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  1. #1
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    Default Help with my 5 year olds behaviour 😩

    I posted in another thread a few weeks ago about my 5yo daughters feral behaviour and that taking things away like the iPad and other privileges don’t work.

    Since then, when she’s being feral, we don’t take things off her but have tried asking her if she needs to go somewhere quiet to cool down. She never does, and still doesn’t cool down (which a few people mentioned in the other thread). She’s on board with the idea in happy times but not when she has snapped. So basically we’re not doing anything for her poor behaviour.

    This morning, she woke up and came and got into our bed and her baby brother was asleep in our bed. I told her quietly and calmly “don’t wake your brother”, she heard me, but then woke him up on purpose, despite me repeating it a few more times while she attempted to wake him. I told her if she can’t respect me and my rules in my bedroom, she won’t be allowed to get in my bed in the morning anymore. Of course, screaming ensued. After a number of warnings, hubby picked her up and took her to her bedroom and she’s now in there playing lego (which isn’t usually allowed yet - she’s not allowed to play until she’s completely ready for school 🤦‍♀️). So we’re either directly rewarding her bad behaviour or not having any consequences for it because we can’t find consequences that work.

    She does respond somewhat to positive reinforcement but when she snaps and gets in this mindset, there’s no talking her out of it. I make a big deal of when she’s respectful, polite, well behaved in general but it doesn’t stop her getting into that mindset. Therefore I don’t know if a reward chart would work and also, I don’t want to be having to buy her rewards all the time.

    Please help, I’m at a loss

    ETA just wanted to add, I know she’s 5, learning to control her emotions and shouldn’t be expected to know how to behave like an adult yet. But I can’t let her behave like this with no response or she’s still going to be chucking tantrums when she’s an adult
    Last edited by JR03; 14-09-2018 at 06:00.

  2. #2
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    Default Help with my 5 year olds behaviour 😩

    Rewards should not be things that can be bought. It should be spending time with you or her dad. So the reward chart is a good idea but the she gets to choose an outing with you or dad that’s just her and not her brother. Sometimes it can just be that you’re not going to read with her that night or lay in bed with her because she didn’t listen.

    Is there any way you can stop it before it escalates? Explain to her that her brother might break her toys or choke on things and that’s why you need the door closed.

  3. #3
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    Sorry, meant to reply not thank!

    We've been dealing with more serious behaviour with DS (hitting, damage plus general defiance) but he reacts in a similar way when told off/stopped from doing what he's doing - very ragey and takes ages to calm down. We've tried taking things (worked a treat with his big sister, just had to threaten to take her favourite toy) but it just doesn't work for him.

    We've done a massive overhaul to try to improve his behaviour in general. This has resulted in less problem behaviour to start with, so less times we need to the him off. We both work full time so it's easy to get lax with dinners at odd times in front of the TV, letting the kids watch a bit more TV while we finished off things we had to do and just generally not following routines well as WE are so tired. So now it's 6pm dinner, at the table and no kids TV at all through the week. Our kids don't have devices typically (DD has a mini tablet, but prefers to read books - lol).

    We also introduced a sticker chart for good listening, good packing away and calming down quickly. Plus we did a massive clearout of his toys.

    When he goes ragey we ask him to sit on a step or go to his room to calm down. We can both still lift and carry him if needed. Calming down can take up to half an hour. Once he's calm we then discuss consequences, apologies etc. There is no point during the rage.

    He has these issues at daycare and kinder as well, so we've also worked with them both to ensure consistency. As their routines are very consistent, recognising the initial stages of him becoming agitated and changing his activity helps prevent problems. Good luck.

  4. #4
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    Honestly it's been a long road with my now 5 year old, with behaviours similar to yours from the age of 2 and just continuing. She would have out of control screaming fits that scared her sisters and would last for ages. As she is now 5.5 she has dropped from probably every second day to maybe once a month but still has them.

    We tried everything from time outs and time ins (a parent staying with her at all times), taking things away, talking about feelings etc. And plenty of losing my own temper at times. I'm not sure any of it really helped *except* constantly reiterating the rules and boundaries, constantly telling her what was acceptable and what wasn't, yes definitely praising her positive choices, and also filling up her cup with a lot of one on one time and love and cuddles etc.

    I can see these things have made a change because she would start to apologise and own her actions and say when they were wrong and she was trying to change. It was heart melting really to see her make that connection, that she didn't want to act that way. And it helped a lot with my patience towards her.

    To be honest I don't think though that you can expect a 5 year old that has just woken up to lie quietly in bed and not wake other siblings! Mine wouldn't be able to for longer than a moment.

  5. #5
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    My 5yo DS has recently been diagnosed with ASD so this is coming from a slightly different angle. I am in no way suggesting that your DD has ASD but some of the strategies we use may be helpful.

    The most important thing for us is trying to understand what triggers his behaviour. It is not poor behaviour but him telling us that he can't cope with something. Once we know what that is, we can address the cause of it rather than the effect if that makes sense.

    We have a reward chart that has a number of daily and weekly tasks that he has to complete. It includes listening to mum & dad and being kind to his sister. The first one is something that he struggles with all the time You just have to make sure that you can actually measure what success is (we have set some parameters for this). He has to get a certain number of ticks each week and he can choose the reward that he gets.His options include extra technology, special outing day with one of us, tuck shop, dinner choice etc. He is responding well to it but he is definitely the type of kid who wants to see what's in it for him

    The other thing that has helped is that I have made him a calming crate for his room. It has a number of different sensory and fidget items in it (google calming crate for ideas). We only use it when he needs to calm down and not as a general play thing. If we can see that he's getting worked up, we'll ask him to go to his room & get it out. Sometimes, he asks for me to do his calming crate with him which I always try to do. Once he calms down, we can usually talk about how he's feeling.

    The most important thing though is that there is no use trying to talk to a kid who is in meltdown as they can't function emotionally. You need to either identify the triggers and act quickly to prevent it or wait until they're calm and do some reflection.

    Edited to say: DS will read in his room quietly until it's time to get up in the morning. Is this an option for you?

  6. The Following User Says Thank You to Amber4304 For This Useful Post:

    LoveMyWay  (14-09-2018)

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    Thanks so much everyone for the detailed responses, I really appreciate it.

    Something I meant to say in my OP but forgot; what do you do when there’s no time to sit quietly with them or whatever the action may be, e.g. when it’s time to leave for school? Because sometimes the meltdown will be because I’ve asked her to come and get her hair done or put her shoes on so we can go to school. I give her notice, “in 2 minutes I’m going to ask you to come and sit down so I can do your hair” “in 1 minute” “ok it’s time to come and sit down to get your hair done” but doesn’t always prevent it if she’s doing something she’s really interested in. Just wondering how others handle these time constraints?

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    I normally give a longer count down and change it depending on what he's doing. So I start at 10 minutes and then give him 5, 3, 2 etc. if he's reading a book (which is normally the case for him) I ask him how long he's got to go to the end and tell him upfront if he's going to have time to finish it or not. I'll often tell him to do things once he's finished reading that book or whatever he's doing if it's short enough.

    If he's playing with a toy that he can take into the car I normally let him do that but tell him he has to do whatever I want first.

    It sounds like a checklist of some sort would be helpful. DS knows that he can't read etc until he's dressed and has his bag packed for school. His reward chart has the steps needed to get ready in the morning ie brush teeth, get dressed, make bed, pack bag.

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    Little Miss Sunshine  (14-09-2018)

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    Default Help with my 5 year olds behaviour 😩

    .
    Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 14-09-2018 at 19:19.

  11. #9
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    Default Help with my 5 year olds behaviour 😩

    My children are not allowed to play anything until they are ready to go. I work 3 days week so out the door between 7:15-7:45 depending on if I have a morning meeting at work. If they aren’t ready to walk out the door then they can’t play/watch tv.

    I have taken my 5 year old to before school care with no shoes or socks on because she wouldn’t put them on. She learnt real quick that I would not compromise on that.
    Last edited by BigRedV; 14-09-2018 at 18:55.

  12. #10
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    I ask them to do something, and if they don’t I start slowly counting down from 5. Works well but one day I know they will push the boundaries. A couple of times when I’ve gotten to zero I’ve said things like “no junk food/iPad for the rest of the week” or something similar.

    My 7yo is pretty good but the 4yo can get ragey when she doesn’t get her way. Screaming tantrum. It’s gotten worse lately and I think it’s anxiety about starting school.

    I also often ask them at the end of the day or am outing if they’ve been good or naughty so they have to reflect back on the choices they’ve made. We went out to dinner last night and they were angels and when I asked they both said good. When they’ve been acting up they say “I was a bit silly today”. I think it helps them take some ownership, both good and bad.


 

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