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  1. #1
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    Unhappy My mum doesn't like my daughter

    My mum I believe is a narcissist, she has been hard work my entire life and we have been on and off again a few times with our relationship.

    She has very clearly created the "golden child" and "scapegoat" dynamic with my kids. My son is 6, and my daughter is 3, and she blatantly favors my son over my daughter.
    She is stiff and cold whenever my DD tries to give mum affection, but mum forces affection onto my son. She smooches him all the time and comments how handsome and wonderful he is, but with my daughter is absolutely kills my mum to say a nice thing to her and about her. She is never ever affectionate unless my daughter literally forces her to be, so when she tries to give affection back to DD its very forced and unnatural to her. I find it hard to witness this going on, takes me back to when I was a child and treated the same and just used by mum mum to boost her ego. Mum clearly seems to prefer boys over girls, and men over women as friends in general too. I believe my mother has a narcissistic personality, and it's tough when the dysfunctional behavior is directed towards my kids. I always held hope that it was just me she wanted to hurt, so if I could just learn to not let her get to me, we'd all be safe. But she's upped her game to hurting me through my kids.

    I am stuck because my DD has so much unconditional love for my mum, and is always wanting to see her. My DS couldn't care less as I feel he is starting to see grandma isn't nice to his baby sister, who he adores.

    The other day we took mum out for her birthday to lunch and the movies, and she the whole time talked so badly about DD. Saying things like "She's such a handful, she's going to give you hell when she grows up" "No wonder you have anxiety, with a daughter like that" "Let's all look forward to her growing out of this age" "No other kids are acting like she is, what's wrong with her" and so on. Mind you when she made her comment about my daughter not acting like other kids, it's when my daughter was excited to be on the escalator so she was announcing to the world that she was "flying" and that humiliated my mum as she couldn't bare to think what other people must be thinking.

    I really don't want to have to go no contact with my mother again, I feel it will stress the kids out. But having her in our lives is causing stress. I have tried everything, from confronting her on her behavior, calling it out at the time, restricting contact, allowing alone time for her to maybe bond better (that was mum's idea and explanation last time to why she's nasty to DD, apparently i hadn't allowed them to bond alone)

    It's just getting too much, she just resents DD and rejects anything positive I have to say about DD as well. It's like she just doesn't want to hear it, she wants DD to be a bad kid no matter what.

    For the record DD acts like any normal sassy vivacious 3 year old and I love it. I set boundaries with my kids but I also want to encourage them to embrace their own personalities. Mum is having issues with this, DH thinks mum just isn't good with young kids but she wasn't like this towards DS when he was DD age. Instead back then I was never a good enough parent and always criticized. Now she is projecting all that directly onto DD.

    Does anyone else here deal with this with the grandparents? I don't want to cut mum off again.... I plan to withdraw on the contact from here on though. I guess I just needed to put my situation out there to process my thoughts, and see what others think. I don't see any use in confronting her again, as it only gives a very short fix and then breeds more resentment towards DD in the near future. I feel like a bad mum because I feel I am failing my kids as i can't give them decent grandparents.

    Anyways, I hope you're all well. I hope there is no one else in my position, but if anyone can relate id love to hear how you tackle it. All advice is welcome, please be gentle as this situation has stressed me out all damn week.
    Last edited by Serenity Love; 09-08-2018 at 12:56. Reason: Typo.

  2. #2
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    My mother IS a narcissist and I took my kids 5 hours away, cut off all contact and have never had them in her life the absolute MINUTE she started the golden child and scape goat dynamic with them. I was the scape goat and my sister ( 4 years younger) was the golden child. It took me a long time to work out that it wasnt ME, a lot of psychotherapy and cognitive behaviour therapy to get her out of my head. Best decision I EVER made. They wont change, they cant change, they will never accept responsibility for their behaviour, but I do believe they firmly know what they are doing, they just enjoy it.

    My advice, RUN, run now. Dont look back.

    Fast forward to my 2 daughters being 22 and 21 and they have grown up into beautiful young women with great self esteem with the world at their feet. That would NEVER have happened with my mother in their life. ( I left when they were 3 and 4)

    It isnt until you're OUT of it, that you realise how bad it really is. YOU are not failing, SHE is, she is failing to be a decent grandparent.
    Plenty of kids dont have grandparents, it isnt really that big of a deal. We "adopted" an old lady from down our street, we call her a "grand-friend" and she comes to grandparents days at school etc.
    Last edited by Rachel3072; 09-08-2018 at 13:23.

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  4. #3
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    I could have written this post, except it's my daughter who is the Golden Child and my boys she hates. She was a terrible mother growing up and a notal narcissist herself but lacks any insight into her behaviour in my childhood or her own mental health issues. My daughter is the 'seen but not heard' type she loves. She's introverted, well mannered and behaved. My sons are rambunctious, loud but also so loving and wonderful. She always raves about my DD but you can see the look of distain on her face with my boys.

    Thankfully we don't see her often, and during her last visit I worked it so my boys weren't around her (not for her but for them). TBH it breaks my heart she hates my boys so much.

    My advice is to keep your distance. Your daughter will soon pick up the inequity in her love (my eldest boy certainly knows). People like this never ever change and I guarantee this will continue to rip your heart out.

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  6. #4
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    Sorry you have to go through this. My mil has always been difficult, she can’t stand me and still treats my dh like her baby.

    Her newest trick is that she quite obviously favours our ds1.. he is the golden grandson and no one else matters.
    She will happily buy him a $50 gift for no reason, wrap it with a bow and give it to him in front of his brothers who don’t receive anything. She doesn’t see anything wrong with thAt.

    Honestly, we moved interstate. Not directly because of her, but it certainly has made it easier on that she only sees them occasionally so we don’t have to deal with her cr&p.

    During our last visit she gave ds1 the gift with the bow, and ds2 & I both asked where were the gifts for our other 2 kids. She said she didn’t have any. So I took the gift for ds1 and gave it back to her and said we can’t accept it unless she begins to treat all 3 kids the same.

    I noticed recently that in one of ds1’s scribble books she wrote ‘dear ds you are my best boy’. Didn’t write anything for the other kids though.

    I now conveniently make excuses why ds1 can’t visit her, but ds2 & ds3 can. Then, after a few hours with those two kids, I bring ds1 to have a visit. I’m sure she realises what I’m doing, but I don’t care. Ds2 already knows what the deal is and it’s not fair that we have to tell him not to worry about what she does.

    I don’t want to cut her off because it’s THEIR grandmother and they have a right to have her in their lives. Eventually the kids will see it for what it is though, and then they can decide if they want to see her.

    Your ds seems like a clever cookie, he’ll realise that she’s not nice to your dd and then he’ll not want to hang out with her too.

    Good luck OP.

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    hi serenitylove, these people can not change, and totally, can not accept that their behaviour is a problem. As hard as it might be for you, you have to seriously limit the time with her. As your children get older start pointing out the bad behaviours, so the children become aware of how she really is. I believe you need to understand the problem is totally hers and there is nothing you can do, or could have done, to make her any different. hugs, marie.

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  10. #6
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    Thanks heaps ladies, I feel more validated in how i feel as I tend to not trust my own judgment when dealing with my mother as she plays the victim card like a pro and I always end up getting painted as the bully for standing up to her. I don't speak to any other family members as mum has sabotaged all of my relationships with them with slander. I really don't know what I was thinking to allow her back into our lives, and I am so filled with regret. I wish we could move miles and miles away like my Golden child sister has done, but DH has a good job that he doesn't want to leave. And my job is very secure too.

    I am really resenting my mum today for being incapable to hold up her end of the bargain and to stop bringing stress and drama into my life. You're all so right, she absolutely will never ever change. We are currently on a mutually agreed agreement that this is the last time we give our relationship a go, and if it ends again then it ends for good. I don't know if she actually wants it to end and trying to push me to break to cut her off again so she can cry victim again, or if she genuinely believes I am nothing but **** as well as my daughter and we deserve all she gives and it shouldn't be an issue because we are deserving, so should accept it. Which one do you ladies think it is? That she wants me to crack and end it, or we are just **** and deserving?
    Last edited by Serenity Love; 09-08-2018 at 14:54.

  11. #7
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    So sorry to read what you’re going through.
    You seem like a smart and caring person who’s very switched on.
    Having difficult people in my life in the past and at present (that I have no choice but to stay around) I would break ties if I were you.

    Whatever is up with your mum, you and your kids don’t need that.
    Nothing nice or nurturing can come out of a relationship that is like that, for any of you.

    All the best

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  13. #8
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    It took me a long time to work out my father was a narcissist, I’m an only child, he was a terrible father and I always thought it was because of something I was doing or not doing. He’s dead now but if he were still alive I wouldn’t have him anywhere near my babies as I know he would have done the golden child/favourite child thing and then played victim when we called him out on it.
    I’m always surprised to see how many others have parents like this too. So I have no real advice but I hope you can work something out.

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    I am probably a bit harsh but I think it’s time, if you can, to sit your mother down and point this out to her. With clear specific examples. Tell her that it’s not ok and that if she can’t be more equal in her relationship with your kids then she doesn’t get to see them. She has the choice.
    You and your DH are the only advocates your kids have in this situation.
    I realise this is easier said than done.
    It sounds awful and I hope you find a resolution

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    Quote Originally Posted by Serenity Love View Post
    I don't know if she actually wants it to end and trying to push me to break to cut her off again so she can cry victim again, or if she genuinely believes I am nothing but **** as well as my daughter and we deserve all she gives and it shouldn't be an issue because we are deserving, so should accept it. Which one do you ladies think it is? That she wants me to crack and end it, or we are just **** and deserving?
    I don't think she is deliberately trying to end your relationship, I think she is just being her narcissistic self. If you sat down with her outlining what you are upset about, she would completely deny, burst into tears and put it on you. That's why I believe it's futile confronting her. There can be no real discussion until she has insight and takes responsibility. This is why I don't confront my mother; it's pointless. Distancing myself and my kids as much as possible is the best solution and I think it is for you too.


 

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