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  1. #1
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    Default BLINDSIGHTED by break up

    My second eldest daughter, from my first marriage, is 21 and has been in a long term relationship since she was 17, they moved in together, have a house together, she is in her last year of university doing social work and has been offered a full time job for next year from the place where she is currently, as in right in the middle of, doing her final placement. Everything seemed fabulous....

    Then last night her boyfriend, who is 23, gets home from a fishing trip and breaks up with her without any warning, no signs, nothing. Obviously she is beyond devastated. Apparently he has decided he wants to be single, doesnt want any stress and wants to, get this, move back in with his MOTHER! He did lose his father to cancer earlier this year, his mother is not really coping and I seriously think she is the one behind this sudden break up.

    Im not sure what to even say or do in this situation. She has moved in with her older sister. I'm trying to be there for her, but I have several younger children from my current marriage including a newborn, so it isnt like there is room for her to move in here.

    My ex husband lives in Adelaide and is using this as an opportunity to try and convince her to move to the city he is in, rather than stay in the country town we live in. I have so many mixed emotions about it. It is like he just wants to stick it to me one more time by having her move away from me and her siblings here, but that is a long story. He has always tried to convince her to move and has gone out of his way to 'get her on side', whereas I've tried to stay neutral constantly, and been the 'bigger person' putting her first.

    Does anyone have any advice. I love her so much and find it really hard to separate my feelings from hers, it feels like it is happening to me, which logically I know is isnt. But as the saying goes "You're only as happy as your least happy kid" !

    Im trying hard not to be selfish, but my main thought is that she will now give up the full time job she has been offered and be convinced to move 5 hours away. I'm kind of OVER being the 'bigger person' with the ex husband, he has always been an opportunist. I honestly dont want her to move 5 hours away and give up a great full time job opportunity, to go be unemployed and live with her father when I know his only actual motive is sticking it to me. BUT I am not sure what to say about that.

  2. #2
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    Your poor, poor daughter what an a$$ of a move on her boyfriends part
    Do you and her sister live in the same town?
    I think she really just needs her mum right now... be there for her, let her talk if she wants, let her cry
    I've never been through anything like this, but I just hope you can maybe encourage/convince her to take some time to work through her emotions, put a plan in place and to think about things before she makes any rash decisions.

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    wow. There is so many people involved in this. Your daughter has to decide for herself where she wants to go from here. If she has some time to consider the options, she must try to direct her thoughts to what she wants for her future. This will not be easy because she will need to go though some grief for the lost relationship. Is it possible that the boyfriend will change his mind and not go back to his mum. ?? It is kinda understandable, if his mum is really not coping, and he feels he is more needed there than with your daughter. As for your exh, I wonder if he is really just trying to upset you, or could he be thinking of what is best.? I suggest your daughter takes as much time as she can and really size up every possible outcome. I hope she is able to choose the best path for her long term future. hugs, marie.

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    It is super hard. At the moment we all live in the same town in Victoria. So both my older girls are here with me. Im hoping my 21 year old wont be pressured by her father to move, her whole life has been here, we moved here when she was 3. Yes my ex H would be trying to "win", that has pretty much been his motive from when we divorced on... luring the girls away, but that'd be a whole other post!

    Her boyfriend is nice but he seems very young for his age, maybe even depressed after the death of his father, but his mother is sneaky and manipulative but that could also be out of desperation and empty nest syndrome. It is hard to be mad at him, he is struggling I think... but I just want my baby to be happy! As the saying goes , as a mum "you're only as happy as your least happy kid!"

    I also think once someone has 'broken up' with you, it is very hard to trust them again, so I think the relationship is over regardless. You'd be living on egg shells never knowing if he was going to leave again.

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    I don’t think the boyfriend has done anything wrong, he may have fallen out of love with her, and it’s as simple as that? Better now than later on.
    If they have a house together, wouldn’t they sell that and work out a settlement? So she should be able to rent somewhere and carry on as she is now?
    Sorry but I feel you are blowing this out if proportion. She is old enough to make up her own mind where she lives, surely she sees the opportunities presented in her current state with finishing uni and working. However if she wants to move closer to her father that should be ok too? The only thing I’d advise is that no major decisions are made while she is grieving. A very similar thing happened to me in my early 20s and this was the advice I got.

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    Default BLINDSIGHTED by break up

    My boyfriend (now dh) dumped me out of the blue about 4-5 years in. Felt too young to be in a serious relationship and single life was painted as freedom by his fellow mates (you mentioned he had just been on a fishing trip).
    He came crawling back less than a week later saying he made a big mistake.
    It’s can be scary to find the “one” so soon and feel you are not get a chance at the single life, they are still very young. He still may be unsure and that’s sensible to take a break.

    As it only happened last night I think it’s important not to catastrophize. It may not be a permanent break. Or your daughter may sob for a few days straight then realise it’s for the best. It’s also ok for her to choose her path, or take a break, she can always get back on track after. It’s her break up, not yours (I know it’s hard being a mother and helpless). Just be there to support her.

    Also, watch what you say in case they ever get back together, your daughter will remember it
    Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 02-10-2018 at 14:18.

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    I think you're prematurely stressing over something that may not even happen.
    It's unlikely your dd will up and move before completing her final placement, so she has time to move forward from the break up (that's if they don't get back together) and make decisions with some proper thought.

    Your ex may be doing it as an up yours, or he may care about his daughter and offered it as support and so she has options. Given he knows less than a day after they broke up and you're worried that she may actually move, they obviously have some form of a reasonable relationship.

    She's an adult and, while it hurts to see your kids hurt, all you can do is be there for her.

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    Quote Originally Posted by MummaOJ View Post
    I don’t think the boyfriend has done anything wrong, he may have fallen out of love with her, and it’s as simple as that? Better now than later on.
    If they have a house together, wouldn’t they sell that and work out a settlement? So she should be able to rent somewhere and carry on as she is now?
    Sorry but I feel you are blowing this out if proportion. She is old enough to make up her own mind where she lives, surely she sees the opportunities presented in her current state with finishing uni and working. However if she wants to move closer to her father that should be ok too? The only thing I’d advise is that no major decisions are made while she is grieving. A very similar thing happened to me in my early 20s and this was the advice I got.
    100% agree, while it is sad the BF hasn’t done anything wrong.

    I had a horrific breakup at 23, weeks before we were due to get married. I was totally lost initially but as time went on I was ok and now can clearly see that it was for the best.

    Guide her and be a listening ear but I don’t think you need to drop everything and accomodate her nor do I think you can stop her moving to the city.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Little Miss Sunshine View Post
    Also, watch what you say in case they ever get back together, your daughter will remember it
    OH YES!! I am very careful.... my eldest daughter broke up with her boyfriend ( but I was super happy about that one!! He was awful) and I let it rip on what I really thought, then 2 weeks later they got back together!!!! Luckily, for me, she dumped him about 3 weeks later, but that could have been majorly awkward had he ended up my son in law

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    I would never stop her moving to the city, but if you knew her father you'd realise why I am very hesitant to encourage it!


 

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