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  1. #21
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    We were married young and it feels like we became more like friends living together than as a couple. We are seeking counselling and are really working on it.

    There was definite crying tonight while we talked about it, but we aren't the type of people to scream at each other.

    I think when the kids are older it could be something we would tell them, but not while they are younger.

    Nothing has been decided yet but I feel better now that he knows. Still lots for us to discuss.

  2. #22
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    I'd recommend you seek professional counseling together before making any decisions.

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    Shellosaurus  (07-08-2017)

  4. #23
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    Default Just need to get it out there.

    Quote Originally Posted by CdnMum View Post
    Thank you everybody for all your replies.

    I told DH tonight, and he took it quite well. We both need time to think about this. I voiced my concern about my emotional health if I were to go ahead with a termination. I told him he could just leave me or ask me to go, but he said that's not what he wants. If we were to keep it, we would not tell anybody that it wasn't his. Our children wouldn't know it wasn't a full sibling.

    I haven't told FOB yet, but do already know he wouldn't want anything to do with it.

    If the shoe was on the other foot and it was him having a baby with somebody else I think it would just be something I would have to accept.

    I guess time will tell what happens. It really is a mess, I just don't think I would cope well with a termination.
    I really do hope you do tell FOB if you continue with the pregnancy. Especially as your dh is apparently happy to pretend that it was his. I'm concerned how it would be much easier to not tell him and that level of deceit is the worst kind of behaviour in my eyes. To lie about a child's paternity and deny a father a choice to be involved (unless he is a complete douche canoe) is abhorrent.

    If your relationship with dh deteriorates it has the potential to completely backfire and turn very very ugly.

    I understand some people just cannot terminate. Fair enough. But it's a whole new level of deceit to carry on and pretend to play happy families. Everyone needs to be informed and on board to avoid people getting hurt or traumatised.

    I hope it all works out for the sake of your children.
    Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 10-05-2017 at 04:53.

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  6. #24
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    We will be getting some counselling for sure!

    I will tell FOB, but he is a total douche canoe. He's hit me, I've found out he's been spending a lot of time with some not so great people (drug dealer), and previous mentioned not great person has sent me death threats from his phone. FOB does have nice moments, but overall he is not going down a good path at the moment

  7. #25
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    The other guy is not somebody i'd consider being with, and isn't interested in the baby. [/QUOTE]

    Quote Originally Posted by CdnMum View Post
    Our children wouldn't know it wasn't a full sibling.

    I haven't told FOB yet, but do already know he wouldn't want anything to do with it.

    If the shoe was on the other foot and it was him having a baby with somebody else I think it would just be something I would have to accept.

    .
    1. You wrote that fob isn't interested in the baby which reads as if you have told him.

    2. Siblings won't be told. What happens if you have this child and it turns out looking nothing like you and nothing like your dh ? That would need to be explained

    3. Now your saying you haven't told fob yet ? And really you don't know if he wouldn't want anything to do with the child at all. Legally he can, legally he can pursue when ever he wants to. He can legally have any form of contact that he wants to.

    4. I don't know you but I'm would never be convinced that you could accept a child from your dh that wasn't yours knowing that your marriage was in trouble that lead to this mess to begin with

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  9. #26
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    It does seem convenient that you say well if my dh got another woman pregnant I'd just have to deal with it. You have no idea the hurt your hubby must be feeling. It's a double whammy, you broke his trust with an affair and now there is going to be a reminder. Forever. A reminder he is willing to call his own.

    Like some of the other posters have said, I think playing happy families and not telling anyone is wrong. Those kind of secrets ruins lives when the truth (always) comes out somewhere down the track.

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    Shellosaurus  (07-08-2017)

  11. #27
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    Congratulations!

    I'm pleased you two are planning on working through this together and I completely agree with what you two have decided! I complete agree that no one needs to know this child doesn't genetically belong to your husband (other than baby's father). In situations where sperm donors are used because of infertility, most couples keep that information between themselves (not same situation I know, but the ins and outs of a relationship should be kept private).

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  13. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Me2017 View Post
    Congratulations!

    I'm pleased you two are planning on working through this together and I completely agree with what you two have decided! I complete agree that no one needs to know this child doesn't genetically belong to your husband (other than baby's father). In situations where sperm donors are used because of infertility, most couples keep that information between themselves (not same situation I know, but the ins and outs of a relationship should be kept private).
    So not the same as a sperm donor situation. Not even close so I don't think this should be used to compare and used to justify not telling the child in this Instance

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  15. #29
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    I agree with Me2017 - consider this a sperm donor's child. Let's be honest - many, if not most, people have an indiscretion somewhere in their past or future - who is to say how many children out there are the result of these? No one is perfect and no one is able to say they are 100% never going to stray. Several of the closest couples i know have secret affairs behind them. At least one does have a love child (husband's to another woman) and both families are aware and in touch. I wouldn't say they are perfect happy families, but who is? The important thing is that the children are loved.

  16. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Me2017 View Post
    In situations where sperm donors are used because of infertility, most couples keep that information between themselves (not same situation I know, but the ins and outs of a relationship should be kept private).
    FWIW, I really don't think that's the case anymore. Before using donor sperm (if through a clinic) there is mandatory counselling, which will, as i understand it, discuss the benefits of openness and honesty.

    Btw, it is generally accepted that the sooner kids are told, the easier it is for them.

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