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  1. #31
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    Lying to a child is only going to end badly. The truth always comes out. I don't give a rats what you and your DH and FOB decide. But do not lie to your child. I have donor conceived children and of course they know.

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  3. #32
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    I'm sure I'll be beaten with sticks but I struggle to buy all this. You've had an affair and got pg and your husband is pretty much fine with raising it as his own. Even if a man did accept the cheating and the child, surely there would be a gigantic blow up and contemplation.

    Sorry, but this reads like a DOOLS ep

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  5. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I'm sure I'll be beaten with sticks but I struggle to buy all this. You've had an affair and got pg and your husband is pretty much fine with raising it as his own. Even if a man did accept the cheating and the child, surely there would be a gigantic blow up and contemplation.

    Sorry, but this reads like a DOOLS ep
    What's a DOOLs Ep?

  6. #34
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    Don't worry just got it

  7. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Waggers70 View Post
    I agree with Me2017 - consider this a sperm donor's child. Let's be honest - many, if not most, people have an indiscretion somewhere in their past or future - who is to say how many children out there are the result of these? No one is perfect and no one is able to say they are 100% never going to stray. Several of the closest couples i know have secret affairs behind them. At least one does have a love child (husband's to another woman) and both families are aware and in touch. I wouldn't say they are perfect happy families, but who is? The important thing is that the children are loved.
    While perhaps anecdotally true for your group of friends, I don't think saying "almost everyone strays" is a fair statement. In my group of friends, I don't know of anyone who has had an affair. In fact, I only know of one who cheated on her husband, and they are now divorced. Sure, no one is perfect, but we try to handle our problems and marriage bumps like adults, not reach out for another random warm body. I don't think we should normalise infidelity, as if it's a little mistake.

    I think it's very kind of this man to be willing to accept this child as his own, but I think given the affair and marriage problems are so recent, they would have plenty of work to do before everything is good. And I don't agree with lying to the child and its siblings. The children are the only innocent parties in this story, they should be given the truth, or when the truth comes out there will be problems down the track.

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  9. #36
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    I spoke with my dp about this today before the kids where up. He said he would leave and take "kids" 50/50 and see you in court to split the rest up. No way in hell would and will he accept cheating and definately not another mans child. We are on the same terms with how a partnership should be treated.

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  11. #37
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    I am currently pregnant with a bub conceived using donor sperm. The clinics strongly recommended being open with these children to avoid issues later. I know some people choose not to but I really think a child has the right to know about themselves.

    It's important to consider this child will/may have different genetic risks, different blood types to you and DH, be incompatible for bone marrow transplant. It's all to common for older children to find out about paternity because they became unwell. If the paternal side has a predisposition to certain illness it's neglectful in my opinion to ignore this at the detriment of a child.

    Please also remember FOB has every right to show up on your doorstep and request visitation. Totally unlike a sperm donor who has willingly helped an infertile/single/same sex couple become parents.


    I think it's a terrible situation to have put yourself in and 100% of the focus needs to be on protecting your current and potential future children from the backlash this will all cause.

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  13. #38
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    I won't speak to the affair and etc as that's already been done, but I can speak in terms of telling children the truth.
    My eldest son isn't biologically my husbands. I was with an abusive ex who tossed me out the day I got the positive test. He spent the next few months stalking and harassing me before ultimately turning around and saying he wanted nothing to do with us and I haven't seen him since. He refused to sign the birth certificate (which caused me a world of problems in itself but we are so much better off).
    I started dating my now husband while I was still pregnant. We hit a bit of turbulence around the time of birth but we were dating again by the time Bub was 4 months old. He has only ever known my husband to be dad. He calls him dad. But last year, my husband sat him aside and gave him (an age appropriate version of) the truth. Explained that another man put him inside my belly, but that man went away and daddy chose to take his place.
    My sons siblings don't know. We figured it is our sons story, not ours, so he can choose when to tell them. They are all younger though, so it's not like they had to deal with a strange birth.
    It was exceptionally hard letting my child find that out. I was so worried it would destroy his little heart, but he took it on board and hasn't asked about it. He doesn't treat his dad any different now and he gets treated the same as the other kids.

    But my point is, I firmly believe that it's the child's story, they deserve to know. It's their choice what to do with that information but it's their information to know. It's their life.

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  15. #39
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    Whilst I do see why a story like this might be hard to believe for some, don't forget just because YOU find it hard to believe doesn't make it not true.

    I can think of plenty of men and women who would forgive their partner of pretty much anything. I can think of plenty of men and women who would rather just raise a baby and pretend it's theirs and pretend like the cheating never happened than to walk away from their partner. Just because you and the people you know wouldn't do it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

    Op, sounds like your husband is absolutely besotted with you and will forgive you of anything. I think you should make sure the biological father knows of the baby and leave that ball in his court. If he chooses to be involved obviously your child will know from early on that he has a different father, and you know what, that is ok. Plenty of men take on children that aren't there's, plenty of family's are blended. Yes the 'cheating' part makes it a little more tricky, but if your husband can truly forgive you for that then I don't see why you all can't make this work.

    Good luck. Keep us posted on how you go telling FOB

    I DO think that even if FOB doesn't want to be involved that at some point you do need to tell the child, as it will come out eventually, and they have a right to know.

    ETA - I just read post above mine and completely agree with telling your child in an age appropriate way when they are old enough to understand.
    Last edited by CazHazKidz; 10-05-2017 at 08:54.

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  17. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wise Enough View Post
    Lying to a child is only going to end badly. The truth always comes out. I don't give a rats what you and your DH and FOB decide. But do not lie to your child. I have donor conceived children and of course they know.
    Yes this a million percent. Totally unfair to lie to the kids regarding their biological heritage, not to mention the problems that will come up with regards to medical history should they be at risk or have any particular genetic medical conditions, or even just family history of medical problems. I say this as a parent of a child who is not biologically mine.

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