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  1. #21
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    It's so, so common. And it's absolutely a generational and a societal thing. What you grow up experiencing shapes your view of the world.

    I work with children who, usually, have experienced very dysfunctional and abusive relationships between their parents. Even when there is no abuse directed toward the children, it has such a profound effect on the way they view relationships; in particular on the way that they view gender in relationships.

    All the big factors in DV - gender roles, legitimizing violence, isolation and stress etc. are such a big part of our culture and society.

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  3. #22
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    2 women a week are killed due to DV
    3 women are hospitalised each week with a traumatic brain injury due to DV
    It's thought to be much higher in terms of such injuries but many women so not seek treatment
    A case of DV is reported to police every two minutes
    DV is a leading cause of homelessness among women

    How common is it? Far too common.
    DV means physical, emotional and financial abuse. It comes in many shapes and forms.

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  5. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Renn View Post
    It's so, so common. And it's absolutely a generational and a societal thing. What you grow up experiencing shapes your view of the world.

    I work with children who, usually, have experienced very dysfunctional and abusive relationships between their parents. Even when there is no abuse directed toward the children, it has such a profound effect on the way they view relationships; in particular on the way that they view gender in relationships.

    All the big factors in DV - gender roles, legitimizing violence, isolation and stress etc. are such a big part of our culture and society.
    This middle paragraph is the one most concerning me. I can't remember what I wrote in the OP but I went to see a relationship counsellor and talking through things he said there are elements of dv. No actual violence but my partner is controlling. We've had issues with our eldest (now 10) - rudeness and late on tantrums about silly things, aggression. Anytime I ever tried to talk to dp he would brush it off as normal. I never took her to see anyone but I have gone on her behalf. Things are much better with her but the counsellor did say that our dysfunctional relationship could be affecting the kids. I honestly hardly even thought about that as we rarely fight in front of them. Or at all as I've just lost myself for the sake of family peace. But there has been a few times when he's gone ballistic at me. Shook his fist in my face once in anger and later got in my face in anger again saying I shouldn't wind him up in front of the kids. My crime was not hearing him say something. 2 years later she started shaking a knife at me but said it was ok cus she didn't hurt me. Connection?? And some of the things she said in anger like "why should I clean up my clothes it's your job, you just want to be a lazy mum watching tv all day" (I never watch daytime tv). They are very close has he been saying these things to her?
    I'm terrified of even confronting him about his controlling behaviours. I've seen him so angry about nothing. But I have to be strong for my kids this is bad for all of us. When ms10 goes through issues and I try and talk to him about it he finds a way to twist things and blame it on me. As I can't talk to him I've heaps of emails between us. Now my eyes have been opened it's so obvious what he was doing. But I don't know how he'll react when confronted? Even in a counselling session.

  6. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by misskittyfantastico View Post
    Hello lovely, I think it's actually very hard to share experiences of DV in this forum. I know for myself there is still deep shame and for others I think they're living it and I find that the threads that show red lights of DV, the victims are badgered by I know well meaning hubbers but it's hard to watch.
    Yes, mkf. I was not looking for people to share any personal details or to upset anyone who might be in the situation. I was hoping for just a general discussion. I was thinking how the childhood expierences might have an impact on how people view relationships, ( what is 'normal' what is not 'normal') that sort of thing. I think the more we are talking about this in an open and honest way, will help guide people to find a way out if they are in a bad place. hugs, marie.

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  8. #25
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    We had some white ribbon training in the workplace. It was very eye opening. Sadly, DV is more common than you would think. It occurs among all races, ages, religions, economic groups etc.

    https://www.whiteribbon.org.au/under...ce-statistics/

    There are some good resources on that website if anybody needs some contacts or where to get assistance.

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    Quote Originally Posted by misskittyfantastico View Post
    Hello lovely, I think it's actually very hard to share experiences of DV in this forum. I know for myself there is still deep shame and for others I think they're living it and I find that the threads that show red lights of DV, the victims are badgered by I know well meaning hubbers but it's hard to watch.
    I've mulled over this comment for days not knowing quite how to respond.

    I often contribute to DV threads as I have had the misfortune to experience DV first hand and hope that by relaying my experiences I can help someone in a similar situation. When I was with my ex, I would have loved someone to have sat me down and said what I was experiencing was DV. I posted on a forum and had people saying things along the lines of "You know that isn't right", and "I hope you find the strength to leave". I went to the doctor and described years of abuse (including physical). The doctor wrote a referral for me to see a psychologist on a notepad with a template. She ticked no in the DV box, this led me to question my sanity and perceptions of what was going on. The psychologist said I was experiencing a power imbalance. It wasn't until after we separated that people started using the term DV with me. I would have loved if someone had pulled me aside years, no a decade earlier and said I was in a DV relationship and gave me information on the dynamics of what I was experiencing and the cycle of abuse.

    I'm not waiting for someone to have a lightbulb moment. I hope I don't come across as badgering members. I would be mortified if my posts were perceived in that manner. I contribute to the threads in the hope that I can help in some small way.

    It takes a woman 7 attempts on average to leave an abusive relationship. It's not easy, and I'm under no illusion that someone would just up and leave because of what a random stranger posted on an internet forum.

    ETA just realised I quoted the wrong comment. I meant to quote this one:

    Yep. I might get shot for this but I think some hubbers want an ending that they aren't going to get. It's like they invest all this perceived time and wisdom and then they get angry when the OP doesn't have an Oprah lightbulb moment. DV is insideous..
    Last edited by SSecret Squirrel; 18-05-2017 at 20:09.

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  11. #27
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    Oh and in terms of the original question. DV is unfortunately very very common. I firmly believe it will be until we achieve true equality between the sexes. The root of DV is an over entitled sense of entitlement and the desire to control. Male privilege is so deeply entrenched in our society that many people don't even recognise or question it. It provides the perfect breeding ground for young boys to grow up and believe they are better than women and therefore more deserving. My exhusband grew up in an abusive household and repeated the cycle. I fear I stayed with my ex too long and my kids are in high danger of repeating it. My son being a perpetrator and my girls not recognising they are in an unhealthy relationship. I think it will take many generations for DV to disappear from society (if ever) .

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  13. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Atropos View Post
    2 women a week are killed due to DV
    3 women are hospitalised each week with a traumatic brain injury due to DV
    It's thought to be much higher in terms of such injuries but many women so not seek treatment
    A case of DV is reported to police every two minutes
    DV is a leading cause of homelessness among women

    How common is it? Far too common.
    DV means physical, emotional and financial abuse. It comes in many shapes and forms.
    2 women a week are killed due to dv?! Omg wow I had no idea...

  14. #29
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    Thanks to the OP for raising a really difficult and interesting question.

    I get the sense that DV is very common, but that thankfully I think we are becoming increasingly aware, as a society, of how common and unacceptable it is ... though that is just my opinion; not sure if it is true.

    If you'd asked me a couple of years ago if I'd experienced violence/abuse in a relationship, I would have said 'no'. But now I think back to a situation I was in with a very emotionally manipulative housemate, and I realise that was an abusive relationship. After erratic behaviour, walking on eggshells, and the threat of suicide if I moved, I finally left after an occasion when he locked me in the house (yes, there were locks on the insides of the doors that required keys), took my keys and refused to let me leave during a disagreement. That is what I didn't consider to be an abusive relationship for years afterwards.

    I absolutely agree with SSecretSquirrel:
    Quote Originally Posted by SSecret Squirrel View Post
    The root of DV is an over entitled sense of entitlement and the desire to control. Male privilege is so deeply entrenched in our society that many people don't even recognise or question it. It provides the perfect breeding ground for young boys to grow up and believe they are better than women and therefore more deserving.
    I thought about this recently when a psychologist Facebook friend (who is male) posted:
    When I think back to my teens I can recall a lot of generally accepted ideas about women and relationships, many that I too accepted without question, that I can see now contribute to a sense of male entitlement.
    My childhood home was very peaceful and free from DV, but when I think back, I realise the pervasive culture from school and in the community at the time reinforced really unhealthy ideas about gender roles and acceptable behaviour. I think ... I hope ... we are improving as a society (although, I realise there's still a looooong way to go).

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  16. #30
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    I'm home alone, and avoiding housework like the plague, instead reading through threads, and I'm shocked by these statistics, it's just heart breaking, I never would have thought DV rates to be so high.
    My mum is a very strong woman so I never grew up with 'traditional' views with what women can/can't do.
    I have been surprised to find some of my friends fall into these gender stereotypes, one friend in particular had (now divorced) a very controlling husband, I'd hassle her that it isn't normal that he controls the money, where she goes, phone bills, bills in general, how long she can stay out, she would always defend him and make excuses, I found it so frustrating, I hated the way she lost all her confidence, but realised later that I wasn't helping her at all, by nagging her, although even now I feel I wouldn't know how to help someone in a similar situation. I never even thought about it as DV, no one did- he was 'just controlling'.
    I guess the problem is when people say DV we often think of it as physical violence only.

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