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  1. #31
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    I am pleased to see more contributions to this thread. I really did want this to lead to open and general sharing, not personal stories. I think the seeds for DV are planted in childhood or teenage years. There was an ad with children, that should have made an impact. "boys will be boys," boys are rough" A boy might hurt you, because he likes you". All these general common incidents, and sayings, are a part of the problem. I also think, sometimes the family dynamics may not be DV, but the children are exposed to inequality, and see mum being over ruled, or often ignored. These sort of expierences can be also part of the problem. marie.

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  3. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by sparklebug View Post
    I'm home alone, and avoiding housework like the plague, instead reading through threads, and I'm shocked by these statistics, it's just heart breaking, I never would have thought DV rates to be so high.
    My mum is a very strong woman so I never grew up with 'traditional' views with what women can/can't do.
    I have been surprised to find some of my friends fall into these gender stereotypes, one friend in particular had (now divorced) a very controlling husband, I'd hassle her that it isn't normal that he controls the money, where she goes, phone bills, bills in general, how long she can stay out, she would always defend him and make excuses, I found it so frustrating, I hated the way she lost all her confidence, but realised later that I wasn't helping her at all, by nagging her, although even now I feel I wouldn't know how to help someone in a similar situation. I never even thought about it as DV, no one did- he was 'just controlling'.
    I guess the problem is when people say DV we often think of it as physical violence only.
    My mum is and always had been an amazingly strong woman. She stayed with my dad for a long time after the relationship became abusive (99% psychological and emotional) I think in part because of her strength. I'm not having a go at your comment, but the general misconception of these quiet-mouse-downtrodden-weak abusee women makes it hard for 'strong' women to firstly see that they are in an abusive relationship and secondly admit it (first to themselves, then to anyone else).

    Our whole family would have fallen into the 'hidden' DV category. I do training as part of my job as a teacher on identifying kids who may be in abusive environments and I, as a child, never ticked any of these boxes the 'experts' are giving us to look out for. I know in part this was because of the amazing job my mum did to 'counter' the negative influence of our dad, but mostly it's just because it was invisible unless you were a fly on the wall when no-one from 'outside' was around.

    Another thing that makes it hard is that often there are 'reasons' for the behaviour and when you make a 'til death' commitment to someone, then it can be hard to see what is wrong or right in the situation. It is such a complex issue.

    IMO there is no 'typical' abuse victim (adult or child) and I completely believe the stats are higher than what is recorded because people are very good at hiding signs of 'weakness'.

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  5. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by SSecret Squirrel View Post
    Oh and in terms of the original question. DV is unfortunately very very common. I firmly believe it will be until we achieve true equality between the sexes. The root of DV is an over entitled sense of entitlement and the desire to control. Male privilege is so deeply entrenched in our society that many people don't even recognise or question it. It provides the perfect breeding ground for young boys to grow up and believe they are better than women and therefore more deserving. My exhusband grew up in an abusive household and repeated the cycle. I fear I stayed with my ex too long and my kids are in high danger of repeating it. My son being a perpetrator and my girls not recognising they are in an unhealthy relationship. I think it will take many generations for DV to disappear from society (if ever) .
    I think this is the sense I was trying to get at in my OP. Like dv is more a spectrum / continuum from mild control to full on physical violence and the roots are so insidious, so part of society that we don't always recognise it?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    I think this is the sense I was trying to get at in my OP. Like dv is more a spectrum / continuum from mild control to full on physical violence and the roots are so insidious, so part of society that we don't always recognise it?
    Yes it is so ingrained we are almost blind to what abuse even is.

    Makes me wonder why people don't think we need feminism yet the prevalence of dv shows how mysoginistic a country like Australia still is with weak laws that don't protect victims at all and the attitude that if they don't hit you, it's ok.

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  9. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by BigRedV View Post
    Yes it is so ingrained we are almost blind to what abuse even is.

    Makes me wonder why people don't think we need feminism yet the prevalence of dv shows how mysoginistic a country like Australia still is with weak laws that don't protect victims at all and the attitude that if they don't hit you, it's ok.
    I know! And the rise of some of the men's groups. I know some have legitimate aims and no doubt there are some women who would lie in court about dv but if you read some comments you'd think half of women make up dv! Seriously most women who experience don't recognise or are scared/ ashamed, I can't imagine anyone actually making it up. And then you have idiots like Hanson and Latham excusing dv as being due to life's pressures!! Some of them even have a go at Rosie battie. It's a real eye opener and not in a good way.

  10. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    I know! And the rise of some of the men's groups. I know some have legitimate aims and no doubt there are some women who would lie in court about dv but if you read some comments you'd think half of women make up dv! Seriously most women who experience don't recognise or are scared/ ashamed, I can't imagine anyone actually making it up. And then you have idiots like Hanson and Latham excusing dv as being due to life's pressures!! Some of them even have a go at Rosie battie. It's a real eye opener and not in a good way.

    That is terrible for people in the media, Hanson and Latham, to be making excuses for DV. I have not been aware of this, I haven't seen anything from them. I have not thought to connect this to 'feminism'. In that, i have not linked more discussion about 'feminism' to be productive to reduce the incidents of dv. I can't believe anyone would have a go at Rosie Battie. Her book was a fantastic 'eye opener' for me. It is a very complex issue, and the more it is discussed the better for all of us. marie.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Stretched View Post
    My mum is and always had been an amazingly strong woman. She stayed with my dad for a long time after the relationship became abusive (99% psychological and emotional) I think in part because of her strength. I'm not having a go at your comment, but the general misconception of these quiet-mouse-downtrodden-weak abusee women makes it hard for 'strong' women to firstly see that they are in an abusive relationship and secondly admit it (first to themselves, then to anyone else).

    Our whole family would have fallen into the 'hidden' DV category. I do training as part of my job as a teacher on identifying kids who may be in abusive environments and I, as a child, never ticked any of these boxes the 'experts' are giving us to look out for. I know in part this was because of the amazing job my mum did to 'counter' the negative influence of our dad, but mostly it's just because it was invisible unless you were a fly on the wall when no-one from 'outside' was around.

    Another thing that makes it hard is that often there are 'reasons' for the behaviour and when you make a 'til death' commitment to someone, then it can be hard to see what is wrong or right in the situation. It is such a complex issue.

    IMO there is no 'typical' abuse victim (adult or child) and I completely believe the stats are higher than what is recorded because people are very good at hiding signs of 'weakness'.
    Hi, yeah when I wrote that I was debating what word to use, Ive seen the word 'feminist' often offend people on the hub, so opted for 'strong' but by no means did I want to imply that women who live with DV are weak. Just that when I look around I see with my own friends, that the family dynamics we grew up in, often, not always, set the precedent for our future relationships. As I said not always, my mum grew up in a very 'traditional' home which motivated her to do things very differently in her own life.
    So I definitely agree that there isn't a 'typical' abuse victim. It definitely is complex, and sadly I think your right that a lot of things go unrecorded.

  12. #38
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    another side of the same story. My MIL was three years older than my FIL , also more intellegent, more educated, so my FIL was a bit 'down-trodden' . He really put up with a lot of verbal abuse, and many times he would be 'picked on,' 'bullied' by MIL. He handed over his wages every week, and I don't think he had any money for his own use. It was quite a disfunctional family, but it seemed to just be their pattern. I never thought of this as abusive, but looking back now, I can see it was certainly not healthy.
    I am sure there are many 'shades' of abuse, and the stats are probably just the scratch on the surface. hugs, marie.


 

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