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  1. #31
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    DH and I regularly have this argument but I never really know how to articulate myself when I try to explain that I can never 'turn off.'

    I know DH 'does' heaps compared to some other husband's, and often I don't have to ask, but that's mostly because he now has his 'jobs' that he regularly does without me asking, I would have to ask for him to stray from that routine (i.e. Vacuuming needs to be done--he would never notice). When DH goes out for drinks with friends he is able to completely turn off, doesn't send a message asking if the boys went to bed ok, etc. if I go out for drinks not only do I not turn off but DH also always comments how 'easy' his evening was, everything went smoothly. This is because he only does what he 'has' to do but also doesn't worry about anything else, because he knows I already do (booking appts, prescriptions, meals, activities, etc). Whereas my evenings on my own don't go that smoothly because I'm trying to remember everything that needs to be done at the same time. When I have time to turn on the tv and watch an episode of something I've been dying to watch it often takes me like 3 days to get through one episode because I keep pausing and rewinding because I missed something because I was doing whatever job on the computer. DH just sits down and watches something.

    Then there are our phones and this is when I feel this really shows the balance of mental load. Whenever I ask DH to get off his phone in front of the boys, he will snap at me that I'm always on my phone in front of them. But here's the difference:

    ---I am usually looking up something that has to do with caring for the boys. Booking or googling times and options of activities. Buying them clothes they need. Trying to finish the online shop. Googling about eczema. Googling about how to help ds2 sleep better. Googling about potty training, the dummy fairy, weaning, breastfeeding issues, etc etc etc.

    ---DH is looking up AFL scores.

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  3. #32
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    I showed it to DP and he said if things are written down or already done then I wouldn't need to be thinking/remembering them.

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  5. #33
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    I am sorry I started this thread last night then disappeared! I had a very packed day at work.
    I've read through all the responses and it's a really interesting discussion to see where people place themselves and how/why they've gotten to that place.
    I sent it to my DH this morning and as I suspected his response was 'but you're a control freak and you like doing everything'
    Last night at 10pm I was doing our grocery order to get delivered tonight because I knew we didn't have enough milk for dd for another day and that DH had run out of bananas and yoghurt. Yet he is oblivious to these simplicities. My DH is a 42 year old super independent man who went to boarding school and was in the army, has moved countries multiple times and lived on his own when I met him at age 34 - more than capable of taking care of himself. But somehow my ingrained sense of traditional gender roles (my mum does everything for my father to a ridiculous level - he is incapable of any cooking/cleaning etc) have crept into our relationship to the point I hold all this info in my brain all the time. It's exhausting! @HollyGolightly81 your post really resonated with me. I've been working a lot of weekends lately and DH has been at home with dd. Normally when I'm with dd 2 days a week (1 at the moment because I'm doing extra hours) I'm frantically multi-tasking because I know the beds need changing, food shopping needs doing, slow cooker needs to be put on, dd needs a load of veggie pasta and snacks done for the freezer, floors need doing, chemist run needs to be done etc etc whereas his time with dd is literally just sitting on the couch watching tv with her or going out for fun stuff (not chores). So of course it's 'easy' being home with her because he's just doing the bare minimum!
    Sorry for my rambling (I have a massive cold in my defence!). I'm not hating on my DH at all because he's great I'm just musing over how it got to this place and how I can change it. Thankfully he does absolutely recognize what I do and is thankful for it and he does his fair share around the house chore-wise but I'd love to get to a place where the mental load is also shared more equally. I'll keep working on it as I think it's important for our daughter to see her mum and dad doing everything interchangeably.

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  7. #34
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    I am probably too tired to be concise but I had a quick chat with DH on the way home.

    For us, I do admit I have resentment that I feel like I have to do everything. Or be bossy to get it done. A few things have contributed to it.

    Maternity leave. I BF so feeding is my job when baby is teeny. I am at home anyway so clean/cook when I can. I am better at cooking/meal planning which leads into shopping/shopping list. Also during the first few months and when pregnant I was snappy and DH just backed off a bit.

    This then led into me spending so much time with the kids they want me for everything. And DH doesn't know cues for hungry etc as well with DS/DD when they are little as he just does not spend as much time with them.

    I noticed he automatically does things for DS now as he is older. He is recognising some cues from DD so is more proactive there.

    I think I am rambling but he is more 'mental load' with all the bills and also with plans of doing stuff. I do more the home stuff/kid stuff.

    I think it is still pretty uneven but its a work in progress.

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  9. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly81 View Post
    DH and I regularly have this argument but I never really know how to articulate myself when I try to explain that I can never 'turn off.'

    I know DH 'does' heaps compared to some other husband's, and often I don't have to ask, but that's mostly because he now has his 'jobs' that he regularly does without me asking, I would have to ask for him to stray from that routine (i.e. Vacuuming needs to be done--he would never notice). When DH goes out for drinks with friends he is able to completely turn off, doesn't send a message asking if the boys went to bed ok, etc. if I go out for drinks not only do I not turn off but DH also always comments how 'easy' his evening was, everything went smoothly. This is because he only does what he 'has' to do but also doesn't worry about anything else, because he knows I already do (booking appts, prescriptions, meals, activities, etc). Whereas my evenings on my own don't go that smoothly because I'm trying to remember everything that needs to be done at the same time. When I have time to turn on the tv and watch an episode of something I've been dying to watch it often takes me like 3 days to get through one episode because I keep pausing and rewinding because I missed something because I was doing whatever job on the computer. DH just sits down and watches something.

    Then there are our phones and this is when I feel this really shows the balance of mental load. Whenever I ask DH to get off his phone in front of the boys, he will snap at me that I'm always on my phone in front of them. But here's the difference:

    ---I am usually looking up something that has to do with caring for the boys. Booking or googling times and options of activities. Buying them clothes they need. Trying to finish the online shop. Googling about eczema. Googling about how to help ds2 sleep better. Googling about potty training, the dummy fairy, weaning, breastfeeding issues, etc etc etc.

    ---DH is looking up AFL scores.
    Have you tried not messaging DH when you're out? I mean I know that sounds so simple, but would you go home if one of your kids was having trouble settling to sleep? I used to do this too...message DH and ask if the kids were in bed and if they were okay...one day I asked him why he didn't think to do the same. His response was 'because I know you can take care of it, and if you can't you'll call me.' It was just so simple...if DH wasn't able to cope with a situation he'll call me. So ever since then I've put my phone on the table so I can see it ring if I'm at a restaurant or something and not message to see how things are at home.

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  11. #36
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    I keep track of long-term things (like specialist appointments and vaccinations for our DD).
    DF works away so when he's home he's not working and he manages all of the shopping, washing, cooking, bill paying etc. When he's away I do all of that obviously. I sort of find it more stressful not being in charge because I don't know what has/hasn't been done and I'm not 100% confident that he will do everything. But I've learnt to let go and if there is no milk to make my morning coffee, if we get the odd overdue charge for paying a bill late or the kids occasionally wear a slightly dirty uniform to school it's not the end of the world.

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  13. #37
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    I do 95 % of the mental load. He works and I don't. I do 95% of the household chores and all of family management. He mows which on average 5 hours a week (big yard/push mower) and the all the daily shopping with the lists I provide.

    We are pretty happy with this arrangement. It works well for us.
    I find it helps the power balance in our home. I control all of the finances and appointments etc. Dh has to ask me before spending money or making appointments outside of work hours.

  14. #38
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    Yes this is is. 100% of the mental load falls on me, in fact everything falls on me bar DH picking DD up one night a week from sport. I work 4 days a week as well and am a chronic insomniac. DH for the most part gets up, goes to work, comes home and that's it although may rough and tumble with the kids after dinner.

    I hold some resentment, a lot of frustration and a lot of exhaustion. Sometimes I don't think DH would miss me if I wasn't here, he'd just miss the convenience of me

  15. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by Full House View Post
    Have you tried not messaging DH when you're out? I mean I know that sounds so simple, but would you go home if one of your kids was having trouble settling to sleep? I used to do this too...message DH and ask if the kids were in bed and if they were okay...one day I asked him why he didn't think to do the same. His response was 'because I know you can take care of it, and if you can't you'll call me.' It was just so simple...if DH wasn't able to cope with a situation he'll call me. So ever since then I've put my phone on the table so I can see it ring if I'm at a restaurant or something and not message to see how things are at home.
    Haha no! But that's because I've pretty much always still been breastfeeding since we've had kids so I check in to make sure he doesn't need me to come home for a feed and just doesn't want to bother me. Also, I'll enjoy myself if I know they're asleep, not because I don't think he's capable of coping, just mum/wife guilt of not wanting any of them ( husband included) to be stressed or unhappy.

  16. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by ICanDream View Post
    Yes this is is. 100% of the mental load falls on me, in fact everything falls on me bar DH picking DD up one night a week from sport. I work 4 days a week as well and am a chronic insomniac. DH for the most part gets up, goes to work, comes home and that's it although may rough and tumble with the kids after dinner.

    I hold some resentment, a lot of frustration and a lot of exhaustion. Sometimes I don't think DH would miss me if I wasn't here, he'd just miss the convenience of me
    That's a pretty big statement saying that your not sure your hubby would miss you just the convenience of you. Have you spoken about this with him and tried to give him some chores to do too to take the burden of everything off you? Before the resentment builds to a point that it can't be fixed?


 

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