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  1. #21
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    If it’s an ice cream then I say no more ice creams. My girls are messy but they are never rude, so I don’t get yelled at for telling them. The rudeness might be coming still .

    If they argued about flavours or anything I just say I don’t care, it’s all gone. They never argue about it though and just do it, though I do have to keep pointing out things they missed. If they refused I would not buy that item again.

    Clothes and toys are harder. More whining there about cleaning up.

  2. #22
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    Op, have you tried seeing if there's any parenting courses for older children in your area? Would you consider attending one if there is?
    I'm not even sure if they exist for older children??? But they may have some effective suggestions for techniques to try? Its just a thought. It sounds like you're really needing support and if such as thing exists it might be useful for you?

    It also sounds like your dd could be struggling with her emotions/feelings, which is causing the escalation?
    Maybe you could try implementing something for when she starts yelling or having tantrums? If my 7yo starts yelling or is disrespectful, I first say "please don't speak to me like that. That's very rude". Usually that's enough to stop him now.
    Sometimes he continues, and I will ask him to leave the room until he can speak nicely. When he comes back, calm, I remind him it's ok if he's angry, BUT he can not be rude/call names.... that speaking that way is unacceptable and I just won't listen to what he has to say when he's being rude.
    It took only a few goes, and now once I say to please dont speak to me like that, he now changes. I've been doing this for about 2yrs now though.
    We've had lots of talks In that time about anger being ok - but he's not to hurt people or be rude, he can leave the room then scream in his pillow, clench his fists, stomp his feet etc until he's calm, then come back. We've talked about how sometimes emotions get so big we struggle to control them, and I'm always there to help if he needs etc... but it's been an evolving process to get to a point where when I call him on it, he can self regulate.

    I would just like to provide solve food for thought with this??? "Which is the point of a punishment - it makes her life worse and mine easier." Im not quite sure that's how it works. I mean, time out with/for a tantrumming 3yo does not make my life easier at all, but it has to be done. It's more about helping them realise that they need to not do certain things but often times it won't make our life easier

  3. #23
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    Yes, I agree with @shadowangel0205. You may find Triple P helpful. It’s likely to be offered in your area.

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by tiddles01 View Post
    We very much have a schedule. She has a good balance of scheduled activities and free play. I can't think of any housework that she would help with without it being another thing for me to nag her about. Same as with my husband, it's easier to just do it myself than ask him 10 times to do it.
    It may feel easier in the short term to do it all yourself but you are setting yourself up for a life of servitude. I'm afraid that it is hard work teaching children to clean up after themselves and contribute to running a home, but it's essential hard work or you'll just end up burnt out and resentful in the long run, with spoiled kids.

  5. #25
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    The problem with courses is, I probably can't attend half the sessions due to my husband's work. Being somewhere at a specific time without kids is a 50/50 for me, any time of the day, any day of the week. And to be honest, I think I have done so much reading about parenting that what they would say in a course is stuff I already know. I am familiar with Triple P. What U struggle with is the non-textbook situations that happen where the kids don't do what the books says they will. It was the same with sleep when they were younger, the standard solutions never worked.
    I have tried telling her not to speak to me rudely, to leave until she calms down etc. But if she's in a really bad state, it doesn't work. She just keeps screaming at me and even if I try not to engage with her at all and not yell back etc, she will keep it up for a good while.
    And yes I agree the point of punishment is not really to make their life harder and mine easier. It's for them to learn something. But too many times the punishment I implement has more of an effect on myself than her. Like not going somewhere I actually want to go, not getting to have a play date so she has to stay home which means I can't do the work I need to do etc. Not going to a class that I have paid for, her sister missing out on something as well and me feeling bad about it. So I try to pick things that will actually make life easier for me, like taking her to do something she wants to do but I don't really want to.

  6. #26
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    Yes I agree with this and that is why I am persevering with teaching her to clean up after herself. I was just trying to say I don't think this is the right time to also ask her to start contributing to other shared household tasks when I have enough trouble trying to get her to do her personal responsibilities.

  7. #27
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    This just popped up in my fb feed. It is webinar based, so you wouldn't need to attend a course.

    https://www.facebook.com/PositiveParentingSolutions/

  8. #28
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    Maybe ask her to cclean up something you messed?
    When she refuses you can explain how much you clean up after her.

    My kids complain about cleaning up but we are getting there. If i ask them to fetch me something they say you do it yourself. Then i try and explain how much i do for them, and that next time i ll tell them to eg. Do their hair themselves..that usually helps but i do need to keep reminding them. Of course i can do everything myself but i would like my kids to be considerate and nice too

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