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  1. #1
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    Default Struggling

    Hi all


    I need some advice. My wife is 7 weeks pregnant with our first child and I am doing everything to be as supportive as I can. I am doing literally everything, cooking, dishes, washing, sorting out the dogs, cleaning the house, trying to maintain the gardening (but there are so many hours in a day), waiting on my wife constantly all on top of working a stressful full time job. She works a 4 day week. Weekends we don't really get to do much as she is tired and feeling sick so she is usually just in bed or on the couch. Even though I am exhausted, I don't mind doing all the work to keep the house running and keep her well.


    The problem though, is she is constantly getting angry at me and says some pretty nasty things. I understand the hormonal changes which cause mood swings but after always working my butt off to do as much as I can for her to make her feel better, and then constantly be told negative things, I am tearing my hair out. There will be complaints of things like if I have left a dirty dish in the sink on the very odd occasion (which comes after a full day of me doing chores around the house) yet she leaves all her dishes everywhere all the time and I am constantly cleaning it up.


    She is also so paranoid about anything to do with food or knocking her belly. I get it. She is anxious after the first miscarriage. She is worried about even the slightest touch to her belling from anything, even a sheet of paper. We have been to the doctor who has reassured her but she doesn't take it on board and I am constantly reassuring her and if I don't or I don't do it the right way or hug her instantly, she gets angry at me


    I am getting so frustrated that I am trying my absolute best but everything she says to me is something negative. If other family members visit, she is so sweet to them but I get treated like she hates me. I am trying my best but I know I am not perfect and sometimes it will get to a point where I snap and then it blows up and she says things to me like that her being with me was a mistake and that if I argue I will cause another miscarriage and that the first one was my fault. This breaks my heart and there has been times when I am alone that I have just broken down.


    I have tried talking all this out and how it makes me feel to her but it seems to just fall on deaf ears. Its a time that is meant to be exciting but I feel like I am being treated like crap and I don't know how much more I can take. There is a long way to go with the pregnancy and then the couple of years after that with a new child. We went to the doctors but of course he just says that she needs to rest. Am I just meant to shut up, work my **** off and then just have my wife constantly annoyed or angry at me?


    Most "advice" that I read is that the guys should just shut up, do everything, cop the negativity on the chin and dare not complain about a pregnant woman. Is that the case? I feel broken, alone and guilty for not being able to just put up with it. Is there anything I can do or do I just have to wait it out? I am really worried that its going to be like this the whole pregnancy and I am worried that my wife is the type that will go through post-natal depression and I am already feeling the strain. I worry that this is having a damaging effect on our relationship and that certain things that are said cannot be taken back.


    S

  2. #2
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    Hi there,
    As someone who is pregnant with my 3rd, and whom works full time (miss my boys) my partner looks after our sons from wed to fri, i expect him to do the basic cleaning up doesn't have to be perfect, then ill do the rest. I cant imagine what it would like to miscarry or be in that situation. BUT you should not be expected to work full time and clean up after her like youre a slave, it is wrong, i do understand some people have to go on bed rest but that generally isnt until later in the pregnancy. I feel sorry for you in this aspect, she is pregnant doesnt mean that she cant do anything (just takes awhile longer sometimes) it should be a partnership. What is going to happen when bubs is born?? Is there mates you can go visit?? Someone you can talk to?? If this was my relationship i would definitely be concerned. The only thing i "expect" my partner to do is mow and whipper snip the lawn, or lift heaving things.
    This is just my opinion, guess i was brought up as youre the female and you do the housework etc. Don't get me wrong it wares me down. The only time i have a "break " is when i have a migraine (which is very rare).
    I really hope that she listens and understands what youre trying to tell her and that she does work as a team.
    Once bubs is here there is no such thing as a perfect clean house.

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  4. #3
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    She’s being awful and that’s a form of emotional abuse which can lead to becoming a relationship which has a form of domestic violence . Don’t allow mean talk to one another. I’m thinking also of your unborn child who will grow up with this. Insist on kindness. Walk away from unkindness and have some boundaries and self care. Sometimes people can just be selfish and I’m calling it how it is but pregnancy is NoT an excuse for selfish meanness. Im currently 12 weeks pregnant I work four days a week and we manage a household with five children. We are both friggen exhausted each of us in bed between 7-9pm each night. He works six days a week most days for a boss he hates and has MS. We each help the other. We are each KIND. We each do as much as we can. Many days I just have to lie down. That’s when he steps up. My first marriage I was constantly criticised for not doing enough. I was working full time with two little kids- he just was a selfish man who wanted to run me into the ground and spend all the money. He would (the ex) frequently harp on about “we have ill never get ahead” because I wasn’t earning enough if I went part time.

    My dear, life has taught me a few things:
    -nice people get walked on
    - don’t stop being nice just because of jerks
    - learn how to love yourself
    -learn how to say “how you’re speaking to me” or “how you’re treating me” is NOT Ok.
    -learn how to not react, and just walk away
    -don’t be emotionally dependent on another person
    -do things you love
    -do things for people you love. Not because it’s expected, because you want to
    -don’t be afraid to say “no” “that doesn’t work for me”

    Take care and look after yourself too

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  6. #4
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    I am just going to put out there.
    I have six kids here on earth and 5 in heaven.

    My advice depends on how her pregnancy is going and her doctors advice for her. How recent her miscarriage was.

    There are a lot of factors to take into account.

    If it was her 1st pregnancy or she hadn't a miscarriage before than i would say she is in the wrong 100 %.

    Seeing thats not the case than most likely you both need to find a balance that works for you.
    Losing your baby that is growing in you is a massive thing. The guilt and shame some women feel is huge. Than their is the actual grief of losing your child.
    It is different for the mum than the dad. You had the baby inside you and its your job to protect it and if you fail it and your baby dies its huge. Her worry of anything touching her stomach and hurting the baby is real and not that uncommon especially if the loss was in the last year or two.
    It's your job as the father of the baby and her partner to help her through this. Believe me as mum of young kids to adult this won't be the hardest thing you do as parent. Parenting is freaking hard but so worth it.

    Being pregnant especially in the first 12 weeks it is absolutely exhausting and most woman get constantly sick. Read any book on pregnancy and you will see that is a major symptom of pregnancy. Some women need to be hospitalized or going in and go on a drip. Of course thats not every woman or even most woman but it can get that bad. Moid swing are also are part of life when your pregnant. My poor hubby saus he can tell when i pregnant by my easy stirred up anger. I am only like that in the first 12 weeks and than i am back to nice loving wife he knows.

    Believe me you have the good end of the stick.

    If her pregnancy is going ok than sit down and talk through as much as you can being kind and understanding as much as possible. Explain your need too.

    If the doctor has her on bed rest - than sux it up buddy and man up be the dad your meant to be.

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    When they say for men to cop it on the chin, I’m pretty sure it’s in reference to the woman complaining that she is tired, again. That kind of stuff. It’s annoying but not harmful in any way.

    I’m on my 5th pregnancy and my morning sickness from 4 weeks til 18 weeks was horrible. I had hyperemesis plus a really bad reaction to a drug that had me unable to get out bed most days. My husband doesn’t exactly like stepping up but he does it because he loves me, not because I force him. He’s not a homemaker by any means, so the house was in a pretty poor state for those weeks but I didn’t get mad. I was so appreciative that he tried. I didn’t want/expect him to do stuff like the bathrooms or whatever. Just enough to survive.
    The way your wife is carrying on is a bit ridiculous. If she is truly struggling with sickness then that’s horrible for her and the polite thing for you to do would be to help her out, but it’s not a prison camp. What she is expecting is too much. And the way she is talking to you is not acceptable in any way. Not even with using hormones as an excuse.

    I don’t really know what you can do though to be honest. I hope you can sort something out. For both you and babiesental health.

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  10. #6
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    This is our first pregnancy and we started trying for a baby as soon as we got married. We fell pregnant straight away and on the pregnancy test we got a positive result albeit a faint one. As never having gone through this before we didn't know much and from reading the test even a faint positive one is a positive result. A few days later we went to the doctor and got a blood test but the HCG was very low and they indicated it was probably a very early miscarriage and the subsequent test confirmed it.

    For me, although a bit disappointed, it didn't effect me too much as the doctor explained that it is actually more common than most people think and that a miscarriage this early a lot of people don't actually realise and just think that they had their period a bit later than usual. For my wife, she was very upset, and remained so for quite a while. I was as supportive as I could be be as we both wee affected differently and had different ways of dealing with it, I struggled to understand how she was feeling and why it went on so long. I tried to support her as much as possible, but I am only human and I found it difficult as it went on so long and it lead to some arguments. She was going through a bit of depression and anxiety which I tried to help as much as possible. Went to professionals etc.

    We then started trying again a few months later and she fell pregnant and here we are at 7 weeks.

    I indeed have read a lot of information on pregnancy, and I understand the symptoms of the first trimester. I am not questioning her feeling exhausted, its more the lashing out and constant negativity directed at me that is having an impact on me when I feel that I am doing nothing but being as supportive and as helpful as I can be.

    We saw the doctor recently and he says "she is getting tired as she is not eating enough" and he says "get plenty of rest". Again, I am not complaining about this. It is the lashing out at me which has me tearing my hair out.

    Its easy to say "suck it up" but it doesn't really help. I feel how I feel, I am only human. I know the same argument is true on her side too. She is not a bad person, she is just struggling. I can just tell that it is putting strain on our relationship

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  12. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by st81 View Post
    This is our first pregnancy and we started trying for a baby as soon as we got married. We fell pregnant straight away and on the pregnancy test we got a positive result albeit a faint one. As never having gone through this before we didn't know much and from reading the test even a faint positive one is a positive result. A few days later we went to the doctor and got a blood test but the HCG was very low and they indicated it was probably a very early miscarriage and the subsequent test confirmed it.

    For me, although a bit disappointed, it didn't effect me too much as the doctor explained that it is actually more common than most people think and that a miscarriage this early a lot of people don't actually realise and just think that they had their period a bit later than usual. For my wife, she was very upset, and remained so for quite a while. I was as supportive as I could be be as we both wee affected differently and had different ways of dealing with it, I struggled to understand how she was feeling and why it went on so long. I tried to support her as much as possible, but I am only human and I found it difficult as it went on so long and it lead to some arguments. She was going through a bit of depression and anxiety which I tried to help as much as possible. Went to professionals etc.

    We then started trying again a few months later and she fell pregnant and here we are at 7 weeks.

    I indeed have read a lot of information on pregnancy, and I understand the symptoms of the first trimester. I am not questioning her feeling exhausted, its more the lashing out and constant negativity directed at me that is having an impact on me when I feel that I am doing nothing but being as supportive and as helpful as I can be.

    We saw the doctor recently and he says "she is getting tired as she is not eating enough" and he says "get plenty of rest". Again, I am not complaining about this. It is the lashing out at me which has me tearing my hair out.

    Its easy to say "suck it up" but it doesn't really help. I feel how I feel, I am only human. I know the same argument is true on her side too. She is not a bad person, she is just struggling. I can just tell that it is putting strain on our relationship
    I’m no expert but you mentioned that she has battled with depression and anxiety in the past, her behaviour - the lashing out at you, the huge sensitivity about her stomach being touched etc... sounds like she may be experiencing anti natal anxiety.

    Could you perhaps arrange to go and one of the mental health professionals that she has seen in the past? Would she be open to that do you think?

    It sounds really tough.

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  14. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by misskittyfantastico View Post
    I’m no expert but you mentioned that she has battled with depression and anxiety in the past, her behaviour - the lashing out at you, the huge sensitivity about her stomach being touched etc... sounds like she may be experiencing anti natal anxiety.

    Could you perhaps arrange to go and one of the mental health professionals that she has seen in the past? Would she be open to that do you think?

    It sounds really tough.
    Thanks. Yes this sound like it may be a good option. I will look in to it. Yes she was getting depression and anxiety from the miscarriage in June/July. We both reacted differently to the miscarriage and this made it difficult for me to understand how she was feeling entirely. While I supported her as best I can, frustration led to a couple of pretty big arguments at times. She then went to the doctor who recommended a mental health professional. Also recommended some medication but she reacted quite badly and we both agreed that that medication was not the answer. The professional helped a bit I think but it was slow going. We fell pregnant again and then with everything that has been going on with that, she hasn't been back. Perhaps we are best to go back to the professional...

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    I'm sorry you are being treated like you are .

    I've had 7 miscarriages and not once did I lash out or treat my husband badly.

    You wife is grieving for her lost pregnancy and I feel that she needs to seek some outside guidance to hopefully allow her to grieve but also enjoy this new miracle . I'm sure she is struggling with tiredness , feeling sick and off her good but there's no need to lash out ! It's obviously a symptom of something else - grief and anxiety that something may go wrong with this pregnancy !

    Your wife is pregnant , she's not dying , surely she can do something around the house ..

    I do think counselling would help her debrief from her miscarriage and hopefully ease her stress with this pregnancy .

    I'm so sorry you are being treated so badly. I do hope that in time , things improve and you can enjoy the pregnancy together. It truly is a wonderful experience .

    Please reach out to another GP or mental health professional for you own well being during this time.
    You are just as important in this pregnancy as your wife as the baby needs a dad too .

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  17. #10
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    I understand suxing it up is hard. I am a mum if 6 with 4 having special needs. I am a expert at suxing it up and moving forward. When someone you love is going through a extremely hard time it's all you can do. If you really can't go on than look into some counselling for you too. It might help you get strategies on how to ease your load. How to deal when your wife is being unreasonable. How to ease her tension without putting yourself in harms way or getting yelled at etc...
    I hope you find a way for you both to feel more settled in both your relationship.


 

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