ADVERTISEMENT

+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 7 of 7
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Posts
    5
    Thanks
    9
    Thanked
    0
    Reviews
    0

    Default This was my "Wake-up call" so my ex-husband says.

    *** Child abuse mentioned ***



    Up until the day my husband abandoned me, I had, what I thought was a great marriage and married to someone who loved me.
    My husband would text me everyday..sometimes twice, three times a day to tell me that he loved me.

    We had our usual "arguments" but nothing serious..Infact, we rarely fought.

    In May 2015, one morning, my husband kissed me goodbye to go to work and then disappeared.
    It wasn't until a few days later that he notified me he was going away for three months to 'clear his head".
    At the time, I was extremely busy and traumatised watching my mum lose her memory/mind to dementia. I was so busy and struggling with health issues myself. My husband was relatively helpful..he loved my mum dearly.

    Just prior to my husband leaving me, his younger brother went to jail after the sexual assault of a young family member, ( a child). I was the one that had sensed something was wrong and alerted the family. I saved a child's life. That child is now safe and has been safe since 2015 and living a good life in another state.

    When my husband eventually came back home, he was sometime depressed and we had some marital counselling.

    He told me(later) that the wake-up call to our marriage problems(which I had NO idea about) was him disappearing.
    I find that terribly sad and unfair. While I am busy with my mum, and struggling to keep everything together, my husband disappears(frightens me - I Had to call the police) and didn't know where he was for a few days.

    I just found it really strange, that he blamed our marriage problems on me, while his own brother was going to jail (because i spoke-up).

    Then a few months later his older brother went to jail for attempted murder of his partner.
    But, still my husband said I was at fault for everything and all of the stress in his life.

    Do you think it was unfair of him to abandon me without sitting me down and discussing how he felt?

    i was traumatised for two weeks, trying to come to terms with him abandoning me and driving away(he sent a series of text messages and emails with instructions in what I had to do). I was already exhausted from helping my mum (with dementia and she was nearly blind)
    While he was away, mum went to hospital and i had to carry-on as usual and try and remain positive.

    He went away to play golf, paint and have a break. I understand the need to have a break but not discussing it with me, was hurtful.

    The very long story short...he eventually abandoned me again..just after my mum died.
    He turned (from the most loving,kindest man I knew (we had been married nearly 20 years) into a very cruel, manipulative monster.

    I found out later, while I am organising a funeral for my mother. my husband is planning to leave me, on a dating site and meeting the woman of his dreams overseas.(and his family were supporting him)
    He abandoned me again and didn't want to discuss anything.
    He manipulated me into selling our family home(often with threats he would call the police on me(he would make up some story about me) and threatening to get solicitors to make my life hard.
    We sold our home and financially separated and he gladly gave me extra money as the solicitor's had said.
    But, I had to discover that, the man I had come to love and respect(and my mum adored him) was infact another person.
    My dr seems to think my husband may have bipolar, given his changing moods and infidelity, lies, aggressive behaviour and change in personality. Not to mention - delusions.He seems to think I am the enemy.

    This month marks two years.

    I am seeing a therapist now and only coming to terms with everything. It has been a very long and painful journey.

    I was able to forgive my husband and I treat him with respect when I do speak or converse with him. I do this to keep the peace.

    It's only recent that he has said - Our marriage problems could have been solved if I had adhered to the 'wake-up call" of the first abandonment.

    But, how could I have known?
    When he came back to me, I had to get my mum into a nursing home.
    We did have counselling but life was stressful.
    His brothers were in jail and his mother had turned against me because I had alerted the family to the abuse of our young family member. My mother in law was hurt that her son served time in prison.

    I know I wasn't a perfect wife but I tried,
    I cared for my husband deeply.
    A lot of the times I was busy with my mum but I did try to support him as a wife as best as I could.

    I had helped him take care of his father, when he was ill and needed to go to a nursing home. These things happen in life..our parents get sick and need our help.

    I have moved on and doing a lot better, but the anniversary is a trigger for me.

    I don't know how I could have saved my marriage if my husband didn't share with me he was struggling.
    He did send me text messages everyday (in our marriage)to say he loved me yet couldn't sit down and share that he was unhappy. We often found time to go on date -nights, movie nights and do things together. Naturally, we had to work harder on romance!

    I lost my mother, my husband (and marriage) within months of each other, then my home.my dignity, my respect....and came close to losing my sanity.

    The man is someone I don't know. He is a stranger to me.

    I brought this up with my therapist yesterday and she said we would talk about it next week.

    Is it fair that I didn't wake up to the 'wake-up' call of my husband abandoning me? All I know is that it frightened me because he disappeared.


    **Please excuse my grammar. It's late and I am not sleeping so well**
    Last edited by parkershouse; 14-03-2018 at 02:38. Reason: Add further comments/correct grammar/spelling.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    1,620
    Thanks
    2,068
    Thanked
    969
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Oh my gosh what an awful experience for you I cannot imagine how you have dealt with so many blows and can still function. Sending you a huge hug!

    As for your question I think your ex is a manipulative douchebag. Clearly he wanted out so it’s easy to blame you. He completely blindsided you and didn’t give you any chance to work on issues that may have been there.

    I think you should look yourself in the mirror and applaud yourself for your strength and courage and be thankful for the fact you got out in one piece. You’ve dealt with so much and shown yourself to be a strong independent woman.

    Don’t let this nasty man control you any longer. I wish you all the very best

  3. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Chippa For This Useful Post:

    BH-KatiesMum  (14-03-2018),Meld85  (14-03-2018),Mod-Wise Enough  (14-03-2018),parkershouse  (14-03-2018),SuperGranny  (14-03-2018),Sweetbabydreams  (14-03-2018)

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    133
    Thanks
    54
    Thanked
    34
    Reviews
    0
    I am someone that was sexually abused as a child for several years by a family member before i had the courage to speak up.

    What you did to save that poor child can not be described in words.

    It is very sad with what has happened between you and your ex husband.

    What I will say is that it seems because you MIL blamed you so did everyone in his family including your husband who wouldve been manipulated by his family into possibly hating you .

    Yes family is family but if someone in my family did something this disgusting as a full grown adult to a child I will also be the first to report it to the police.

    I hope through time your heart can be mended and you will find someone who will treat and love you the way you deserve. Your ex is a piece of **** for the way he treated you .

    Massive hugs xx

  5. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to jensdream For This Useful Post:

    parkershouse  (14-03-2018),Sweetbabydreams  (14-03-2018)

  6. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2017
    Posts
    250
    Thanks
    15
    Thanked
    186
    Reviews
    0
    No it’s not fair. It’s clear that a husband or wife walking out for three months is a problem, but If you husband had any desire to make the marriage work he would have spoken with you about it, not run away.

    Marriage breakdowns are really hard, so big hugs to you x I left my husband in 2012 and even though I made the decision, was still speaking to a therapist / dealing with the “failure” two years later. There were many reasons, but after eight years of marriage he decided he didn’t want kids. (BTW - I now realise i wasn’t a failure and am so pleased that I am no longer married to him).

    Anniversaries and birthdays will always be triggers. Try and arrange to do something on those days to keep you occupied.

    Just keep talking about it. It takes time to process these things, but to me it sounds like you are blaming yourself, which is very unfair to you.

    Big love x

  7. The Following User Says Thank You to KylieML For This Useful Post:

    parkershouse  (14-03-2018)

  8. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    320
    Thanks
    106
    Thanked
    188
    Reviews
    0
    This sounds absolutely horrific. After reading all of your post, I don’t believe your ex-husband was giving you a wake up call. I believe he was being selfish at the time, and selfish now by still trying to blame you. It was never a wake up call! Sending love xxx

  9. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to bluerhino For This Useful Post:

    BH-KatiesMum  (14-03-2018),parkershouse  (14-03-2018)

  10. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    12,073
    Thanks
    4,011
    Thanked
    7,343
    Reviews
    2
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    Him blaming you makes him feel less guilty about what he did - plain and simple.

    He abandoned you. He was unfaithful to you. He ran away from his family instead of talking to you upfront about what was bothering him or making him unhappy.

    His decision to run off was selfish and childish. Can you imagine if a married woman did this? She would be flamed for being a bad mother and a terrible wife.

    Anyone who has been through a divorce will tell you it's really rough - even those who separate in fairly non-dramatic circumstances will go through a lot emotionally.

    It will get easier over time. Don't be hard on yourself that things didn't work out, as he didn't give your marriage a chance.

    I suspect your Dr might be right about him having bipolar disorder. Reminds me of the kind of selfish behaviour my former BIL put my SIL through (they are now divorced also).

  11. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Mod-Degrassi For This Useful Post:

    BH-KatiesMum  (14-03-2018),granny1  (14-03-2018),parkershouse  (14-03-2018),Sweetbabydreams  (14-03-2018)

  12. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    686
    Thanks
    1,322
    Thanked
    561
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Mod-Degrassi View Post
    Him blaming you makes him feel less guilty about what he did - plain and simple.

    He abandoned you. He was unfaithful to you. He ran away from his family instead of talking to you upfront about what was bothering him or making him unhappy.

    His decision to run off was selfish and childish. Can you imagine if a married woman did this? She would be flamed for being a bad mother and a terrible wife.

    Anyone who has been through a divorce will tell you it's really rough - even those who separate in fairly non-dramatic circumstances will go through a lot emotionally.

    It will get easier over time. Don't be hard on yourself that things didn't work out, as he didn't give your marriage a chance.

    I suspect your Dr might be right about him having bipolar disorder. Reminds me of the kind of selfish behaviour my former BIL put my SIL through (they are now divorced also).
    This^^
    I hope you can find peace OP, you deserve it. No one deserves to be treated the way you were. Being married means both sides need to communicate, that’s one of the biggest things that make a marriage work.

  13. The Following User Says Thank You to Sweetbabydreams For This Useful Post:

    parkershouse  (14-03-2018)


 

Similar Threads

  1. Rolling Over & Cot Safety - nasty wake up call
    By katiek in forum Safety Issues
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 29-11-2006, 20:46
  2. This was in my son's school newsletter
    By Kayteigh in forum News & Current Affairs
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 14-09-2006, 12:48
  3. Thought this was funny, so had to share
    By Smurfette in forum General Chat
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 29-04-2006, 23:21
  4. this was hanging up in my Maternal & Child Health Centre
    By my babyemmy in forum General Chat
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 14-02-2006, 08:13
  5. Crikey! This was a shocker
    By Ryally in forum Circumcision
    Replies: 53
    Last Post: 14-09-2005, 13:18

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

FEATURED SUPPORTER
GymbaROOGymbaROO offers activities for babies & toddlers in a fun learning centre, focussing on developmental education. ...
FORUMS - chatting now ...
Boys name!General Chat
freaking outGeneral Child Health Issues
Lawnmower parentingGeneral Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
Less bedrooms than childrenGeneral Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
Fragile XGeneral Child Health Issues
Need adviceEgg Donation
WA fertility clinics with no BMIIVF Newbies - What you want to know
REVIEWS
"Made bed time less anxious"
by Meld85
My Little Heart Whisbear - the Humming Bear reviews ›
"Wonderful natural Aussie made product!"
by Mrstwr
Baby U Goat Milk Moisturiser reviews ›
"Replaced good quality with cheap tight nappies"
by Kris
Coles Comfy Bots Nappies reviews ›

ADVERTISEMENT