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  1. #1
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    Default New parents and missing out/ being left out

    Hi all,

    pretty sensitive subject for me and i feel pretty bad about it so i'd like some positive advice/experience. Sorry for the long post too.

    Let me say first that i have always wanted children and dearly want this little one. We have struggled to get there so I am deeply grateful. I am surrounded by friends with fertility issues like us as well as miscarriage or infant death. So i understand how deeply lucky i am.

    I moved to Australia a few years ago and only have 2-3 -close- friends, they all live at least 1.5 hours away, where we used to live.
    DH grew up in Victoria and has a very tight knit group of 15 or so very close friends.
    Most of our socialising is with DH's group of friends amongst which i am well integrated but they are still firstly DH's friends.

    Going out with our group of friends yesterday, i was "volunteered" to babysit our friend's children as it wasn't recommended to plaint paintball while pregnant. I ended up quite angry at sitting on the outside watching everyone have fun for 2.5 hours and then spending 2 hours having lunch with a group of people discussing their fantastic morning... while i babysat 2 children that i didn't know and had quite a boring morning.

    I realised then that this was an insight in the years to come and got so depressed. I really don't like missing out, i like these people and love doing things with them but realistically, after baby has arrived, this will mostly be DH's fun only. I realise now why the wives of our friends who have children rarely -never- ever come to group events: sitting with the children on the sidelines watching others having fun is horrible, better to stay home and find something to do.

    I know myself though, i know that staying home while DH goes out with "our" group of friends to do things i would have liked doing, that i used to do with them while I am being "left out" will be very hard for me to deal with - i think. There isn't much alternatives of course: someone needs to take care of our little one and if DH or his friends (90% childless) organise something, it wouldn't make sense for DH not to be present or not to participate. I don't want to resent DH for his fun or resent this little one -whom i love and want very much...

    So what i'm asking is have you felt this same "irritation" and fear of being left behind and miss out before your child was born? If so, how did/do you deal with it? Did you still feel the same after your child was born? How do you manage it?

    Sorry for the long and selfish post.

  2. #2
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    Unfortunately just the way it is, once you have kids someone has to miss out and mind the kids. Hopefully you can take it in turn and each parent will get the opportunity to do some activities they enjoy. You will find new activities you can enjoy as a family as well. And the time doesn't last very long, after a few years they're old enough to come along with you and participate.

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    I think it's bound to change, hubby's two best mates both had kids within 12 months of our first so we all had the baby stage together and it changed what we did, it changed again majorly when both of those other couples ended up divorcing within a few years and now the boys catch up alone or sometimes dads and kids.

    Hopefully once your child comes along you will meet some new friends to add to this group of friends. Maybe the other mums in the group and yourself can organise things to do together and suggest child friendly catch ups so you don't always feel like you're missing out. I'm sure the parents of the kids you looked after were grateful they got to join in on the weekend.

    We now have a 5 year old and a 2.5 year old, there's plenty of fun things we can do with kids even if it's just us and the kids. We also try to make time to do things as adults, I'm in the process of organising a night out doing an escape room, everyone else is childless so they go oh yeah that night works meanwhile I have to organise babysitters in addition to a free night.

  4. #4
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    Things change after kids. We do take the kids with us a lot of places (obviously not out late drinking or anything) but we both look after them.

    What were/are your thoughts/expectations?

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    If there are a few mums in the group, can you try to organise it that two babysit all the kids while the other mums go off and then next time, a different two sit out. I say two, that way they can have company as well. But then it's a little more fair as everyone gets a turn getting to go out?

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    We were the first of our friends to have kids, so they would often go out for 8pm dinners which just didn't work for us anymore so we didn't go. We would however make an effort to invite them to our house or to go out for lunch so we could maintain the friendships. Once another two couples had babies (our daughter was 2 at the time), the group dynamic changed and now we see the friends with kids really often, probably once every fortnight if not more often, and those who are childless have drifted a bit and we see them far less. You might find that you make your own friends if you go to a mothers group and will get your social fix from that.

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    Yep, things change.

    I'd suggest you discuss it with your husband, otherwise you'll end up resenting him. Even if they were 'his' friends first, recreation time needs to be shared. He shouldn't get to go out whenever his friends get together, while you look after bub, just because he knew them first.

    Before we had kids, I'd see my group of friends pretty much every week, and 1/3 of the time my husband would come too. These days, I see them maybe once every 6 weeks (whilst they still get together all the time) and half of the time I have the kids with me. It sucks feeling left out, but that's the reality. Priorities change. I actually found it harder when my first was younger, and I'd take her along to see my friends but be forever tending to her (changing, chasing her, finding somewhere quiet so that she would actually FEED) whilst nobody helped me. They were all childless, and not used to kids being around, so none of them offered any help.

    I still make it a priority to see my friends, but I just can't realistically spend as much time with them as I used to. I spend a lot more time with my sister than I used to (she has a young child too), and get my other socialising in through work/playgroups/school parents.

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    Default New parents and missing out/ being left out

    I think everyone goes through it in some way.

    If your friends are truly your friends then they'll still hang out with you after Bub is born.

    A close family member of mine swore that they'd still be able to have the same awesome social life after they had a kid. They'd berate us for being half an hour late when hey were childless. Fast forward a few years, and when their 1st child refused to sleep at a dinner party they finally realised that they had to start staying home a bit more with the child.

    It changes and it goes so fast. We went to Europe last year with 3 kids, and although the fun was different to what we did when we were childless, it was still awesome.

    The point of my ramble is, you can still do stuff, and you'll find that you'll change to suit your family's circumstances.

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    Unfortunately it's life. I'm in a similar situation where my closest friends have either moved away, the friendship has gradually died or I've cut it off. DH has a group of friends we've both with friends with for 20+ years, but they were his friends first and being the only girl I kind of get forgotten So these would be my thoughts for you:

    1) organise parties/get togethers yourself and invite them. Then make an agreement with your partner that it's 50/50 - one time you deal with the kids, one time he does. When it's your 'do' people tend to not fob their kids off to you and leave you out lol

    2) make an effort to get to know the wives - who from what you have said have been cast to the proverbial side lines as well. Have a girls night once a month where for once, the men care for the kids and you girls go out. Don't ask permission, tell him when it's happening.

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    Things will change for DH too once your baby comes along. He definitely won't be able to just up and leave and go socialising whenever he wants - it has to work for both of you. You need your social time too. As others have said your circle will definitely expand once bub comes along, you'll meet so many other mum's and your social activities will be mothers groups, play centres, coffee catch ups etc. definitely try to get to know the partners of your husbands friends too. Maybe invite some couples over for dinner, then after bub arrives you can schedule play dates or weekend BBQs. DP and I don't socialise as much as we used to but BBQs at home with friends work well for everyone as the kids can play, the mum's can chat and the dads can do their thing . It's a new normal, and you will adjust!


 

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