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  1. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by magicmashie View Post
    That's a pretty big statement saying that your not sure your hubby would miss you just the convenience of you. Have you spoken about this with him and tried to give him some chores to do too to take the burden of everything off you? Before the resentment builds to a point that it can't be fixed?
    Yes I tried but he doesn't agree so didn't get far. Still trying to broach that again

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  3. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly81 View Post
    Haha no! But that's because I've pretty much always still been breastfeeding since we've had kids so I check in to make sure he doesn't need me to come home for a feed and just doesn't want to bother me. Also, I'll enjoy myself if I know they're asleep, not because I don't think he's capable of coping, just mum/wife guilt of not wanting any of them ( husband included) to be stressed or unhappy.
    The mother guilt is awful and I completely get it because I felt that way too. It definitely helped once I was no longer breastfeeding as I knew my boobs weren't needed. In the end I figured that if I was having a bad night with the kids I srill wouldn't call DH and tell him to come home (unless it was really dire), but I might tell him he's on morning duty after my terrible night...I figured he'd do the same if he needed to, and thought that if he knew I'd call if I needed him it probably annoyed him that I was checking in on him (like I didn't trust that he could do it on his own). Once my kids got past baby/toddler stage I realised how much my DH does not need me to look after the kids and run the household. If I go out now, or come home from on afternoon shift on a weekend I have asked DH to text me the number of children I am coming home to because often I'll come home and there'll be 4 or 5 extra bodies sleeping in my lounge room and DH will have cooked for them, cleaned up, and ensured there was enough food for breakfast for everyone while I was gone. It's my idea of a nightmare, and DH makes it look like it's the easiest thing in the world 😂

  4. #43
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    This resonates with me so so much. DH helps a lot but the mental burden is exhausting and negatively impacts on my way of life.

    I get told that its great that DH cooks 2-3 nights a week. I meal planned, I bought the groceries, I defrosted the meat, I told him what to cook, I sent him the recipe, I reminded him to pick up anything thats missing

  5. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly81 View Post
    DH and I regularly have this argument but I never really know how to articulate myself when I try to explain that I can never 'turn off.'

    I know DH 'does' heaps compared to some other husband's, and often I don't have to ask, but that's mostly because he now has his 'jobs' that he regularly does without me asking, I would have to ask for him to stray from that routine (i.e. Vacuuming needs to be done--he would never notice). When DH goes out for drinks with friends he is able to completely turn off, doesn't send a message asking if the boys went to bed ok, etc. if I go out for drinks not only do I not turn off but DH also always comments how 'easy' his evening was, everything went smoothly. This is because he only does what he 'has' to do but also doesn't worry about anything else, because he knows I already do (booking appts, prescriptions, meals, activities, etc). Whereas my evenings on my own don't go that smoothly because I'm trying to remember everything that needs to be done at the same time. When I have time to turn on the tv and watch an episode of something I've been dying to watch it often takes me like 3 days to get through one episode because I keep pausing and rewinding because I missed something because I was doing whatever job on the computer. DH just sits down and watches something.

    Then there are our phones and this is when I feel this really shows the balance of mental load. Whenever I ask DH to get off his phone in front of the boys, he will snap at me that I'm always on my phone in front of them. But here's the difference:

    ---I am usually looking up something that has to do with caring for the boys. Booking or googling times and options of activities. Buying them clothes they need. Trying to finish the online shop. Googling about eczema. Googling about how to help ds2 sleep better. Googling about potty training, the dummy fairy, weaning, breastfeeding issues, etc etc etc.

    ---DH is looking up AFL scores.
    the last bit about the phones is so true!!! dh always accuses me of being on my phone when i bark at him to put his down, but my phone use is usually looking things up/trying to stay organized etc. his is always social media related, emails or checking footy scores etc!!

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  7. #45
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    this thread also reminds me of the day i had yesterday. i'm away this weekend on a solo girls weekend (solo as in, dh and ds are staying here and i'm going on my own) interstate. rather than just enjoy my "day off", i rushed about like a blue ar$ed fly getting things organized for ds so dh's weekend is as easy as possible. i wonder, would a man do this if the roles are reversed? some might, but i'm guessing many wouldn't.

    it's the mum guilt thing again; i'm going off and having a weekend to myself and i feel bad about leaving dh on his own so i spend time and effort making it easier for him. or maybe i'm just really considerate? either way, i doubt a guy would go to the same trouble for his wife!

  8. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by smallpotatoes View Post
    This resonates with me so so much. DH helps a lot but the mental burden is exhausting and negatively impacts on my way of life.

    I get told that its great that DH cooks 2-3 nights a week. I meal planned, I bought the groceries, I defrosted the meat, I told him what to cook, I sent him the recipe, I reminded him to pick up anything thats missing
    This is me too. My DH is very helpful, but I still carry nearly all of the mental load, and then have to hear about 'how good I've got it'. He just doesn't grasp how exhausting running 4 lives through your head all day every day can be, and I have no idea how to make him see.

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    I think its true in many cases, according to what I hear on forums. But it certainly isn't true for everyone. DH and I both work pretty much equal hours, do equal housework / child rearing, and carry equal mental load. (strangely enough we both feel exhausted much of the time). I think 'mental load' is getting harder these days too as you are expected to do more and more to be a proper parent, and it seems like workplaces expect more and more out of staff too.

    So I think the comic is really good to raise awareness but they need to rethink some of the wording, because in places it said that 'women always do x' and that's not true.
    The stuff about men not knowing their kids shoe size, next vaccination or anything like that is not true of my DH, and its also not true for a lot of the other dads I know.
    Last edited by DynamiteandaLazerBeam; 24-05-2017 at 20:22. Reason: missed out a word that changed the meaning

  10. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by turquoisecoast View Post
    this thread also reminds me of the day i had yesterday. i'm away this weekend on a solo girls weekend (solo as in, dh and ds are staying here and i'm going on my own) interstate. rather than just enjoy my "day off", i rushed about like a blue ar$ed fly getting things organized for ds so dh's weekend is as easy as possible. i wonder, would a man do this if the roles are reversed? some might, but i'm guessing many wouldn't.

    it's the mum guilt thing again; i'm going off and having a weekend to myself and i feel bad about leaving dh on his own so i spend time and effort making it easier for him. or maybe i'm just really considerate? either way, i doubt a guy would go to the same trouble for his wife!
    Weekends away to relax are not supposed to be about a week of stress in to the lead up as you do all the jobs that are done on the weekend.
    I think it's just so ingrained in us due to societies expectations from past generarions spilling over. I am really determined to teach my kids that it's not a woman's job. It's really interesting hearing the different things that kids think about the dynamics of the household when they're old enough to communicate. If we notice any stereotypes we change things up among ourselves in an effort to remove the idea they have. I have always said 'I am a wife and I am a mother, neither of us words have slave in them.' It's ALL about team work here...everyone pitches in to share the load (equal amounts for DH and I).

  11. #49
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    I've never had a wkd away!!

    I was supposed to go this Thursday, back Saturday arvo, but of course DH arranged an interstate work event on Thursday night, he completely forgot about me...
    So now I have to run around like crazy on Friday morning so that I can dump the kids super early at childcare then leave. And I'll miss one night with the girlfriends.

  12. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by Full House View Post
    Weekends away to relax are not supposed to be about a week of stress in to the lead up as you do all the jobs that are done on the weekend.
    I think it's just so ingrained in us due to societies expectations from past generarions spilling over. I am really determined to teach my kids that it's not a woman's job. It's really interesting hearing the different things that kids think about the dynamics of the household when they're old enough to communicate. If we notice any stereotypes we change things up among ourselves in an effort to remove the idea they have. I have always said 'I am a wife and I am a mother, neither of us words have slave in them.' It's ALL about team work here...everyone pitches in to share the load (equal amounts for DH and I).
    i was at home on tuesday as i don't work that day. ds did a 3 hour sleep so i thought it best to prepare some food ahead of time, food that both dh and ds can eat easily and without fuss. i know it's hard wrangling a toddler who's going b@tsh!t crazy ripping the house apart, it's hard when there's 2 of you, never mind on your own. dh was at work so i figured rather than sit around and do nothing, i may as well cook something. i actually didn't have much else to do and i enjoy cooking for the most part, so it was ok. but for sure, the mum guilt was a major motivating factor too.


 

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