing me to question this decision.
    Last edited by theworkingmum; 24-11-2018 at 20:37.

  8. #7
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    @shadowangel - I approach our kids with that narrative - that we love them and sometimes Mums and Dads become friends and it doesn’t work being married so we are friends who are lucky enough to have the two of them as well, but my husband is a highly emotional person and I don’t think he can hide his feelings (I don’t cry or fight in front of them where as he does).

  9. #8
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    I agree with shadowangel, I would run. Sounds like he’s only happy when he’s getting his own way.

    Things are tough now but you will get through this. You deserve to be happy. You deserve someone who listens to you and makes an effort.

    If you took him back now all you’re doing is teaching him your threats of leaving are empty and he doesn’t have to change.

  10. #9
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    if my partner did ONE of those things you listed, i’d leave. yours has done all 3, and not shown any remorse or signs of change. what are you waiting for? he’s a dud, not going to change. don’t waste more years or tears on this oxygen thief. i’m also in the dump and run camp on this one.

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  12. #10
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    I have serious doubts he would ever change. As hard as it is, I would definitely leave x


 

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