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  1. #1
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    Default PND/bonding issues

    Anyone successfully gone through egg donation and then had PND and/or difficulty bonding with their baby?

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    Hey @Petulia, I have two DE babies. It is really really hard....just having two kids. So much work and I let it stress me a lot. At times it does make me just feel like it is all work and no joy. I'm not sure that's DE related though. I haven't officially had PND but I did find things so hard that I saw a doctor to ask if she thought I had PND. Things have improved now that my second bub is older and sleeping better.

    Are you ok?

    Just wanted to bump your post up. Maybe others will have some relevant stories for you.

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    Petulia  (27-05-2017)

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    I haven't had it with with my 3 de babies but I did get it with a couple of my oe babies, I don't want to say to you if you have it, that it's nothing to do with your de babies, but more to do with withdrawal of hormones etc, having twins is very hard, but your nearly at the stage where it starts to get a bit easier and hopefully you will start to feel a lot less overwhelmed by them (if you do) and can take a breather. Hugs to you, I'm sure your doing a fantastic job being a mummy and don't be too hard on yourself, it's really ok not to be a "super mum" just focus on yourself and your babies and just do the bare minimum around the house if you can manage that, at 6 mths I managed to do 3 things a day, washing vaccuming and dinner, that was it!!

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    Petulia  (27-05-2017)

  6. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrsErinR View Post
    Hey @Petulia, I have two DE babies. It is really really hard....just having two kids. So much work and I let it stress me a lot. At times it does make me just feel like it is all work and no joy. I'm not sure that's DE related though. I haven't officially had PND but I did find things so hard that I saw a doctor to ask if she thought I had PND. Things have improved now that my second bub is older and sleeping better.

    Are you ok?

    Just wanted to bump your post up. Maybe others will have some relevant stories for you.
    Thanks MrsErinR for bumping the post. I'm not ok but I'm hanging on hoping the medication will start to work at some point.
    Where does the joy come from? Definitely all work with no reward form me. I do not want to screw these kids up, with them growing up feeling like I resent being a mother.
    The psychiatrist I said he has noticed an association between DE babies and higher rates of PND. I know that I never felt attached during the pregnancy, I felt more like a surrogate. I look at them now and all I can see is that they are my partner's kids, not mine.

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    Quote Originally Posted by stacey10 View Post
    I haven't had it with with my 3 de babies but I did get it with a couple of my oe babies, I don't want to say to you if you have it, that it's nothing to do with your de babies, but more to do with withdrawal of hormones etc, having twins is very hard, but your nearly at the stage where it starts to get a bit easier and hopefully you will start to feel a lot less overwhelmed by them (if you do) and can take a breather. Hugs to you, I'm sure your doing a fantastic job being a mummy and don't be too hard on yourself, it's really ok not to be a "super mum" just focus on yourself and your babies and just do the bare minimum around the house if you can manage that, at 6 mths I managed to do 3 things a day, washing vaccuming and dinner, that was it!!
    When did it start to get easier for you when you had it?

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    @Petulia. I can understand exactly where you are coming from when you said all work and no reward. In the early days., things are tough and even more so with 2. They start to develop their own little personalities as they get older though. However even with my oE baby about to turn 3 and 30 weeks pregnant with my first DE bub I am so tired and feel like it is all work and no play. I also wonder about what my DE bub will look like.. How will we bond.. Will people compare my oE and de bubs? Not many answers here for you., but thought I would reply with some of my thoughts .

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    Petulia  (28-05-2017)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Petulia View Post
    Thanks MrsErinR for bumping the post. I'm not ok but I'm hanging on hoping the medication will start to work at some point.
    Where does the joy come from? Definitely all work with no reward form me. I do not want to screw these kids up, with them growing up feeling like I resent being a mother.
    The psychiatrist I said he has noticed an association between DE babies and higher rates of PND. I know that I never felt attached during the pregnancy, I felt more like a surrogate. I look at them now and all I can see is that they are my partner's kids, not mine.
    For me, the joy comes from little things. Getting a smile or laugh out of one of them. When it's a hard patch, I can't find that joy at all. I'm just angry. Usually that is now when settling is hard as I think that's what triggered my stresses early on and while it's been going well for a while now, when we relapse the anxiety about it floods back.

    I also find now that I'm not working outside the home and I don't get time for exercise or anything much that is just for me, I have no outlet for stress. So, it manifests with me slamming doors, throwing things, crying when I have a tough patch. Sounds awful when I say it...I can't believe I'm that person....but I just have to get anxiety out some way.

    It's interesting that you mentioned about a link between PND and DE. I think anyone that has gone down the DE route has already faced significant stress in their lives. If you've succeeded via DE then there's a tendency to think you should be happy and grateful all the time and never complain because you've finally been so lucky. Well that's not realistic. Parenting is just really HARD sometimes.

    Sorry I don't know about the meds. How long have you been on them? I really hope they help you out of your current feelings and things start to look a bit more positive. If they're not working, maybe you should go back to see doctor sooner rather than later.

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    Petulia  (28-05-2017)

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    I'm sorry tour struggling so much, if you felt like an incubator during the pregnancy then yes I can see how you may be having trouble viewing them as a part of you, but they definitely are, I'm not sure if you have read up on epigenetics, I'm also not sure if it will make any difference to the way you feel right now, but if you haven't, it may be a good read and hopefully some of it will click with you. I'm also not sure about what the dr has said regarding de babies either, I know plenty of ladies who have oe children struggle to bond with their babies also, sometimes it can take a good year to finally feel some type of bond with them. If your bottle feeding can you make some time for you, leave the babies at home with your d/h and go and catch up with a friend for coffee, or go to the gym if your an exercise type of person, I know you probably won't feel like doing that atm, but sometimes having that break and removing yourself can do a world of wonders even for just a short time, I don't know if it would help, but if you had adopted the babies would you love them any less because they didn't look like you? I'm just trying to help shift the focus on what they look like for you, your own egg babies may not have looked anything like you either, none of my oe babies look like me, I think they all take after the "other side " apart from 2 and I can see my mothers side in them but not me, my de babies definitely don't look like me, but they will pick up my mannerisms, I'm not sure if I'm helping at all, but I really am sure your doing a wonderful job even if you don't feel you are, and it's very important that you take time out for yourself if you can and keep on reaching out as you have

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    Petulia  (28-05-2017)

  14. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrsErinR View Post
    For me, the joy comes from little things. Getting a smile or laugh out of one of them. When it's a hard patch, I can't find that joy at all. I'm just angry. Usually that is now when settling is hard as I think that's what triggered my stresses early on and while it's been going well for a while now, when we relapse the anxiety about it floods back.

    I also find now that I'm not working outside the home and I don't get time for exercise or anything much that is just for me, I have no outlet for stress. So, it manifests with me slamming doors, throwing things, crying when I have a tough patch. Sounds awful when I say it...I can't believe I'm that person....but I just have to get anxiety out some way.

    It's interesting that you mentioned about a link between PND and DE. I think anyone that has gone down the DE route has already faced significant stress in their lives. If you've succeeded via DE then there's a tendency to think you should be happy and grateful all the time and never complain because you've finally been so lucky. Well that's not realistic. Parenting is just really HARD sometimes.

    Sorry I don't know about the meds. How long have you been on them? I really hope they help you out of your current feelings and things start to look a bit more positive. If they're not working, maybe you should go back to see doctor sooner rather than later.
    I can't even get joy out of the smiles at the moment. And I am that person too, slamming doors, etc. At my worst I have screamed at the top of my lungs and sworn at them, had to walk outside. I stress a lot about the settling too. The crying and not being able to do when I want to do it because they're not sleeping 'as they should be' really gets to me.
    I've only been on what my psychiatrist thinks is a therapeutic dose for 3 days. Before that he thinks I was basically in a dose that was not treating it at all.

  15. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by stacey10 View Post
    I'm sorry tour struggling so much, if you felt like an incubator during the pregnancy then yes I can see how you may be having trouble viewing them as a part of you, but they definitely are, I'm not sure if you have read up on epigenetics, I'm also not sure if it will make any difference to the way you feel right now, but if you haven't, it may be a good read and hopefully some of it will click with you. I'm also not sure about what the dr has said regarding de babies either, I know plenty of ladies who have oe children struggle to bond with their babies also, sometimes it can take a good year to finally feel some type of bond with them. If your bottle feeding can you make some time for you, leave the babies at home with your d/h and go and catch up with a friend for coffee, or go to the gym if your an exercise type of person, I know you probably won't feel like doing that atm, but sometimes having that break and removing yourself can do a world of wonders even for just a short time, I don't know if it would help, but if you had adopted the babies would you love them any less because they didn't look like you? I'm just trying to help shift the focus on what they look like for you, your own egg babies may not have looked anything like you either, none of my oe babies look like me, I think they all take after the "other side " apart from 2 and I can see my mothers side in them but not me, my de babies definitely don't look like me, but they will pick up my mannerisms, I'm not sure if I'm helping at all, but I really am sure your doing a wonderful job even if you don't feel you are, and it's very important that you take time out for yourself if you can and keep on reaching out as you have
    It's not so much what they look like, though it would probably make a difference if I could see myself in them. More that I never really felt like they were mine or part of me. I have no idea how I'd feel if I adopted. The terrible problem is I carried them and I don't feel like I love them. I kept waiting for it to happen but it didn't. But I don't know that just because I know genetically they aren't mine that that is what is causing the problem. I don't even want to talk about them. I can't even stand it when my MIL goes on about how cute/beautiful/clever/strong they are, and tries to get them to say dada (not mama by the way) even though they can't even hold their heads up yet for godssake.


 

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