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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tiny Dancer View Post

    I'd also like to add, that this happens in same sex couples, too. I think it is more that one person just takes these things on, and then the other person just slowly gives them up, so the first takes more and more on. Then the other person just doesn't pick them back up. I mean, how nice would it be to not have to think about all that stuff! I think in hetero couples it generally falls to the women because of traditional gender roles, but also because social conditioning means its generally that women seem to care more .
    I can confirm that this is true being in a same sex relationship. The one who works away from the home tends to become less aware of home stuff however:

    I have found this when I'm interacting with hetro mums and they don't know I'm in a same sex relationship: they expect me to cater more to my partner when they think I've got a man at home instead of a woman. For example I've heard from other mums "wow you have no excuse not to have dinner ready" and "your partner does the grocery shopping, you should be so grateful" etc etc.

    When I'm talking to other mums and they know I'm in a same sex relationship there isn't this expectation that i should have it all under control at home even though my partner works full time and i work part time. No one ever says things like that to me when they know i don't have a man at home.

    Just an observation but do we, as women, also put pressure on other women and mothers to conform to gender roles (in hetro relationships)?

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  3. #22
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    This is really interesting!!! We are currently considering a role swap for next year and I will go back to work full time and my husband is going to work three days a week and have our daughter on the other two days. It will be interesting to see if the mental and physical household work division changes. I've told him that he will be responsible for all the things that i am currently responsible for!

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  5. #23
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    I generally take on about 90% of household tasks. Both hubby and I work full time, but I manage the household and all the budgeting. I cook, clean and wrangle the child around dinner and bedtime, and helping her get ready for school in the mornings. I don't mind. He will help if I ask, but I often forget and just do it myself anyway. He does repair things around the home and work on our yard outside though. But I do all the weeding and gardening too. It's not really even. But our whole family sleeps in on Saturdays usually. We are busy people. While I'm working on house stuff, hubby has often brought work home. I do to, but I just have to wait until my daughter is in bed before I do it.

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  7. #24
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    saw this posted on fb and agree a million percent. my dh is soooo hands on, supportive and helpful but i do feel the "mental load" is largely mine, as far as indoors chores go anyway. i honestly don't think he's ever changed the bed, never makes it and rarely does the laundry. i'm always the one with the running checklist in my phone of things to be done. i think this factor is definitely a contributor to my anxiety levels at times, i feel like there's always so much to think about!!

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  9. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by frankie46 View Post
    I was like this too until I went back to work, and this is our big struggle. It's been 2 years and I'm still doing everything I was as a SAHM as well as working part time. It can be very draining!
    That's the thing... the shift usually happens once a family has kids. Because women take time off and then their job is to run the household. Which is fine if that's your only job.
    But once you get back to work, there's no reason why planning and managing the household stays with the women... but it usually does.

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  11. #26
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    Totally agree with it for my household and it's the reason I feel fatigued a lot of the time. The physical chores DH "helps" with don't go anywhere in supporting the 100% mental load I carry. I've tried to explain it to him but he really doesn't get how exhausting it can be. His response is usually "go away for the weekend " like he does twice a year for his boys trips. I'm slowly getting him to do more physical things like taking kids to swimming, etc so I have 45mins to myself to recharge. In previous years I did all the kids activities while he was at work but it all got too much so this year I scheduled them conveniently after his work day or the weekend. Something had to give. I feel like he's not as good at carrying the mental load stuff so I get him to help me in other ways.

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  13. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Candiceo View Post
    I Just an observation but do we, as women, also put pressure on other women and mothers to conform to gender roles (in hetro relationships)?
    @Candiceo I'm not sure. I don't want to speak for everyone, but I can say for sure that I absolutely put the pressure on myself to carry the mental load ... I just hadn't been aware of it until now. I was raised in a super traditional christian household, and this was what was modelled for me. Whenever I have let DH take over the mental load, I have experienced this vague sense of failure. It's such a deep-rooted idea in my mind that it's MY role to take it all on.

    Given that it is so deeply ingrained and something that I was not at all consciously aware of, I think maybe I am/have been someone who reinforces the idea and does pressure other women to conform. It's like I can be two people at the same time: the conscious me who believes so strongly in the need to pursue gender equality; and the unconscious me who is reinforcing traditional, unequal behaviours and attitudes that lie unquestioned at the core of who I am and how I've been raised.

    It's an unpleasant realisation.

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    Default 'The mental load' - distribution of household mental labour

    Changed my mind
    Last edited by granny1; 23-05-2017 at 18:19.

  15. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by binnielici View Post
    Sigh yes 100% I carry the mental load in our house. I am sick of him saying 'you should have asked'. I turn around and say 'why? Why should I ask? If I wasn't here would you need someone to tell you?' Doesn't change anything though. It's exhausting.
    Yeeesss THIS ^^^ why do we have to ask? We both live in the same house, we are both parents. Why should we as women constantly have to ask for help or for something to be done? It does my head in! My DH doesn't even think to bring the bins in when he comes home. He never stops to think about how all this stuff gets done. He's more than happy to do whatever if asked but it's the point that I shouldn't have to ask!

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  17. #30
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    Yes I can relate so much to this comic. We have gotten much better recently...I've been working so much that I've just had to let things go and either dh organises it or it doesn't happen. I still do most of the mental work...dh can be terrible at organising things. Eg. Recently his car needed a new tyre. I said if he organises a new tyre I'll organise payment (I manage the finances). Three weeks went by with dh driving on an almost flat tyre until I told him to ring the tyre company and book in right then and there. Sigh.
    Last edited by AdornedWithCats; 23-05-2017 at 18:50.

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