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  1. #11
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    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    i am a little surprised, over 400 views on this thread, and yet only 9 comments. ??? I would have thought there would be more people willing to share on this topic. hugs, marie.

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    Ive been in two abusive relationships. One was a few months in high school, and I'm pretty he was more an immature jerk rather than doing it with malice.
    The second was the biological father of my eldest. I was very lucky in that I fell pregnant very early on (a few months) in the relationship and instead of the slow rise he was doing, he flipped and immediately went to full blown harassment, stalker and physical attack mode. So it was easy to spot. I didn't notice the initial stuff but I sure as pie noticed the change.

    I was also with a guy for 2 years (prior to dating the bio father) who, I don't know if you would call it abusive but basically I was the only one who worked. Came home and had to do all the house duties. Including entertaining his friends, one of which was the female he went on to cheat on me with.
    Actually, now that I mention it, he did bail me up against a wall once during an argument.

    But anyway.
    I am often saddened by "vents" and such that I read on here. Women who are called names by their partners. Or women that are so tired but don't want to ask their husbands for help because he will get mad.
    I just can't imagine living like that. My husband isn't great at thinking of ways to help, he needs to be told, but if I say "hey, can you please do the kids baths tonight, I'm exhausted" he will say "of course honey. Is there anything else?" And I do the same for him. It must be horrible living on eggshells and not being able to ask your partner for help. And even moreso if it's crept in slowly and you barely even realise that it's happening.

    I saw a post on here a while ago, where a woman was adamantly defending her husband because "all husbands call their wives *****es and whores when they are angry, you're fooling yourself if you think otherwise" and it shocked me. It really did. That poor woman not only thought it was normal for her husband, but thought it was normal for all husbands. She didn't even realise there is a man out there for her, that wouldn't dream of calling her those names.

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  4. #13
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    hi ahalfdozen, I think it is important for women to look back at their childhood in case that might have influenced their view of 'normal' . How they see relationships, and how they have seen families, partners interact, and just be aware. I grew up with only my mum. My dad died when I was only 11. Mum never married again. She was a bit dependant for a few years, on her brother-in-law. She was the youngest in her family, and she did sometimes let other people make decisions for her. But after a while , and after a bit of prompting from us kids, she became more independent, and stood on her own. I look back and think my mum did the best she could, and she did it by herself, so I feel 'I can do that ' . I don't have to, but I know I could. My daughters have both ended bad relationships and been strong enough, and confident enough to just walk away. That makes me very glad. DV is a very complex issue. marie.

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    I didn't see how bad it had got for me until it was too late and he totally broke me.
    I was useless, worthless and couldn't survive without him.
    Thankfully I began seeing a therapist and was enlightened to his behaviour.
    Took me almost a year of therapy to get the strength to leave.
    He never raised a hand to me so I don't think I really believed it was DV. But there was emotional, psychological and financial abuse.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperGranny View Post
    i am a little surprised, over 400 views on this thread, and yet only 9 comments. ??? I would have thought there would be more people willing to share on this topic. hugs, marie.
    Hello lovely, I think it's actually very hard to share experiences of DV in this forum. I know for myself there is still deep shame and for others I think they're living it and I find that the threads that show red lights of DV, the victims are badgered by I know well meaning hubbers but it's hard to watch.

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    Quote Originally Posted by misskittyfantastico View Post
    Hello lovely, I think it's actually very hard to share experiences of DV in this forum. I know for myself there is still deep shame and for others I think they're living it and I find that the threads that show red lights of DV, the victims are badgered by I know well meaning hubbers but it's hard to watch.
    I think they also worry about their husband's reading their posts. There was a hubber a few years ago who left her husband and was in a safe house and he had either been reading her messages or somebody on the hub had figured out who she was and told her husband about the posts, can't remember. So she stopped posting.

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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly81 View Post
    I think they also worry about their husband's reading their posts. There was a hubber a few years ago who left her husband and was in a safe house and he had either been reading her messages or somebody on the hub had figured out who she was and told her husband about the posts, can't remember. So she stopped posting.
    Yep. I might get shot for this but I think some hubbers want an ending that they aren't going to get. It's like they invest all this perceived time and wisdom and then they get angry when the OP doesn't have an Oprah lightbulb moment. DV is insideous..

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    I'm actually quite shocked at how prevalent DV is from reading bub hub. I never thought it was as common as it seems to be. I've read some of the stories of women in their marriages that are so unhappy and controlling. And they are always looking for "permission" to leave it seems. Or I guess to learn that their marriage is in fact abusive. I find it really sad. Some of these marriages are no way for children to grow up and I feel sorry for both the wives and the kids that have to go home to that reality every night and accept that it has to be that way

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    Quote Originally Posted by misskittyfantastico View Post
    Hello lovely, I think it's actually very hard to share experiences of DV in this forum. I know for myself there is still deep shame and for others I think they're living it and I find that the threads that show red lights of DV, the victims are badgered by I know well meaning hubbers but it's hard to watch.
    I agree. Ive seen so many threads on here where Hubbers have posted about their lives and have others tell them its DV and not to put up with it and hassle them to leave. They may then a while later post about an incident and other Hubbers go back through all their old posts and drag up things they'd written in the past and basically do a "told you so".

    Ive had DV in my life and while there's no way I'm opening myself up to talk about it in a forum I applaud those ladies that can talk about it. I applaud those ladies that for the time being drag one foot in front of the other and recognise their relationship for what it is but haven't yet found the strength to leave. I applaud those ladies that have found the strength to leave. I am tired of well meaning ladies dragging others down when they are already at their lowest.

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    Quote Originally Posted by magicmashie View Post
    I'm actually quite shocked at how prevalent DV is from reading bub hub. I never thought it was as common as it seems to be. I've read some of the stories of women in their marriages that are so unhappy and controlling. And they are always looking for "permission" to leave it seems. Or I guess to learn that their marriage is in fact abusive. I find it really sad. Some of these marriages are no way for children to grow up and I feel sorry for both the wives and the kids that have to go home to that reality every night and accept that it has to be that way
    I have a friend here with me who has just left an abusive relationship and wants me to reply with the following:

    "While I am sure your post is well-intentioned, please refrain from using terms like "I feel sorry for" and "it's sad". It sounds like condescension and pity. What, I think, you meant was "I empathise with".
    It really is all about wording in a lot of these situations. You can't expect a victim to see a way out if something is blocking the way.

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