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  1. #1
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    Default Trying to let go of #4

    Please move if I got this in the wrong place.... I'm looking for advice for trying to let go of ttc #4...I have my perfect dd2 who is my third child only 7 weeks old but I find my self sitting here pining for #4...

    I have always been wanted 4 children since I can remember but for many reasons we decided to stop at 3... these reason are
    1. Pregnancy and the last c-section really knocked me around.
    2. Our 4 bedroom house means each child gets their own room, but adding a 4th means 2 will have to share.
    3. Financially we cannot afford another child ... we had all ours privately and I'm still trying to keep up with the bills... I dropped pregnancy from our private health cover as well...
    4. Our SUV fits 3 kids well but we would need a new car for 4 kids...

    The worst thing is I cannot think of 1 good reason to want a 4th... my mind knows it's not a good idea but I cannot help the pangs I feel when I see a toddler and a baby together... I think that is a what it's about... my first two were 18months apart and I really enjoyed having a toddler and a baby. I really want that for dd2.

    I know my husband won't get on board for number 4, he was quite happy with 2 but new I really wanted a 3rd so did it for me...

    Anyone who stopped before they were ready... does the wistfulness go away or at least dull??

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by Meld85 View Post
    Please move if I got this in the wrong place.... I'm looking for advice for trying to let go of ttc #4...I have my perfect dd2 who is my third child only 7 weeks old but I find my self sitting here pining for #4...

    I have always been wanted 4 children since I can remember but for many reasons we decided to stop at 3... these reason are
    1. Pregnancy and the last c-section really knocked me around.
    2. Our 4 bedroom house means each child gets their own room, but adding a 4th means 2 will have to share.
    3. Financially we cannot afford another child ... we had all ours privately and I'm still trying to keep up with the bills... I dropped pregnancy from our private health cover as well...
    4. Our SUV fits 3 kids well but we would need a new car for 4 kids...

    The worst thing is I cannot think of 1 good reason to want a 4th... my mind knows it's not a good idea but I cannot help the pangs I feel when I see a toddler and a baby together... I think that is a what it's about... my first two were 18months apart and I really enjoyed having a toddler and a baby. I really want that for dd2.

    I know my husband won't get on board for number 4, he was quite happy with 2 but new I really wanted a 3rd so did it for me...

    Anyone who stopped before they were ready... does the wistfulness go away or at least dull??
    I am in the same boat. Want another badly.

    But sadly we're done at 3. I keep waiting for the want to go away :/

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    Meld85  (12-05-2017)

  4. #3
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    Congrats on DD2 @Meld85! Hard to not want more when you're looking at a cute little bubba. I was exactly the same as you when it has come to #5. Wish I could tell you the want goes away, I tried for 3 years to get over it but it didn't go away. We have now been TTCing for 2 years.

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    Meld85  (12-05-2017)

  6. #4
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    My 2nd is nearly 4 and all through his pregnancy I felt like I'd go for a third (we'd never agreed on a number, but were both open to the idea of 3). Then on the operating table with my 2nd EMCS I remember thinking "I can't go through this again". So the early days with him I was very much taking in every snuggle with the worry that it may be the last time I do this.

    He was a very cruisey newborn, so it didn't take long to get clucky (DD was a colicky hell-baby for the first 8w). Despite initially tricking us, DS has been really hard work, not sleeping through until 2, fussy eater, defiant, risk taker... there's more, but the sum total has been he pretty much sealed the deal for DH having no more. We know we would both have liked to have one more, but every sane, rational and logical thought says no. Lots of similar reasons to you, plus a few more that apply to us.

    It's not been easy but I'm finally finding some peace with it. I've been starting to put me first again, taking up some old hobbies I used to be passionate about pre-kids, I'm working full time, I'm finding myself thinking "ugh, I wouldn't want to go through the whole baby phase again" but a year ago I was still feeling in my heart we should go again and I would never have a thought like that! It surprises me when I catch myself thinking that way as I felt like I would never get to this point.

    I did back right away from Bubhub for a bit, which definitely helped. It's easy to get swept up in the excitement and nostalgia of positivs pregnancy tests and newborn-ness (while brushing aside the TTC woes, miscarriages, pregnancy risks, birth trauma, post partum CS recovery, and sooooo many nights of broken sleep). Stepping back for a while has let me focus on how I want to use my time and the 'vision' I have for our family of 4, rather than staying in a 'what if' limbo.

    So for me, yes it fades. It's not gone, but it doesn't constantly hurt anymore and I can genuinely focus on the positives now.

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    Lil Smurfy  (12-05-2017),Meld85  (12-05-2017),smallpotatoes  (12-05-2017)

  8. #5
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    I had niggly feelings after my 4th was born. Once our youngest was about 1.5, we decided to try for another. Tried for 11 months and fell pregnant, lost the baby and DH decided he didn't want to try anymore.
    For 5 months now, I've been saying I'm going to go get the Mirena but I just haven't had the motivation to do it (as well as living out of town and the logistics of finding a gyn to do it is difficult). He is sure he doesn't want one but I have that little black spot inside that feels so so sad.
    I know I have 4 and I really really should be grateful (and I am!!) but it doesn't help ease the feeling that someone is missing.
    We drive a big 4wd and have a spare seat. We are already in a smaller house so the kids are used to sharing. I'm spending the next 5 years doing study by distance. DH is going for a promotion (that he is a shoe in for) shortly. I feel like there aren't many logical reasons to deter me. It would be easier if it just wasn't possible.

    I hope this feeling goes away.

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    Meld85  (12-05-2017)

  10. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stretched View Post
    My 2nd is nearly 4 and all through his pregnancy I felt like I'd go for a third (we'd never agreed on a number, but were both open to the idea of 3). Then on the operating table with my 2nd EMCS I remember thinking "I can't go through this again". So the early days with him I was very much taking in every snuggle with the worry that it may be the last time I do this.

    He was a very cruisey newborn, so it didn't take long to get clucky (DD was a colicky hell-baby for the first 8w). Despite initially tricking us, DS has been really hard work, not sleeping through until 2, fussy eater, defiant, risk taker... there's more, but the sum total has been he pretty much sealed the deal for DH having no more. We know we would both have liked to have one more, but every sane, rational and logical thought says no. Lots of similar reasons to you, plus a few more that apply to us.

    It's not been easy but I'm finally finding some peace with it. I've been starting to put me first again, taking up some old hobbies I used to be passionate about pre-kids, I'm working full time, I'm finding myself thinking "ugh, I wouldn't want to go through the whole baby phase again" but a year ago I was still feeling in my heart we should go again and I would never have a thought like that! It surprises me when I catch myself thinking that way as I felt like I would never get to this point.

    I did back right away from Bubhub for a bit, which definitely helped. It's easy to get swept up in the excitement and nostalgia of positivs pregnancy tests and newborn-ness (while brushing aside the TTC woes, miscarriages, pregnancy risks, birth trauma, post partum CS recovery, and sooooo many nights of broken sleep). Stepping back for a while has let me focus on how I want to use my time and the 'vision' I have for our family of 4, rather than staying in a 'what if' limbo.

    So for me, yes it fades. It's not gone, but it doesn't constantly hurt anymore and I can genuinely focus on the positives now.
    Your post really resonates with me... I think my problem is I don't have anything I am passionate about... being a mum is my passion...I have a part time job but I only do it to pay the bills and they have all but told me I have no career with them since I have a family...

    I think I really need to work on my identity of who I am as mel instead of a mother... I have really wanted to find some hobbies but have always been time and financially poor...

    It would probably be a good idea for me to take a step back from bubhub as well... your right the ttc forums and the DIG's that I will never be in again really adds to the longing... I just really enjoy other parts of the Hub...

    Thanks you have given me a lot to think about...

  11. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by BabyG4 View Post
    Congrats on DD2 @Meld85! Hard to not want more when you're looking at a cute little bubba. I was exactly the same as you when it has come to #5. Wish I could tell you the want goes away, I tried for 3 years to get over it but it didn't go away. We have now been TTCing for 2 years.
    Thanks baby G4 - best of luck for number 5 ☺☺☺

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  13. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stretched View Post
    My 2nd is nearly 4 and all through his pregnancy I felt like I'd go for a third (we'd never agreed on a number, but were both open to the idea of 3). Then on the operating table with my 2nd EMCS I remember thinking "I can't go through this again". So the early days with him I was very much taking in every snuggle with the worry that it may be the last time I do this.

    He was a very cruisey newborn, so it didn't take long to get clucky (DD was a colicky hell-baby for the first 8w). Despite initially tricking us, DS has been really hard work, not sleeping through until 2, fussy eater, defiant, risk taker... there's more, but the sum total has been he pretty much sealed the deal for DH having no more. We know we would both have liked to have one more, but every sane, rational and logical thought says no. Lots of similar reasons to you, plus a few more that apply to us.

    It's not been easy but I'm finally finding some peace with it. I've been starting to put me first again, taking up some old hobbies I used to be passionate about pre-kids, I'm working full time, I'm finding myself thinking "ugh, I wouldn't want to go through the whole baby phase again" but a year ago I was still feeling in my heart we should go again and I would never have a thought like that! It surprises me when I catch myself thinking that way as I felt like I would never get to this point.

    I did back right away from Bubhub for a bit, which definitely helped. It's easy to get swept up in the excitement and nostalgia of positivs pregnancy tests and newborn-ness (while brushing aside the TTC woes, miscarriages, pregnancy risks, birth trauma, post partum CS recovery, and sooooo many nights of broken sleep). Stepping back for a while has let me focus on how I want to use my time and the 'vision' I have for our family of 4, rather than staying in a 'what if' limbo.

    So for me, yes it fades. It's not gone, but it doesn't constantly hurt anymore and I can genuinely focus on the positives now.
    Here's hoping dd2 is a bit more difficult so maybe she will snap me out of it

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    Stretched  (13-05-2017)

  15. #9
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    I'm right where you are now. Things are a bit easier for us though as we have the car and not fussed on kids sharing rooms etc. I toss between going for a fourth and not. When I talk to people they say why don't you give it time but I just can't seem to not think it about I need to make the firm choice so I can visualise which direction my life is going to go. Am I done with the baby stuff? What would my family dynamics be like? Would I really be lucky to have 4 healthy babies? My third nearly broke me physically so I have a bit of doubt of my bodies capability as well. I just don't know how to spread myself across 5 people as well. Also I worry that the busier you are the faster time goes! It's already flying! But my ideas of what I want for my life are confusing, being happy and content (and I mostly am right now apart from the niggle). Ahhhhhh very hard situation to be in. Even harder than deciding to try for your first bub!

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    Last edited by Full House; 27-07-2017 at 05:10.


 

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