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  1. #1
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    Default How prevalent is dv?

    General chat mightn't be the right place for this but I just wonder how often it happens in seemingly normal families? Not the overt stuff like extreme violence but the more subtle stuff like controlling behaviours and angry outbursts? I went to see a counsellor today and talking through things he says there are elements of dv. Had I not been reading "why does he do that" I would've been floored but I already suspected. Nothing possessive or stalky, doesn't try and control what I wear or who I talk to and not financially controlling (tho I'm not extravagant barely spend anything on me). But he always has to be right. He shook his fist at me once over nothing and shouts me down when I have a different opinion that is strong enough for me to stand my ground. Which isn't that often as i just let things go to keep the peace. But I think his dad is quite controlling towards his mum. And I just wonder if I've been blind to this for so long because we see them so much more often than my own parents? Or is it so prevalent in society that it hasn't felt that abnormal? I mean I know our relationship is abnormal and extremely unhealthy but are we just in the middle of the continuum? I guess I'm trying to make sense of how I've lived like this for so long and whether there is any way forward together or is counselling just there to help me get strong enough to leave?

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    i often think about this subject. I wonder if the victim of dv can actually see the situation as it is or do they have some sort of filter. I am not asking you any question freyamum, I am just wondering in my mind. My daughter at the young age of only four, noticed that 'nana and grandad often had cross words, she asked 'why do nana and grandad always fight.??' It wasn't that they were always 'fighting' but they would often snap and insult each other. She was so young, and yet she noticed that her mum and dad didnt do that but nana and grandad did. So it seems to me, people can get used to bad behaviour, and used to tensions, so much so that they don't even notice anything wrong. Your reference to your in laws, made me think about that. What you are used to, or what you are not aware of, how do you realise just how bad the dv is. Also having read Rosie Baty's book, She didn't know how a loving relationship worked because she lost her mum at such a young age.
    hugs ., marie.

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    It's a really interesting question. I too struggle with what is 'normal' because I was raised by a single mum who was in and out of unhappy relationships my whole childhood. DP & I are in a bit of a rough patch at the moment and I definitely struggle with owning how I feel. Surely if it makes me unhappy then I have the right to feel that way, and try to speak up about it? But I'm always made to feel like it's my problem.

    He is great in many ways but I don't think I can continue down this path of intimidation and vilification every time I address something that I feel is unfair (he came along when DD was 2 and it has been a struggle for him to learn compromise, putting anyone else before himself. Can be very selfish and inconsiderate but it's seemingly always my problem).

    I'm going to get some counselling too, on my own first. Just to get my thoughts straight in my head. I think too many women worry about what their partners think or how they will react to them being unhappy. Sometimes when all you can see are the four walls around you it can skew your perspective.

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    Quote Originally Posted by frankie46 View Post
    It's a really interesting question. I too struggle with what is 'normal' because I was raised by a single mum who was in and out of unhappy relationships my whole childhood. DP & I are in a bit of a rough patch at the moment and I definitely struggle with owning how I feel. Surely if it makes me unhappy then I have the right to feel that way, and try to speak up about it? But I'm always made to feel like it's my problem.

    He is great in many ways but I don't think I can continue down this path of intimidation and vilification every time I address something that I feel is unfair (he came along when DD was 2 and it has been a struggle for him to learn compromise, putting anyone else before himself. Can be very selfish and inconsiderate but it's seemingly always my problem).

    I'm going to get some counselling too, on my own first. Just to get my thoughts straight in my head. I think too many women worry about what their partners think or how they will react to them being unhappy. Sometimes when all you can see are the four walls around you it can skew your perspective.
    I can really relate. And I wonder if there is also something about women (not all, generalising here) being more likely to think about how the other person is feeling? What they are thinking? Try and make sense of their behaviour without pointing the finger? Keep thinking be best of our loved ones even when they are showing no care towards us? With dp when I start to talk about things that have happened he sounds like a horrible monster, but I'm still making excuses for him. Like that time he shook his fist it never happened again or he goes too far and then starts being really kind again. Because I've always had that thought that it's just a bad patch, weather the storm... looking at it from an outsiders perspective I just look like an idiot for putting up with it all for so long

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    Default How prevalent is dv?

    I grew up in a hide the fights and feelings from the kids household and it wasn't till I spoke with berry street that I realised how "full on" my situation was I felt wrong going to them to talk.

    My husband never straight out hit me he'd pinch me or say he flinched but hit me. He coerced me into dtd with the threat of no sleep or a fight.

    I always saw the yelling as a he's frustrated, I'm useless but my psych said to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. It's thought out it's calculated. "Just because you wouldn't do that to someone doesn't mean it wasn't happening to you" is something that stuck with me

    My husband grew up in a house where that behaviour was accepted and he even till the end couldn't see what he was doing
    Last edited by Allymumtobe; 10-05-2017 at 18:19.

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    I hope I can articulate this ok.
    I think that abusive relationships are reasonably common. I also believe that far too many people put up with/tolerate/accept unhealthy and damaging behaviours in intimate relationships (or don't even have the capacity to realize that the behaviours aren't ok) for a whole range of reasons. But just because abusive relationships are common and people get stuck in these situations that in no way normalises or minimizes the severity of these behaviours and the cumulative and long-term impact it can have on the partners who experience it and the children who witness it. And it doesn't mean people should defeatedly accept it just because it's 'common' or because they think it's 'not that bad' - because it doesn't have to be that way.
    Already a couple of people in this thread have commented that their experiences from childhood in witnessing unhealthy relationships has impacted on their perception of adult relationships. I don't think this can be underestimated. I truly want my daughter to believe in her self worth and to believe that she deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. I am confident that DH and I are modeling that for her.
    I fell into an abusive relationship that lasted almost 3 years after I got divorced in my mid 20s. I was vulnerable and had low self esteem so I was ripe for the picking for an insecure, controlling a$$hole. He wasn't physically violent but nothing I ever did or said was right (so I eventually became a passive mute to avoid getting abused), he screamed in my face, drove me away from family and friends, belittled me, ran down my achievements, called me names and was generally mean. I was actually seeing a counselor to help me through my divorce when I met this guy and straight away she saw the flags and told me to run. But he sucked me in and it became very difficult to leave. Whenever I got to the point of trying to leave he would realize he'd gone too far and reel it back in and make promises about counseling. In the end after me trying to leave multiple times he left me for someone else - another way he could exercise power over me. Thank god he did that as I was so damaged at the time I couldn't get the strength to follow through on leaving and was always sucked back in. I was a broken mess at the end of it all.
    Months after he left me I met my now DH. I wasn't looking for a relationship and was very hesitant about getting involved after what I'd been through. I can vividly remember an early scenario with my DH where I was at his house and he had some stuff to do so he set me up on the couch reading a book with a glass of wine. He even walked to the shop to buy the wine for me. I was incredulous that someone would do that as a gesture. My view was so warped that this tiny, everyday act of kindness was a massive deal to me at the time .
    My DH taught me what a healthy relationship can look like. No silent treatment. No hanging up on phone conversations. No calling me names. No mind games. No screaming in my face to scare me. No running me down and pi$$ing on my self worth. No repercussions from speaking my mind. My DH actively builds me up, encourages me, supports me to achieve anything I want, always speaks respectfully, helps me, wants me to be an equal, admires my strength and opinions. It was and is a revelation (together 7.5 years now).
    Long story short - just because some relationships are unhealthy, and just because some men are abusive this doesn't mean it's normal, ok or acceptable. It's sad when it does become someone's idea of normal because they're so used to it or haven't known any different. It CAN be different and everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness - that's my base measure these days.

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    I think a lot of couples (in some situations both partners do this) have someone who just goes with things to keep the peace.
    I think it becomes normal for that couple so isn't seen as a problem.

    For e.g. even though I ask my husband every day to look after DD while I make dinner, often I end up holding her while doing it. Not because he will flip out or anything, but because after the fourth/fifth time she manages to get over to me he just gives up. I should say, ''just play with her. You can't expect her to entertain herself when she wants to be with me"... but that would mean I have to stop what I am doing and take the time to explain to him, and then go back to it- throwing out the night's routine (if DD misses her sleep window it is hell on earth).


    I have done it at other times (had the convo) but unless it's about footy he doesn't really take it in long-term. Otherwise I wouldn't have to ask every night.

    Not the same scenario at all, but a lot of it starts like that- with small things I mean. You do it the 'easy' way, the passive way, and then you start doing that for everything.

    ETA: My point was that because it starts off slow, it's really difficult to see when it becomes dv

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    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    I can really relate. And I wonder if there is also something about women (not all, generalising here) being more likely to think about how the other person is feeling? What they are thinking? Try and make sense of their behaviour without pointing the finger? Keep thinking be best of our loved ones even when they are showing no care towards us? With dp when I start to talk about things that have happened he sounds like a horrible monster, but I'm still making excuses for him. Like that time he shook his fist it never happened again or he goes too far and then starts being really kind again. Because I've always had that thought that it's just a bad patch, weather the storm... looking at it from an outsiders perspective I just look like an idiot for putting up with it all for so long
    This really stood out to me. My mum was always in abusive relationships. My dad, and my sister's dad were physically and emotionally abusive, then her next 2 partners were emotionally and financially abusive. And she always made excuses for all of them - "they had a bad childhood, they're going through a tough time", then with the last 2 "at least he doesn't hit me, he's just in bad mood, it's just a rough patch in the relationship". When it was glaringly obvious to everyone else that it was just abuse of different forms and extremely toxic and unhealthy.

    To put it in perspective, when DH and I have a "rough patch" we might snap at each other a bit, or need a bit of space, but we have never ever called each other names, put each other down or raised hands to each other. I used to think it was normal for these things to happen in all relationships, as that was all I'd ever known (in almost all family relationships I'd seen), I thought that most relationships/families had lots of yelling, name calling, physical fights, but now I know that is not the case at all.

    I really hope you can find a way out of this OP. I've followed along with a lot of your posts and you deserve to be heard, to be happy and to be fulfilled.

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    TRIGGER WARNING - stats on FV including stats on death as a result of FV.

    Data on the prevalence of family violence can be difficult to determine due to a variety of factors not limited to a) under reporting of FV b) non identification by victim survivors that what they have experienced is family violence. In particular with Violence that hasn't been physical.
    What we know is that family violence cuts across all socio economic statuses and much of the data we do have suggests that socio economic status, employment status, household income does not have a huge impact on the prevalence of family violence.
    There are some particularly at risk groups though including women with disabilities, young women, CALD women and Indigenous women

    Women in Australia are more likely to be killed in their home, by their partner, than anywhere else or by anyone else.

    Some current FV data for Australia below:

    DOMESTIC VIOLENCE STATISTICS
    The vast majority of dangerous, abusive and violent behaviour that occurs in the privacy of people's homes is committed by men against women. Violence against women is now recognised to be a serious and widespread problem in Australia with enormous individual and community impacts and social costs
    KEY FACTS
    The following basic statistics help demonstrate the prevalence and severity of violence against women:
    On average at least one woman a week is killed by a partner or former partner in Australia.1

    One in three Australian women has experienced physical violence since the age of 15.2

    One in five Australian women has experienced sexual violence.2

    One in four Australian women has experienced physical or sexual violence by an intimate partner.2

    One in four Australian women has experienced emotional abuse by a current or former partner.3

    Women are at least three times more likely than men to experience violence from an intimate partner.4

    Women are five times more likely than men to require medical attention or hospitalisation as a result of intimate partner violence, and five times more likely to report fearing for their lives.5

    Of those women who experience violence, more than half have children in their care.6

    Violence against women is not limited to the home or intimate relationships. Every year in Australia over 300,000 women experience violence - often sexual violence - from someone other than a partner.7

    Eight out of ten women aged 18 to 24 were harassed on the street in the past year.8

    Young women (18-24 years) experience significantly higher rates of physical and sexual violence than women in older age groups.9

    There is growing evidence that women with disabilities are more likely to experience violence.10

    Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander women experience both far higher rates and more severe forms of violence compared to other women.11

    Intimate partner violence contributes to more death, disability and illness in women aged 15 to 44 than any other preventable risk factor.13

    Domestic or family violence against women is the single largest driver of homelessness for women14, a common factor in child protection notifications15 and results in a police call-out on average once every two minutes across the country.16

    The combined health, administration and social welfare costs of violence against women have been estimated to be $21.7 billion a year, with projections suggesting that if no further action is taken to prevent violence against women, costs will accumulate to $323.4 billion over a thirty-year period from 2014-15 to 2044-45. 17

    Link to data including references:
    http://www.domesticviolence.com.au/p...statistics.php

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    There is a lot of bad news in those stats. It is quite alarming how many people/women are in dangerous situations. I do think, how the child is raised, how the parents or adults behave around the child, has the most influence on the sort of behaviour she/he thinks is acceptable when she/he is an adult. marie.


 

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