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  1. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by SurferGalGC View Post
    Yes I understand. It's tough on both sides. I just feel for the original poster so much because I've seen my husband go through the same. Reading those harsh posts, I took them personally because I think of the struggles my husband has also been through and know he wouldn't cope with that kind of negativity, especially if he were reaching out for support.
    This 100x. I have watched my husband go through this and he definitely wouldn’t have coped. I think unfort it is prob only the wives of husbands who have been through this that can fully understand. My husband would love to be a stay at home dad but he knows the kids would suffer.

    We pay child maintenance, extras and also have to work harder to provide for things whilst mum decides to quit her job cause she doesn’t like it. Am I bitter towards her? Absolutely, I despise the fact that she chooses not to work so our Maintenance goes up and our child goes without. It’s a tough gig split families from ALL angles not just the mums/dads/kids.

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  3. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I've never been through a divorce, but I have been the child of divorce and it isn't pretty. I'm wanting to offer the OP another perspective to help both himself and his child. I'm sorry but I really get frustrated with people that start threads asking advice then get angry when they don't have others all agree with them. I did offer both empathy and an agreement she in NO way should withhold contact. And so have the others.
    Just so you know - I never denegrate my ex or her new partner to my son EVER - quite the opposite I tell him he is lucky to have two dads and a Mum that love him very much - but my ex bags the hell out of me eg Mum hates it when I say I love you - Mum said my new dad does more for me than you etc - but ONCE again feel free to make assumptions and accusations!

    Also if you read back through he posts - not once did I say I didn’t agree with any advice - what I have not agreed with is the labelling and name calling, accusations and assumptions people have made. I have read all tbe advice -as I said some of it has been great - but some of you have destroyed and attacked everything I have said as irrelevant and hateful when all your posts have been laced with venom towards me while lecturing me to keep to facts and discard any emotion etc.

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  5. #53
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    I am going to ask EVERYONE to tone things down a bit here.

    We are a forum where people can come to get support and advice.

    THINK !!!
    Is it True ?
    Is it Helpful?
    Is it Inspirational?
    Is is Necessary?
    Is it Kind?

    lets focus a bit on the kind part here ... we do not kick people when they are down.

    I get the "you might not like it, but see the other side" kind of sentiment in posts ... but remember there is a real person on the end, who is going through a lot so be careful how you say things when you are posting that way

    There is simply no need to be as harsh as some of the comments in here.

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  7. #54
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    OP I’m sorry you don’t feel supported here, I can tell you are hurting. Good on you for reaching out for help, I know it must be hard to do. While I do think some of your original post wasn’t necessary, I also understand why you included those details. Look, at the end of the day, as long as you are paying the required amount of CS, you’re not obligated to pay a cent more. If you choose to do so, that is up to you. With stuff like shoes, rather than giving your ExW the money, buy the actual item yourself so at least you know your son is receiving the items he is supposed to. I also think it would be a good idea to note every time she asks for extra money, threatens to withhold access to your son and so on. Keep any texts or times and dates of calls and details of correspondence between you- but make sure your records are objective- ie keep emotion out of it. Simply note what was said, the time and date and nothing more. Also maybe look at mediation again and getting legal papers drawn up regarding custody of your son.

    I feel for you OP. I’ve seen many friends in your position and the damage it does is heartbreaking.

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  9. #55
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    Quote Originally Posted by SheWarrior View Post
    OP I’m sorry you don’t feel supported here, I can tell you are hurting. Good on you for reaching out for help, I know it must be hard to do. While I do think some of your original post wasn’t necessary, I also understand why you included those details. Look, at the end of the day, as long as you are paying the required amount of CS, you’re not obligated to pay a cent more. If you choose to do so, that is up to you. With stuff like shoes, rather than giving your ExW the money, buy the actual item yourself so at least you know your son is receiving the items he is supposed to. I also think it would be a good idea to note every time she asks for extra money, threatens to withhold access to your son and so on. Keep any texts or times and dates of calls and details of correspondence between you- but make sure your records are objective- ie keep emotion out of it. Simply note what was said, the time and date and nothing more. Also maybe look at mediation again and getting legal papers drawn up regarding custody of your son.

    I feel for you OP. I’ve seen many friends in your position and the damage it does is heartbreaking.
    This ..100%. Don’t give her any cash. Buy what your child needs yourself.

    Keeping records is super important.

    I’m so sorry you have been treated like this. It’s not fair.. I’ve sent you a pm

    Granny

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  11. #56
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    Quote Originally Posted by SheWarrior View Post
    OP I’m sorry you don’t feel supported here, I can tell you are hurting. Good on you for reaching out for help, I know it must be hard to do. While I do think some of your original post wasn’t necessary, I also understand why you included those details. Look, at the end of the day, as long as you are paying the required amount of CS, you’re not obligated to pay a cent more. If you choose to do so, that is up to you. With stuff like shoes, rather than giving your ExW the money, buy the actual item yourself so at least you know your son is receiving the items he is supposed to. I also think it would be a good idea to note every time she asks for extra money, threatens to withhold access to your son and so on. Keep any texts or times and dates of calls and details of correspondence between you- but make sure your records are objective- ie keep emotion out of it. Simply note what was said, the time and date and nothing more. Also maybe look at mediation again and getting legal papers drawn up regarding custody of your son.

    I feel for you OP. I’ve seen many friends in your position and the damage it does is heartbreaking.
    Thanks - I will do that going forward - make a note of things etc. that’s good advice. Thank you. Its not about the shoes it was about seeking input from people in a similar situation and how thy feel and deal with it. And what the best way to handle it is. Going forward. I will buy the shoes have said I would - but I know now I’m back on my feet that I can feel this ramping up.

  12. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by Icul View Post
    Thanks - I will do that going forward - make a note of things etc. that’s good advice. Thank you. Its not about the shoes it was about seeking input from people in a similar situation and how thy feel and deal with it. And what the best way to handle it is. Going forward. I will buy the shoes have said I would - but I know now I’m back on my feet that I can feel this ramping up.
    Don’t give her power over you. If she wants to play games and use your son as a pawn to get her own way, let her- don’t give in to her. Focus solely on your son and what’s best for him. Make the effort with him, not her. From experience there will come a day when he wises up to what’s going on and sees through the bull****. Keep making the effort for him, no matter how hard she makes it. I would look into father support groups- I’m not sure what’s out there but I know there are some, maybe try searching fb. You can connect with other men going through or who have been through where you are.

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  14. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by Icul View Post
    Hi looking for some advice - my ex received a very substantial divorce settlement - house/car/cash - over $1 million - has no mortgage or debt - was also was receiving $1000 a fortnight child support as well as single Mothers etc and 3 months after we divorced moved her new boyfriend in and he works full time - she has never worked - ever in the 10 years we were together or since last 5 years - she chooses not to work - but does do different things for cash.

    2 years after we divorced my business hit hard times and I ended up loses my business/ house etc and was declared bankrupt. While doing it tough I couldn’t pay the same amount of child support but paid what I could when I could.

    I have rebuilt my life and am working etc and back paying $320 a fortnight child support for my 9 yr old son (ex has had another baby with new man). I have worked really hard to rebuild my life - it could have been a very different story - I was really so low I could have just tapped out of life.

    My ex- has been very difficult with access to my son that changed after my child support amount dropped off when not working and after she moved in with her new man who she has forced my son to call dad etc - she has regularly withheld visits or cancelled visits and my relationship with my son comes last and it would probably be her wish that I just disappeared and let her get on with her new life. She is just relentless in her poor treatment of me and still so bitter after I ended our marriage - which was very much because of the person she had become - greedy/nasty and self serving.

    After returning my son after a visit recently she bailed me up at the door in front of my son and said that she and her partner pay for everything for my son and it’s about time I did - so could I go and buy him more shoes for school and sport and handed me his shoe size.

    I was floored. I have given her so much - neither she or her partner have had to buy a house for their children, car etc - I rent a house and have a work car and have very little to show since bankruptcy after 25 years of work. I pretty much have nothing.

    I think $320 a fortnight based on my wage is enough to afford new runners for a 9 year old?

    I would do anything for my son - anything - he is my world and greatest achievement - but I am just at wits end about my ex and her greed - I would imagine my child support goes no where near my son - it doesn’t have to be used for house and car cause I have supplied that - so costs are minimal - food, clothing, schooling. I feel now I am getting back on my feet she is taking aim to get more money from me - which I just don’t have.

    Do I have to pay more on top of child support? Am I wrong to feel exploited? Are there any other dads out there in similar situation that can offer me some advice?

    I love my son and will do anything for him as said and I know deep down I will go and buy him new shoes - but just feeling alone and jaded and fed up.
    I just want to say that I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I watched my husband go through this (as well as my bro in law) and it’s gut wrenching stuff. Don’t give her anything you don’t have to, and just keep telling your son that you love him. Don’t buy into the mental crap - she’ll try and make you feel less than and chip away at your self esteem (doing it in front of your boy as well - dads a loser, he doesn’t care about you etc). And know above all that you’re not alone.

    In 9 years, your boy will be 18. You’re over the half way mark. Then you’ll never have to talk to her again.

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  16. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chmeille View Post
    I just want to say that I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I watched my husband go through this (as well as my bro in law) and it’s gut wrenching stuff. Don’t give her anything you don’t have to, and just keep telling your son that you love him. Don’t buy into the mental crap - she’ll try and make you feel less than and chip away at your self esteem (doing it in front of your boy as well - dads a loser, he doesn’t care about you etc). And know above all that you’re not alone.

    In 9 years, your boy will be 18. You’re over the half way mark. Then you’ll never have to talk to her again.
    Thanks for your message and advice. I will try and manage the situation best I can. It is gut wrenching and heart breaking and I know I’m the first or the last parent to go through this. Thanks again.


 

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